What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while
in the greenroom after a concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your
repertoire."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin
lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
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