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From Mad Magazine

Cathy, 44, A Suicide After Killing Mother

Cathy fatally shot her mother today, then turned her handgun on herself. She was 44. According to her father, the shoot ings, climaxed several hours of arguing and screaming, much of it cnetering on Cathy's failure to marry and produce grandchildren. "It was the endless nagging that drove her over the edge," said her father. "I problably could have pre vented it, but being a gutless wimp, it would have been out of character for me."
Cathy's string of failed romances were well-documented. After a rocky relationship with Irving, she grew desperate and began search- ing for a life partner in other strips. She moved in with Dilbert, but his caring inexperience and lack of earning potential proved disas trous. Her final attempt at a rel ationship was a short-lived liaison with Sylvia. Cathy will be buried, some distance from her mother, in a bathing suit two sizes too small.
Meet Cathy

"Far Side" Cow Dead At 18

In what is described as a mercy killing, the "Far Side" cow was put to death today. The retired bovine, 18, was suffering from Mad Cow disease.
"We could see it coming," and FDA spokesman said. "Living in a surreal world and possessing all those human traits had given her delusions of grandeur. But after she was put out to pasture with normal cows, she realized she was just one more dumb ungulate in the food chain. This drove her berserk, foaming at the udder, so we had to put her to sleep."
No immediate family members survive. However, two distant cousins, Elsie and Clarabelle, will serve as pallbearers at the funeral, to be held at the local slaughterhouse.

A Bloating Victim

19, A Bloating Victim Garfield the cat, 19, died yesterday of excessive bloating. "He couldn't control his eating," said his owner Jon Arbuckle. "In the past few months his weight ballooned to over 80 pounds. He'd waddle a couple of steps or so, then collapse from the weight." An autopsy performed today revealed that Garfield's stomach contained a partly digested pizza, half a chocolate donut, the remains of a carp, three Twinkies and several body parts identified as once belonging to Odie the dog. Following the funeral, Arbuckle intends to reassemble Garfield's corpse and permanently attach it to the rear window of his car.

Waldo, 36, Presumed Dead

Waldo, 36, is missing and presumed dead. "We Gave up looking for him years ago." Said a spokesman for a local search team. "In the past we'd scour the earth, buy every time we'd find him he'd take off again. Finally, we put his picture on a mild carton and said the hell with it." Other reactions were mixed." It was a case of sibling rivalry," said Carmen Sandiego a half-sister. "Waldo tried to outdo me by hiding in shopping malls and outdoor rock concerts. These had no educational value, so it's no wonder people stopped caring." "The little deadbeat owed us for 20,000 tasseled caps, said a spokesman for the Acme Headgear Co. "Now we're filing for bankruptcy, thanks to him." A memorial service for Waldo will be held at 11 a.m. tomorrow at an unspecified location. Those wishing to attend will have to find it for themselves. Waldo pages

Charlie Brown
Dies of
Football Injury

Charlie Brown died today after suffering a broken neck. Brown, 14 fell on his head while attempting to kick a football held by a neighbor. Lucy Van Pelt. According to eyewitnesses, Van Pelt caused the accident by lifting the football as Brown was preparing to kick it. Van Pelt, who was also Brown's therapist, refused to take responsibility. "I've played this same dumb trick on Charlie Brown a hundred times," she said. "By now you'd think he'd have caught on. He's got no kick coming." Per his deathbed request, Brown will be buried with his dog Snoopy who will be put to sleep to provide companionship in the afterlife. Funeral services will be private. As in his lifetime, no adults will be permitted.
The Official Peanuts Page

(Off the Internet)

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man whom "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife -- they have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.

Dilbert, 43,
Found Dead in Cubicle

Dilbert D. Dilbert, 43, noted office underling, interfaced with death today. Mortal downsizing was attributed to his suffocation, cause by lack of ventilation in his windowless cubicle.

According to company spokesman, Dilbert was found slumped over his mouse pad. His e-mail requests for assistance had been sent to several colleagues, but the network server, like Dilbert, was down.

Dilbert's existence was not a high company priority," the spokesman said, "His departure, for which he had no authorization, will happily have no effect on quarterly earnings. It will, however, cause us to reevaluate his job performance rating."

Dilbert is survived by colleagues, Dogbert, Ratbert, and Catbert, none of whom cared to make themselves available for comment.

According to Dilbert's wishes, he will be interred in a coffin with a corner window. Mourners are asked to send memos in lieu of flowers.

Dilbert Zone


Spider-Man, 71,

Dies in Nursing Home

The Amazing Spider-Man, 71, hanged himself in the Super Heroes Nursing Home today, according to a report on the World wide Web.

"W found him dangling from his own filaments, a spokesman said. "It was the prettiest noose you'd ever want to see."

Once a leading crime fighter, Spiderman had been suffering from severe depression following the decline in popularity of his daily comic strip. Though he tried to scale new heights, he never enjoyed the success of his more "Ever time he saw a Superman T-shirt of a Batman lunch box he'd sink a little deeper," the spokesman said. "He hit bottom with news that Arnold Schwarzenegger had signed for Batman IV."

It was planned that Spider-Man would be laid to best in the Super Heroes Mausoleum, but due to his lack of merchandising success he will be interred in the small-times annex.

Beetle Bailey, 66, Dies;
Was Army's Oldest Private

Beetle Bailey, the only Army enlisted man to serve 47 years as a private, was pronounced dead today at 1400 hours. However, exact time of death has yet to be determined.

"I found him in his bunk unconscious, which for him was normal, said Sgt. Orville Snorkel at Camp Swampy. "I tried punching him awake, but he wouldn't come around. I figured he was faking a coma to get out of latrine duty. I got a little concerned when rigor mortis set in, but I figured he was faking that too. He could have been dead for a week, for all I know."

Bailey, who joined the Army in 1950, had a long history of service related ailments. During the Korean War he complained of acute combat fatigue, and during the Vietnam conflict, has often hospitalized for post-traumatic stress. Following treatment for shell shock during the invasion of Grenada, he spent six months on sick leave in 1990, the result of Desert Storm syndrome.

These claims of illness remain open to question. According to Pentagon records, Bailey spent his entire Army career at Camp Swampy.

Bailey qualified for promotion to PFC on 21 occasions. Each time he refused concerned about the strain and pressures of added responsibility.

Befitting his rank, funeral services will be private. To honor Bailey's death, all Army posts will fly their flags at full mast.

Students Work

Elmer Fudd
Today Elmer Fudd died at age 50. He didn't even get to take Bugs Bunny down with him. Cause of death was due to trying to catch Bugs when he shot himself in the foot and lost a large amount of blood. His burial will be held at the mausoleum of Warner Brothers on 10/29/99 at 4:00. Any hunters that want to attend may. After the burial Bugs Bunny deliver a short eulogy about how he always had a great time with Elmer and how he will always be remember.

Melissa's Elmer Fudd Page

Kenny McCormick

Kenny McCormick, age 10, died last week from suicide. He was found in this room with a self-inflicted knife wound in the heart. Kenny was a fourth-grader in South Park Elementary. Classmates say he seemed to be in a great depression all the time.
" I think he was depressed because his family was so poor," said friend Eric Cartman.
Another friend of his, Kyle said, "I could understand why he would be depressed. Bad things happened to him every day. Sometimes we thought he was dead, but by the next day he was better." He probably just wanted to end it forever."
Kenny's other friend, Stan, had this to say, "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" which caused great confusion that took days to figure out. Kenny left behind his mother, father and three friends. He will be buried in the South Park Elementary on Saturday 12:00. The inscription on his gravestone will be, "Sleep Well my little child, The Lord is with thee now."

Wile E. Coyote

The most popular coyote of the decade, Wile E. Coyote, died last night from an explosive Acme device.
As always, Mr. Coyote was trying to kill the Roadrunner but it ended in a tragedy. He had a stick of dynamite hidden in a can of birdseed. When he waited for the Roadrunner to zoom by the explosive backfired and blew up Wile E.
Meep, meep," said the Roadrunner explaining the death of Mr. Coyote.
As A puppy, Wile E. yearned for the taste of the Roadrunner. In fact, this became an obsession.
Wile E. Coyote's funeral will be held at Acme Acres Cemetery on November 2, at 4:30 P.M.
Celebrities that will be appearing are; Mervin the Martian, Bug Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky the Pig, Taz, and many other looney tunes.

Tweety Bird

Finally Caged

Tweety Bird, died yesterday at the age of fifteen. Sylvester had finally got a hold of the bird while old granny was not looking. The beloved birdie will be buried in the Bird Cage on Saturday Morning.

Memorials may be sent to: "You Bad Ole Puddy Cat Foundation". If you have any questions please call-- 1-800-BYE-BIRD

Donald Duck
He wasn't the smartest duck.
He also had very bad luck.
His tempers were not the nicest they coudl be.
As you can see.
His tempers got the best of him.
Now his life is over and dim.

Do you know that rabbit named Bugs Bunny?
He was pretty funny.
Carrots were his favorite dish.
And he only had one wish.
Which was to be with Bags Bunny
Who he liked to call honey.

Porky Pig
He spits when he talks.
And he eats anything that walks.
He was a very fat pig.
He was very big.
He ate too much one day.
And here you see him lay.


Scooby-Doo where are you?

This was the common question asked by best friend Shaggy. Scooby died today while out looking for a Scooby snack. He died of fright, when a ghost appeared which later was proven to be a cover up disquise for a Bank President trying to steal money.
Attending the funeral will be best friend Shaggy, co-workers Freddy, Thelma, and Dafney. Also a close relative Scooby's nephew Scrappy, will be among the mourners. He will be buried at the pet cemetery 12:00 A.M.

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