Now Playing: Dido - Hunter and various artists
Topic: Stray Thoughts
Blog 02.14.2005
The frustrating thing for me balancing my virtual reality with all the things I want to do in my real relationships with my friends is being forever unable to look in anyone?s eyes or touch them. I can?t tell if someone is rolling their eyes at me and telling me ?Yes Mz. Au? just to shut me up for once. I can?t grab anyone by the back of the head and have them show me that eye roll again with feeling this time. I?m just a dork waiting around for the other kids to come out and play with me if I can?t touch someone and have an effect on someone?s life.
And why do I have to force that upon someone else? Why am I expected to chase after a slave when I?ve kept my promises and treated it better than *any* relationship it has ever known before me? If a slave doesn?t want to live by an Owner?s ways and standards, what?s the Owner expected to do? Who is in control if ?negotiating? means the Master adapts to suit the ideals and expectations of the slave(s)? I ask for opinions so I have more information so I can make more informed choices. I often think my slaves have good ideas and will gladly take those actions. And that is just my nature, I?m lenient like that, most of my dominant friends are far more strict in their private lives than I am in mine. And what am I going to do online? Exactly?jack shit.
I remember being slapped in the face for blushing and feeling ?shy? for my Mistress? nude body. She knew herself to be a goddess and it was rude for her personal slave to think any less of her than she would think of me. I already knew for a fact she enjoyed my nude body. It was my job as her slave to look upon her with adoration and encouragement, otherwise what?s the point of having such a personal slave around when so many begged her attentions in earnest?
I emailed a friend not long ago and one thing I said stuck in my head and I?ve wondered why I missed some of the old days when they were a serious bitch the first time? I think it?s because I miss the risk and the reality of the moments I shared with those people. I don?t have that with even my sister anymore. I have great phone conversations and yahoo messages, and nothing touches me deeply.
I remember being gagged for the rest of the evening for interrupting the conversations of the Owners in the room and thinking I had something to say. I remember kneeling for hours between Owners and holding various items for them like a living utility rack. I remember all the protocol just to bring a glass of cool water to an unfamiliar Owner working over a slave because that was my life for so very long. I told my friend in that email that I missed having to park the car three blocks away because the neighbors were assholes and would have ?strange? cars towed away when we went out to be kinky with folks. What I really meant was that I missed the risk and the feeling that we would give our life?s blood to each other without blinking an eye if life came to that?again.