If you have children, please use discretion in sharing some of the following information with them. To give our daughter the best chance of developing a healthy self-image, we will be very careful in how and when we tell her about the circumstances of how she came to be available for adoption (to the extent that we will know them). While we plan to be very open and honest with her about her adoption from the beginning, some issues need to be handled carefully and at the appropriate time. Please decide what to tell your children about her and the Chinese culture after you read the following information, using gentle words that will not be fed back to our daughters in an unwittingly hurtful way (we've heard of children innocently telling an adopted child their mother threw her away in the garbage because she didn't want her . . . obviously misunderstanding what she heard her parents saying).

China is the most populous country in the world with 1.2 billion people (22% of the world's population). The one child policy is enforced in varying degrees in different regions of the country. In some places, a couple must apply to the government and receive an authorized schedule of when it is "their turn" to try for pregnancy. The penalties for having unauthorized children are severe if discovered, and can consist of being fined a year's wages, the loss of a job, imprisonment, social ostracism, etc...

Despite discouragement from the government, cultural practices are hard at work in the desire for sons in China. There are several reasons why Chinese families might prefer a boy over a girl. In rural provinces, a family's livelihood depends directly on the output of its members. Because of this, a family with sons would be at a considerable advantage over one with daughters. Historically, it is also the son's honored responsibility to take care of his parents in their old age. A daughter, however, would be expected to care for her husband's parents, rather than her own. In this regard, the Chinese believe that having a son is crucial to their livelihood, as well as a form of social security for the parents as they grow older.

95% of all babies abandoned by their parents in China are girls. It is illegal in most of China to give birth to a second child, though many have no other choice since there is no system where a parent can place a child for adoption. This is a catch-22 for birth parents because they can neither keep the child, nor make an adoption plan for the child, so most are forced to leave their child anonymously. Birth mothers typically leave their baby girl in a conspicuous public place where they know she’ll be found and cared for, like a busy public market, the steps of the police station or the gate of an orphanage. Some birth mothers leave a note with the child’s birth date, possibly a little more information and a brief reason why the child has been left. But, for many there is no birth record or history to be traced. The orphanage will determine how old they believe the child to be and give him/her a birth date and name.

There are about 1,000 orphan facilities in China, and only 250 are licensed for international adoption. This means they (the licensed facilities) have income from adoption fees that allow them to provide a relatively good environment for the children. According to everything we have read, the children receive good care and love from the orphanage staff. Although many orphanages are short of resources and cannot give each child adequate personal attention, the caregivers....called nannies....do become quite attached to the children. Because of the love and care received in most of the orphanages, babies from China, in general, are not showing significant attachment problems. Furthermore, the health of Chinese adoptive children is predominantly good. They may be malnourished (their formula is not as nutrient rich as ours), and some may be somewhat delayed in their gross motor skills, but these issues are usually easily and quickly rectified after a short time with their families. There are organizations such as “Half the Sky Foundation” that are training orphanage staff about child development and the importance of nurturing (especially physical contact) to help children to better develop both physically and emotionally. In the last few years, due to the efforts of these organizations, many of these orphanages have beautiful play rooms where the children play and receive much physical interaction with their nannies. Despite the strides made in updating and educating orphanages, there is, of course, a natural concern about the emotional and physical safety of any child who has spent up to a year or more in any orphanage. Yet, we know that this is what we are meant to do and we feel confident that we have the strength and resources to deal with any issues that may possibly arise (which most times are few or none). We ask that you join us in keeping in your thoughts the health and safety of our soon to be daughter and all children without homes.

Some of the orphanages’ children are in foster care, which is usually better for the child’s care, but heart-rending at separation because the foster mother and father are typically devoted and attached to the child.

We do not get to choose which child we will adopt, but as many adoptive parents can attest, the match is always a miracle. Just like having a biological child, there are no guarantees our child will look a certain way or be completely healthy. We do however, have some choices in adoption. We have requested a healthy baby girl between 6-12 months of age. We expect our daughter to be anywhere between 6-10 months at the time of referral.

When we get our referral we will be excited to share the news with you all. What we will receive will be her name (given by the orphanage), one or more photos of our daughter, her birth date, weight, height, some medical information, and possibly general information about her personality and interests. We have a pediatrician lined up who specializes in babies adopted from China, and we will take our referral information to him for review when we receive it. Sometimes the children will have what is referred to as an orphanage haircut. With so many children to care for, the orphanages will oftentimes keep the hair very short. And many times referral photos show a small child bundled in as many as six layers of clothing, making it difficult to really see the size of the child. Needless to say, we will be thrilled to finally put a face to our dreams and to see the little one that has been chosen for us.

Scant information suggests that the extreme outer provinces to the north, northeast and west, which are less developed and less populated, are not subject to the one child policy. This may explain why foreign adoptions generally do not come from these regions. The adoption orphanages are mainly in central and southern China, but rarely Beijing for some reason. Central and southern China are cold in the winter and very hot and humid in the summer.

All reports from those who have made the trip are the same. The Chinese people are quite friendly, and when they learn that you have adopted a Chinese child, they react with great delight and believe the babies are extremely fortunate. One of the things the people say is "Lucky baby". I'm sure we will feel it is the other way around!

As I understand it, most of the Chinese we will meet on the street will not speak English. Luckily, Mike has been busy learning Mandarin Chinese! That should help our interaction on the streets. The Chinese on the street are not shy, and they readily come forward and interact and ask about babies when they see them. Perhaps they love babies so much because there are so few.

Because children will naturally attach to those who take care of them and meet their needs, many adopted children go through a grieving period due to the loss of their caretaker. This grieving indicates a healthy ability to attach and attaching is an important social/emotional issue. We know of few problems with children (especially young children) bonding to their adoptive parents, although the amount of time it takes varies; usually the child warms up to his/her parents over a couple of days and bonds in a short period. It still may take a while for her to feel and know that we are her family. Because we will be sensitive to this issue, it will be important for us to have family time and wait to do a lot of traveling and visiting until we feel well adjusted as a family. It’s important for us to remember that she will most likely never have been outside of the orphanage and the sights, sounds, and all the people who look different (her world virtually turned upside down) may be overwhelming to her for the first few weeks. Therefore, we ask that you understand if she is shy and reluctant to be passed around.... after a short period of adjustment, she’ll transition into being a "normal" kid. We've been told that the first two weeks are the hardest once you get home from China....recovering from jet-lag, establishing new sleep patterns and getting back to the routine at home.

Through our actions and love we’ll teach her that we are her real parents and that she is our daughter and that Ashlyn is her real big sister. Talking often about the fact that she is adopted and telling her things such as, “I’m so glad we went to China to get you” and “I love your beautiful eyes and black hair” from the time she is tiny, will help her to always know that there is nothing wrong with being adopted or looking different than her other family members. We feel like honesty is the best policy, though we realize many issues will need to be handled delicately.

We will teach our daughter to honor her birth parents in China. Although we will know nothing about them or the circumstances of the abandonment, it is likely that giving her up was extremely difficult. It can be easy to be judgmental of anyone who abandons a child, but the circumstances in China are different than we can imagine and we will give them the benefit of the doubt. We will probably choose to tell her that her birth mother could not care for her, so she left her in a safe place so someone could find her and bring her to the orphanage where she would be cared for until we could bring her home.

There have been some important lessons to be learned from the previous decades of adoptive parents and children. One of these lessons comes from the (now adult) children adopted from Korea in the 1950s. At that time it was more important for children adopted internationally to assimilate or “fit in” rather than keep a connection to their birth culture. Many times in defending the “realness” of their family, these adoptive parents tried to pretend they were like everyone else and denied any differences, leaving a great feeling of loss and confusion for children adopted in Korea. Today, most people feel it is important to embrace the differences that exist in an intercultural family. It’s a very complex issue. As one family therapist put it: “Adoption itself carries a primal kind of loss. Add the loss of original country and culture, and you can see the magnitude of the issue.”

It is our desire to provide our daughter with as much opportunity to honor her heritage and pursue any interest she may have of her culture. It is likely she won’t be terribly interested in Chinese culture until she is much older, mature and less focused on “fitting in”. Cultivating respect for her culture and offering as much information as possible during her childhood will be important, as well as a promise we make to the CCAA in adopting her.

Our greatest desire is that our daughter will know other families and children that look like her and that we can find the balance between celebrating that she is a "normal" American child and honoring and celebrating her heritage. We have met many families who have or are adopting from China through a national organization called: "Families with Children from China" (FCC). There are chapters all over the United States and we have joined the North Texas chapter and a local chapter within our city. FCC holds events like Chinese cultural days, Chinese New Year celebrations, waiting family meetings, etc.. Ashlyn and I have joined our local group for play group, meeting at neighborhood parks each week. Of course Ashlyn loves playing with the other little girls and often tells them that she is going to be a big sister soon!