2/19/03
WHAT A HATEFUL THING TO SAY....

I forgot to mention this last week.

So Tim and I were at his company party on a Saturday evening and we were having a really good time.  Good people, crazy antics...just a group of people cutting loose and having a good time....until....

We were sitting around a table, talking and joking, when someone questioned if *Bill really WAS married because no one had ever actually seen his wife. They never go to functions together, and had I not seen her with my own two eyes once before, I guess I probably would have wondered as well.  

As they were questioning whether or not he actually had a wife, one of the women at the table said, "Yeah, he has a wife.  But it's no wonder he never goes anywhere with her.  Have you seen her?  She's as big as this table! She has to be 400 lbs."  

I sat frozen.

I felt attacked. 

My eyebrows raised, my jaw dropped and I sat silent.  I felt like she had just said those things to me.

That was the most hateful thing I've heard in a long time.  It's people like her that perpetuate discrimination and ill will.  How awful!  At that moment I wanted to go on the offensive and take her down, rifling off obscenities: calling her ignorant, brutal and prejudice.  But I didn't.  I just sat there, feeling bad about life in general - silently hating myself for not sticking up for someone I've only briefly met in person, but bound by societies short-comings forever.  

Even though I am no longer technically "obese", I will forever keep in my heart the struggle of fitting in, being accepted and trying to live life on a daily basis as a fat person.  I don't ever want to let that go.  

After being overweight for such a long time, I have decided that God wanted me to be fat for a reason.  And even though I have cursed that reason many times, I had to have faith that it would all work out in the end....and so far, we're on the right path.

I know I'm not perfect and at times I too have probably said things that weren't nice.  But what she said that night changed me a little inside.  I never want to make another person feel as awful as how she made me feel...even though it wasn't directed at me, I still had every right to take offense.  I never want hateful words that spilled from my lips to be the basis that some stranger uses to judge my character.  I'm not saintly, but who said I can't try? **wink**

* names have been changed to protect the lucky people who weren't around to be bombarded by such hateful words

Wow.  It's been a while since I've written.  I guess it's because I don't have a whole lot to say.  Sometimes it's easy to articulate how I'm feeling, and other times it's torturous.  I'm going through the latter right now, so bare with me....

As I write this, I am currently down a total of 116 lbs.  I feel awesome and I'm feeling more confident.  So why do I feel like the world is against me?

I've been "big" all my life...I've never known any other way. So this is all new to me.  New clothes, new hair, new make-up, new attitude...I'm discovering things that I've only dreamt about.  But it's hard to show my joy and happiness because I've learned that most people don't want to hear it.  Plain and simple.  I don't think it's that they don't care, I think they're tired of hearing about it.  Maybe they think that I'm bragging.  Could this be?  Trust me, I'm not.  I'm just happy about my weight for the first time in 30 years.  There's a HUGE difference.

So where does that leave me?  It leaves me here, sitting in Middletown, USA high-fiving myself because I don't want to step on any toes.  It leaves me alone to dance as I get off the scale each morning.  It leaves me by myself to cry when I step into a size I can't ever remember fitting into....ever.

Is this a pity party for me? No, it's not meant to be. This is just how I feel.  I've stopped talking about huge milestones, weight loss and all things weight related.  I don't want to become one-dimensional.  I'm still the old me - there just happens to be a lot less of me, that's all.  I still love to laugh.  I still over exaggerate when I tell funny stories.  I still cherish my family and friends.  I'm just no longer obese.  What's the big deal?

I just wonder if anyone else has experienced this or is going through it right now. If you have and you feel compelled to share your story, please send me an email at phunny_girl_99@yahoo.com.

Peace.