"WELCOME to the First Annual Joe Bob Briggs Dusk-to-Dawn
Friday the 13th Marathon. I'm rested. I'm limber. I went to the gym
today, did two minutes on the treadmill. And you'll notice that I don't
have a single Old Milwaukee Tall Boy tonight. Instead we have [showing]
the Caffeine Twelve-Pack. Six coffees on one side, six Jolt Colas on the
other. Keep one of these handy, and you'll eventually need a sledgehammer
in your life, you know what I mean? Tonight we're gonna show as many of
the "Friday the 13th" movies as we CAN show by the time the sun comes
up--I think we'll get about six of em in. Are you guys ready for this? Are
you guys READY for this? [camera swings around to reveal crew] Jay, Ernie,
we're doing an ALL-NIGHTER. Do you get the concept? Poor babies, had to
get up early so we could start the show at 8 o'clock. Here. [passing out
coffees and colas] Let's start the medication now. Turn the camera back
around, you guys are disgusting. 
Okay, first up is the original
"Friday the 13th," and what can I say that hasn't been said before? This
is the one that started it all. Friday, June 13th, 1980. The dawn of the
eighties. The dawn of the modern slasher film. You know what other flick
premiered that same day? The Shining. It was a wicked week, wasn't it?
But I ask you: which film had the greater impact? Eight sequels--I rest my
case, thank you very much. Now many people would say that Halloween was
the first great slasher movie; it came out in 1978, I think. But the
problem with "Halloween" is that it had socially redeeming value; there
was a REASON that Michael Myers was killing all those teenagers. In
"Friday the 13th," we don't even know who's really doing the killing till
the very end, and it's not who we think it is, and the reason is kinda
lame, and even if you saw the movie, you probly don't remember what the
reason is. You're thinking, "I know who's killing everybody. EVERYBODY
knows who does the killing in 'Friday the 13th' movies." Well, if you
haven't seen it in a while, guess again--NOT IN THE FIRST ONE. What this
movie had was the greatest ad campaign in modern film history. Everybody
saw the commercials. Everybody GOT IT. Kids having sex; kids being
butchered because they were having too much sex. The simple equation that
made the slasher film what it is today. Leonard Maltin, I don't care what
you say about this being a "wretched" flick. Get some new lenses on your
goggles, buddy, because this is a GREAT movie. And we're gonna prove it
tonight, with this one, AND five of the sequels that follow it, and as we
go along, I'm gonna remind you of great moments in horror film history
that were DEFINED in this movie. We'll also trace Jason's development
throughout the series, and try and give you as much reason to blow off
that lame Halloween party you were invited to and party all night with us
instead. Don't wimp out on me. 
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"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #2
"Okay, we've just seen several staples of the slasher film, first used in "Friday the 13th." Fighting the snake with pillows--that was a one-time deal, that one really didn't catch on. But the theme of the Dangerous Jokester we saw three times. The crazy kid playing around on the archery range. Ned, the guy who fakes drowning so he can get mouth-to-mouth from a girl. And then we saw these kids being disrespectful to the local police officer, especially when he asks if they've brought any marijuana with em. All the things you're not supposed to do at camp--you WILL die for these offenses. It's funny to me that these movies are always based on the idea of Old People Wisdom coming true. If they say don't play with matches, you get burned up by fire. If they say don't play with that stick, sure enough it puts your eye out. Horse around, break the rules, and you are D-E-A-D meat. Now this should be a clue to WHO'S DOING THE KILLING. That's all I'm gonna say. Zipper lip. I won't give it away. We have a whole new generation that needs to see this and, more importantly, UNDERSTAND IT.
[fading] I love those characters like the cop. Some of the "Friday the 13th" sequels try to class things up and get rid of those types, and then others go totally the opposite way and get completely whacked on us. But nothing gets in the way of the plot: they go into the woods, but they don't come out of the woods."
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #3
"Kids playing "Strip Monopoly," smoking grass, drinking beer, having sex out of wedlock. And they laugh at the old geek who says "You're doomed. You're all dooooooomed." That's something that wasn't invented in this movie, but it's also a standard item in a horror flick. If the old geek says you're doomed, then you're by-God doomed. It doesn't matter that he's crazy. He knows what he's talking about BECAUSE he's crazy. I'm surprised I have to explain this stuff. And by the way: About how long do you think Kevin Bacon is gonna last? I'd say the boy's hormones are about to do him in, what do you think?
Does anybody still play that Kevin Bacon game? Remember that--
ERNIE (O.S.): Joe Bob, you're still on 1.
What?
ERNIE (O.S.): Camera 2's not on.
What do you mean, Camera 2's not on? [peering past Camera 2] Where'd Jay go?
ERNIE (O.S.): I think he went to bathroom.
He went to the bathroom? Doesn't he know we're in the middle of the show here?
ERNIE (O.S.): Just stick with Camera 1 for now.
I can't believe he'd go the head right in the middle of the show. All right, well, roll it, I guess."
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #4
"Three dead bodies since the last commercial break, and Steve the Rhodes Scholar camp leader still doesn't know diddly squat, does he? It's very important in a "Friday the 13th" that, no matter how many people die, nobody ever finds out anybody's dead until the last 20 minutes of the movie. Otherwise, they would just hike their hineys out of there, right? By the way, lemme commend the TNT editing department for that wonderful ax-in-the-face. Usually those things don't make it through. Outstanding. We missed the cleaver up through the bed, skewering Kevin Bacon and protruding out the front of his chest, but I think we got the general idea there. It's too bad that some of this stuff gets edited out, because this is one of the early efforts of the great Tom Savini, the special-effects master who went on to direct the remake of Night of the Living Dead. All Tom's BEST work is EXACTLY what they cut out. It's like, the better job he does, the more they wanna cut it, because it looks too REAL. If he was a really lame artist, I guess they would like it.
Ernie, the light on this camera's not going on again.
ERNIE (O.S.): All right, we'll go find him.
NOW you're going to find him?"
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #5
"Okay, Bill and Alice find a bloody ax in a bloody bed and decide to SPLIT UP. Wonderful plan. It never occurs to em that maybe the power in the camp went out for a REASON. Darn! That's Bing Crosby's son playing Bill... and I can't concentrate until I know if Jay's back on his camera. Jay, are you there? [no answer] I'm sorry, but this is crazy. [walking, camera follows] Let's go to the bathroom and get his hiney back out here. I've never heard of such a thing in all my years of "MonsterVision." All two of em. He better have a REALLY good excuse for being in here for so long.
Jay, you in here? [sees bloody handprint on mirror] What the-- Oh, I get it. [picks up half-eaten donut off sink--it oozes red jelly] It's a little Halloween prank. That's very funny, Jay. The jelly on the mirror--nice touch. Okay, let's roll the movie. Ernie, will you get someone else on Camera 2?"
"Friday the 13th" Commercial Break #6
"It's Betsy Palmer. It's a deranged Betsy Palmer doing all the killing. Now how many people remember this? Can we have a show of hands? You thought it was Jason in a hockey mask, right? But in the first movie, it was Betsy Palmer, killing all the camp counselors because all they care about is having sex, and two of em were having sex when her young Jason drowned at summer camp--and isn't it great when Alice nails her with a fire poker, but she gets up and starts talking in Jason's voice? Betsy Palmer, of "I've Got a Secret" fame--and yes, indeed, Betsy has a secret. "Kill her, Mommy, kill her." And that's Adrienne King as Alice, doing a fine job--she's a great screamer, don't you think?--as we now watch the final brutal bloody catfight between the innocent camp counselor and the demonic mother, in the classic by producer/director Sean Cunningham, "Friday the 13th."
[fading] Was Betsy Palmer on "I've Got a Secret" or "What's My Line?" What's Betsy's line? Serial killer. Uh, is my head cut off? ERNIE (O.S.): We're working on that."
"Friday the 13th" Outro
"There you have it. The original "Friday the 13th," and doesn't Jason Voorhees look weird when he comes up out of Crystal Lake there at the end? We'll put that up on our board as we trace the evolution of Jason. [attaching picture] Okay, right now he's kind of a 12-year-old zombie--very skinny. Not like the Jason we'll come to know and love in later flicks. But they EXPLAIN that in the plots of these movies. They really do. Anyhow, we're gonna watch "Friday the 13th, Part 2," in just a minute here, and it does pick up just exactly where this one left off; I think it happens two months later, in horror-film time.
But first it's time for a special Halloween visit from someone whose evolution I'D like to trace, if you know what I mean, [enters] our own TNT Mail Girl, Rusty. I was gonna ask if you wanted to go trick-or-treating with me later, but it looks like we're gonna be HERE all night.
MAIL GIRL: Oh, that's a shame. And you have your costume on and everything.
What costume?
MAIL GIRL: No, it looks cute. Anyway, I want you to know that I took a nice, long nap today so I could make it through the night.
You took a nap?
MAIL GIRL: Uh huh.
In bed?
MAIL GIRL: Well, where else would I take it?
I just never thought about that. Were you wearing, like, a little silk nightie? Or did you just strip down to your skivvies and sleep like that?
MAIL GIRL: [beat, then] Boxer shorts and a t-shirt. Okay? Can we move on now?
One of those little tight t-shirts?
MAIL GIRL: I don't have the letter I was originally gonna bring out--I seem to have misplaced my mail bag, but I just found this one in my dressing room. Maybe you can read IT.
It's not open yet. [opens letter--done w/magazine cut-outs] Interesting handwriting.
"Joe Bob,
"You are through. Go back to where you came from. I hate you."
It's not signed.
MAIL GIRL: One of your happy fans, huh?
Where'd you get this?
MAIL GIRL: It was sitting on the vanity in my dressing room.
[looking at envelope] Hey, guys, you forgot to put a stamp on the envelope.
MAIL GIRL: Maybe it's a threat from someone inside TNT.
No, it's these jokesters again. Real cute, guys. Ha ha. You're gonna have to do better than that next time. [to Rusty] Hey, since we can't go trick-or-treating, maybe later we can play Pin-the-Tail-on-Joe-Bob. I'll blindfold you, and you can try and find my hiney.
MAIL GIRL: You just keep up that positive attitude. [exits]
Is that a yes or a no? That was a no, wasn't it? All right, let's watch "Friday the 13th, Part 2." The story picks right up with the same girl, Adrienne King, in the first scene, and I don't wanna give the story away, but this is actually the FIRST film to star Jason himself. And in some ways I think it's a little better made than the first one--they spent some extra bucks on it. And those drive-in totals are: [totals don't come on screen] Eleven dead bodies. One dead dog. Ice pick through the skull. Uh, hello? Drive-in totals? Is there a reason they're not coming up?
ERNIE (O.S.): Uh, the chyron guy is missing.
Get outta here. The chyron guy is gone?
ERNIE (O.S.): Just finish the totals, we'll find him.
Allll right. Where was I? Ice pick through the skull. One strangulation. Claw hammer to the back of the head. Machete to the throat. Cleaver through the head. Double spear through the body. Machete to the shoulder. Pitchfork Fu. Chainsaw Fu. Four stars. Check it out, and then we'll be back with more useless information to clog up your brain and make you get senile faster.
[fading] You know, heads are gonna roll around HERE if you guys don't quit messing around."
The Fear: Halloween Night (1999, Betsy Palmer, sequel to the 1995 horror film Oct 31, 2008 1:00 AM on SciFi Channel Queen Bee (1955, Joan Crawford, Betsy Palmer, Fay Wray. Domineering woman uses any means to get her way Sep 2, 2008 12:15A EST on Turner Classic Movies Murder, She Wrote: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (guest stars Betsy Palmer, Gale Storm) Sep 10, 2008 07:00P on Hallmark Channel Friday the 13th Last seen Jan 26, 2007 on Bravo Friday the 13th, Part 2 (not scheduled lately) Friday the 13th, Part 3 July 14, 2008 on American Movie Classics Friday the 13th 4: The Final Chapter (not scheduled lately) Friday the 13th part 5: A New Beginning May 31, 2008 on Thrillermax Friday the 13th, Part 6: Jason Lives March 15, 2007 on Cinemax May 30, 2008 on Thrillermax Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988) Jul 13, 2008 on American Movie Classics Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) Nov 5, 2006 on Showtime Dec 22, 2006 on The Movie Channel Jan 12, 2007 on Flix Movie Channel Jason X (2001, on a spaceship in 2455) May 22, 2008 on USA Network Freddy vs. Jason (2003, up against Freddy Krueger of Nightmare on Elm Street) July 7, 2007 on SciFi Channel Jul 23, 2007 on USA Network A Friday the 13th TV-series is occasionally seen on the SCIFI ChannelFun fact:
The underwear firm BVD was founded in 1876 by three men named Bradley, Voorhees and Day."Only the paranoid survive" Andy Grove, cofounder of INTEL Host segment transcript for 10/31/98 broadcast
John Bloom (Joe Bob Briggs) and Betsy Palmer at Frightmare Weekend in Grapevine, TX
(click to play 2006 clip)
Joe Bob Briggs reviews Sleepaway Camp 2 (15 dead bodies, 1 pathetic panty-raid)
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