Allan's Jokes, 1999

These are jokes that I collected in 1999. I no longer add to the page, but you can still check in periodically to tickle your funny bone.

Back to Home Page
Good Jokes
Short Jokes
Picture Jokes
F Horn Jokes
Violin Jokes
Jokes '99
Jokes 2000
Newest Jokes





"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."


A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."


"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?" ---Rita Rudner


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. Ispent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."



=Two Questions=
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning. When Patty came into the office she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this. "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.

"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."


It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when a 30-year-old blonde named Michele got off work late one night. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

Michele sat in her car while it warmed up and finally remembered her dad's advice; that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift.

Sure enough, in a little while a snowplow came by and she started to follow it.

Michele followed the snowplow for several hours, until the driver climbed out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

Michele said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied "That's OK with me, but I'm all done with the WalMart parking lot."


Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
---Homer Simpson


During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.

"Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation."

"You know, Lieutenant funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints. =Living Backwards?=

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, to get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.

Now, that's a life!


=Sheep Fries=

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"


A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


A fellow walked up to me the other day and said, "Have you seen a cop around here anywhere?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Great. Stick 'em up!"


A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."


=Carjacking Granny= (A Supposedly True Story)

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of the car.

The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.


=The Truth And Nothing But The Truth=

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?" The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven... but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!


=Baseball in Hell=

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. unperturbed, "We've got all the umpires."


An Italian guy and a Jewish guy go out to dinner. They go to a very expensive restaurant and are there for a couple hours, talking and carrying on.

Finally, the waiter comes over and says, "Who should I give the check to?"

The Italian guy says, "Give it to me. I'll take care of everything."

"Fine," says the waiter as he hands him the check.

The next day the headlines read, "Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death."


=Halloween Costume=

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes, and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt, and go as a Caramel apple!"


I don't want to make the wrong mistake.
---Yogi Berra


=Blonde Mail...=

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

Her reply was: "My computer keeps telling me, 'You've got mail...'


=Blonde Driver=

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here. I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied,

"Ma'am ...that's your air freshener."


=Trade Your Rolls-Royce Now!=

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that?"


Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war situation with his cabinet.

"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?" a cabinet member asked.

"About a million and a half," said Lincoln.

"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was considerably less."

"So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals lose a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to one - and we have about 500,000 men."


Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five more years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head-first into the pool and breaks both arms.

The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

Well Doc," said number three, "I can't swim!"


=Look Before You Leap!=

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so upset I can't even see straight!"

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.

The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another ONE!". The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"

So the man begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!"

"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says 'Oh my gosh, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!'"

"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, TOO. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."

The bartender says, "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been sleeping with now, bitch?'

The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' Well, the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room.

I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.

Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh crap, I'm dead meat now'. But the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."

"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the bastard pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have enraged me for SURE."

"No, that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET."

"No, that WASN'T what really ticked me off."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally ticked you off?"

"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"


"Knock Knock"

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, but I was naked, and I hid myself."


=Quick Swim=

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they werean open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."


Walking home one night a drunk decided to take a short cut through a cemetery. He stumbled around the tombstones and accidentally fell into an open grave. He tried jumping to the top to pull himself out but he was just too drunk. After realizing the futility of this, he decided to sit down and wait until morning.

While sitting there in his drunken stupor, he heard a loud noise and realized another man had fallen into the same hole. He watched as the man kept trying to jump out only to fall back in.

Finally, he spoke up and said, "It no use, buddy. There is no way out."

The other guy screamed, jumped out of the grave and ran away shouting, " Don't kill me! I swear I'll quit drinking!"


=Mistaken Drunk=

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line,

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake!"



Thanks to the invention of the telescope, planets that are 100 billion miles away look to be only 50 billion miles away.
---John Wagner

The Oxen may be slow but the Earth is patient.
---Chinese Proverb

The palest ink is better than the sharpest memory.
---Chinese Proverb



A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire Iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."



Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machinewere these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."



I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being shot with a Fred gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
---Bob Neanover


A generously endowed young lady at a major university, often gets teased by her sorority sisters for being a size 34 DD. At a fraternity party, she was asked by a young man what she would like to drink. "Diet soda, please," she replied.

"Oh, you must be the double D." he said. The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information.

"And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.

Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly answered, "Oh, you know -- the designated driver."



The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the con- ductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassistsare loaded."



One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."



"Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out."
---Omni


"Blonde Interview"

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."



=New Chain Saw=
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chain saw shop and asks about various chain saws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chain saw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chain saw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chain saw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chain saw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chain saw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"