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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they wouldgo.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing.

He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.

In due time, he received a note "Thanks for the vase" it read, "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to thefarmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six yearsfrom now."

=True Stories Of Stupid Criminals =
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by runninga chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine though, they pulled the bumperoff their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With thechain still attached to the machine...with their bumper still attached to the chain...with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bagof cocaine on the counter, informed the Desk Sergeant that it wassubstandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrestedimmediately.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check -- a *forged* check. He got 10 years. And, hefinally got a job...making license plates.

Rockford, IL: Michael T. Zellmer forgot the First Commandment for wanted fugitives: Thou shalt not commit live TV interviews. Zellmer,22, chatted away with a TV reporter about the problems of underage drinking from his perch at a local tavern. He used his real name. Among those watching was off-duty Rockford Police Detective Jim Barton, who thought Zellmer looked awfully familiar. It took a moment, but Barton recalled seeing Zellmer's photograph and name only hours earlier on a fax describing a murder suspect wanted in Marietta, Ga. Barton telephoned on-duty officers, who went to Shooters Bar and Grill to make the arrest.

=Stress Management=
If you feel that things are getting you down, work colleagues are irritating you and you just want to shout "STOP!!" at the top of your voice, then try this exercise in relaxation...
Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. This is your own personal, secret place - nobody can bother you here.
Continue to breathe deeply, feeling all the tensions evaporating in the crystal clear sky.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall, trickling into a pond next to you, fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
Gaze into the clear, cool depths of the pond. Notice the sparkle of sunbeams on its surface.
Still gazing into the water, continue to breathe deeply and slowly.
The water is clear - focus your attention.
You can easily see the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.
There... feeling better?

=Show Us More=
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl says, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men all pull a buck out of their wallets.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men all pull out ten dollar bills.

The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will each give me $100, I will show you here I was operated on for appendicitis."

Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."

=Service= One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

=What To Call It= All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he's been accused of participating in.
Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates".
No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um.. Oh never mind.

=Is It Worth It= A Scotsman, upon finishing his business in the outhouse, was pulling up his pants when a quarter slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and fell into the hole.

Peering ruefully into the hole, he muttered to himself, "For a quarter, Nae." Upon which, he reluctantly withdrew another quarter from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, "But for 50 cents, aye!"

Horses
Three race horses stood in their stalls.
One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"
Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"
This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls.
The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them."
The horses looked at each other in amazement and One gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

=A Floral Mix Up=
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".

=I Was Here First=

A new department store announced that it was going to give out free TVs to the first 100 people who came to the store on its Grand Opening Day.
The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am, determined to receive their free TV.
When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to the front of the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 am. The big guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might!
The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front of the big burly man a second time.
Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man and the door a third time!
This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was about.
"Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of the line since early this morning, and this old man had the nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!"
When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man replied, "What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him several times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to open the store!"

=Wanted=

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, on the bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

=I'll Take A Chicken= Mrs. Flecher goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.
"Three pounds," he says.
"That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Flecher asks.
He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on The scale, while pressing with his thumb.
"Three and a half pounds," he says.
"That looks better," says Mrs. Flecher. "I'll take them both."

=I Deduce=
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see lots of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have a nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

=Irritation, Aggravation & Frustration= A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?"
"No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time.
"No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again"
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

=Shiny Object=
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The blonde says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos.
Her blonde boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?"
She said, "It's a thermos." The boss then says, "What does it do?"
She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle." No offense to blondes is intended.

-=Dealing With Jerks=-
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is John Reiner and could I please speak to Robin Bishop?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Joe with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can something about it.

Just dial 742-4522.

:Part 2:

This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 742-4522 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial).

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem

I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.

The jerk said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah.."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

"Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jerk!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now

Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.

The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct...

*~=The WC=~*
In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany.

She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house, a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

Regards,

The Schoolmaster

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