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LOVERS FOR LIFE, The Path of Lasting Passion: |
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| What is your ultimate vision for your intimate relationship? What do you want to create, give, have, share, and become in this area of your life? What is your compelling vision for love, intimacy, passion, connection, and fun? Describe the relationship, not a specific partner. | |||||
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answered 2-28-10 This is the first question after the section that we listened to on the CD in the car after dropping the kids off. It was corny and a little difficult to listen to, but after getting past this, I think there is a lot of good points that can be taken from it. In our relationship, I want to create an atmosphere of safety and confidence that we will be happily together forever. I know that you have had this in the past and that I destroyed it. I take responsibility for that and commit to growing toward that level again. I want to give you what you need most. I want to give you the safety and assurance that I love you and will always be here for you. I want to have the type of love that we know can withstand anything. I want it to be a constant in our lives, not something that we fear will evaporate some day. I want to share in your interests and your plans for our life together. I want to become the lover that you know loves you, finds you incredibly attractive and sexy, doesn't judge you, enjoys you, honors you as a mother, and wants you to be happy. My vision is a deep, playful, happy love. Intimacy plays a big part for me, physical and nonphysical. Sex is not the only factor in physical intimacy. Other forms of touch, holding hands, cuddling, show me that I am desired. And, yes, orgasm is a concentrated creator of intimate closeness, but intercourse is not always necessary. I want to feel that you are a part of my sexuality and that it is more than a nuisance to you. This can be shown in many ways, even if sex is not desired. If you walk in on me masturbating, a huge gift would be to lay down next to me and hold me or rub my chest. Or encourage me to masturbate if you don't want to have sex. It would mean so much just to have you present and to be a part of the experience. This is one example. Nonphysical intimacy is important to me as well. I want you to be able to tell whatever you are feeling with confidence that you are doing so in a safe environment. I know that I do not foster this very well, but it is part of my vision for our relationship. I want us to be able to discuss our dreams and grow together along a common path. Passion is similar to intimacy for me, although I feel it has more emphasis on desire. Surprising me in the shower the other day was a great example of passion to me. We were both naked and wet making out. It was very passionate. I want to display the same passion to you, without you having to worry about where it will lead. I want you to feel desired. I want us to have fun together. This is hard for me because I am such a reserved person. Fun for me tends to be relaxing and doing nothing, like watching a movie. But I also want us to do things that are exciting. I want us to share in each others' ideas of fun. I would love to go to an arcade and play video games with you, even though that is not your idea of the greatest time. I would also like to go on a date with you and do exactly what you want to do, with no regard for my preferences. I would be curious to see what that would be and enjoy being with you while you are doing something you enjoy. I would also like to have a playful relationship. I would love for us to be able to joke and tease each other, race shopping carts in Wal-mart, or pinch each others' ass. All of these things lead to a sense of connection for me. They give me a sense of acceptance and closeness to each other. This is important in order to develop a relationship in which we are both secure. I know that there is much more that goes into creating a great relationship, and that I have a lot more things that I need to work on. One concept that I try focusing on, though, is that great relationships are created . It is natural to fall into that trap of feeling that a great relationship just happens if two people love each other or are supposed to be together. Nothing else in this life comes easily or just happens, so why do we expect our relationships to sail perfectly straight without any help? If nothing else, this program has served as a reminder that relationships, like any other aspect of our lives, takes hard work and conscious effort. "If it is not growing, it is dying." |
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LOVERS FOR LIFE, The Path of Lasting Passion: |
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| Which of the six relationship positions are you really in? | |||||
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answered 2-28-10 Before we started listening to this program I would have said that we were at a level 3: "You and your partner may live together, and you may be comfortable, but there is no deep emotional involvement. There may be friction between you, as neither of you feels very loved or wanted" Now that I have started councelling, started listening to the program, we've been talking more, having more sex and physical contact, and we have both been actively trying, I feel that our relationship is closer to a two: "You have a deep love with your partner... However, you no longer have the passion, juice, fun, and excitement you want. You feel more like family members than lovers. You may have had this passion in the past and grown comfortable... The good news is, it's possible to move from Position Two to Position One within minutes or seconds! This is an exciting place to be, as the rewards can be immediate." I think we probably go between two and three off and on. It seems to follow my moods, as when I'm in a bad mood our relationship suffers. I know this, but not sure what to do about it. It is very difficult (impossible?) to change my mood when I'm in a bad one. Hopefully, we can grow our relationship to a 2/1 level regardless of my moods. |
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LOVERS FOR LIFE, The Path of Lasting Passion: |
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| If you're in a relationship, which position is your partner in? Why do you think so? What have you felt or observed? | |||||
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answered 2-28-10 I would say that you are at about the same level as I am, although before we listened to this, I would have said you were at a level 4: "You're with your partner, but you were in Position Three for so long that now you've got your finger on the button. You don't feel committed to making the relationship work, you're just waiting for the right conditions to leave. Maybe you're waiting for the kids to go to college, maybe you're waiting for finances to change." Although it says more about me than about you, I felt that you were looking for someone else online, for an emotional relationship if not for someone to leave me for. I felt that you were hiding something from me online, that you were flirting with guys, or talking to someone you didn't want me to know about. I think this was more about my insecurity and me knowing that I was not meeting your needs. This is one thing I am trying very hard to remedy. Now I would say you are at a level 3/2. You are obviously trying hard, and I have noticed it. Thank you for not giving up on us and continuing to help our relationship grow to the 1/2 level. |
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LOVERS FOR LIFE, The Path of Lasting Passion: |
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| What has been preventing you from taking your relationship to the next level? What beliefs, behavior patterns, or emotions have held you back from taking the next step? | |||||
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answered 2-28-10 My thought processes have always held me back and have prevented me from taking our relationship to the next level. I take everything personal and take everything to heart. If you were upset about something, I would assume it was my fault or even if it wasn't I should have been able to foresee a way to avoid whatever it was that made you upset. If you were upset, I felt like I had to fix it because I was responsible. If you were upset, I felt like I failed and failure upon failure piled up and I felt like I couldn't do anything to take care of you. I focused more on trying to do the right things instead of focusing on loving you. I have always been self conscious, uncertain, lacking self esteem, (a pussy for short), and focused on my failure as a husband, rather than on my love for you (dispite my weariness over my failures). These are all things that have stood in the way of loving you like you should be loved. |
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LOVERS FOR LIFE, The Path of Lasting Passion: |
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| What would it take to change it all? What fears, beliefs, or past memories can you transform to go to the next level? What do you need to do now to create the relationship you desire and deserve? | |||||
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answered 3-1-10 The biggest thing I have to overcome is my fear of losing you. Every time I make a mistake, I forget something or upset you, I fell like it is ultimately going to lead to you leaving. Every fight we have ever had has felt like the end of our relationship. Every time we have argued I thought we were breaking up. This fear has paralyzed me in our relationship. It makes me focus on my weaknesses because every time I forget something, ect., it feels like a relationship ending mistake. You have shown me an incredible unconditional love, and our relationship has weathered so much, that it makes this fear unreasonable. And yet it affects the way I think and feel in our relationship. I need to lose this fear so that I have the freedom to love you. |
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THE 7 MASTER SKILLS &THE 10 DISCIPLINES OF LOVE | |
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Score yourself and explain why you gave yourself this
score. SKILL #1: Heartfelt Understanding: Generate loving insight into your partner's needs, desires, and fears. Understand and empathize with your partner's emotional patterns and commit to being there for them. Score yourself (out of 10):__1___ |
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answered 3-1-10 I do not score well here. It is not because of a lack of trying or wanting to understand and empathize but due to an inward focused view. I pay attention to your emotions but take them as a reflection on myself. If you are upset or stressed I feel responsible which snowballs into regret, inadequacy, ect, ect. And I can not love you from this place. I can not love you when I focus inwardly at my shortcomings. While I started with good intentions by paying attention to your emotions, I fell into the trap of turning back on myself. Its not about me, its about you. I want to know your needs and desires and I want to give you want you need and want, but that is difficult for me as well. I'm not a very observant person. I'm not a very socially intelligent person. This makes it hard to decipher your needs. I know that a lot of women feel that their man should not have to be told what she needs and wants; he should just know. Well, maybe so, but it would help to be told sometimes too:) It is my hope that as we grow closer, you will feel safe to naturally tell me what needs you have that are not being met. It is my desire to meet those needs so that you feel the love I have for you; the love you deserve. |
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| Do you follow The First Discipline of Putting Your Lover First? | |||||
| answered 3-2-2010
No, but now I understand that I don't. That is a start and now is when the change begins. I thought that I was putting you first, but it was only to the end of trying to make you happy so that I felt like I was doing a good job and avoided those feelings of inadequacy, not because I wanted to meet your needs. This is a huge difference that I am now beginning to understand. Shifting this point of view, or way of thinking, makes it easier to put you first. This is because even when I fail, and I do several times a day, my focus is on you, not my failures. This alters my inward view to an outward view toward you. It is definitely a much better view (especially from behind on all fours;) | |||||
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THE 7 MASTER SKILLS &THE 10 DISCIPLINES OF LOVE | |
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Score yourself and explain why you gave yourself this
score. SKILL #2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED (out of 10):__1___ |
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answered 3-2-10 This one seems to tie closely into the last one. While I have always tried to give you what I think you want, I have never thought about or discovered what you really need. As heartfelt understanding improves, I think this skill will improve as well. The willingness is there. I just need to adjust my way of thinking. |
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| Do you follow the second Discipline of Loving No Matter What? | |||||
| answered 3-7-2010
I always thought I did, but I didn't really know what it meant. I didn't really get it until Tony likened it to loving your children no matter what. When Darby is sad, for instance, she might yell and act angry. She talks back and screams. When this happens, I do not see the words she says or her actions, I see the underlying issue. I understand she is sad and that is why she is acting this way. It should be similar with your lover. When they are upset, that is when they need your understanding the most, and it is all the more important to see their soul; not the words they say. This is difficult to do for men and women, especially one as dense as me, but this analogy helped clear things up a little. (note: I'm not comparing you or our love to a child, only the idea of loving no matter what.) | |||||
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THE 7 MASTER SKILLS &THE 10 DISCIPLINES OF LOVE | |
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Score yourself and explain why you gave yourself this
score. SKILL #3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT (out of 10):__-5___ |
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answered 3-7-10 I'm not sure what to say here. Obviously I have not done this for the majority of our relationship, culminating in The Incident. Since then I have tried hard, but its seems the more I try, the more I find ways to fuck it up. Obviously I have been trying to do this the wrong way. Consistently focusing on the first skill is how I intent to do this from this point forward. |
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| Do you follow the third Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate and Express Your Natural Essence and True Core? | |||||
| answered 3-7-2010
No. I've been a pussy. I've been too afraid of losing you and disturbing the status quo to express my true self fully. Its time I become a man; Your Man. "Playing small never serves." | |||||
| Do you follow the fourth Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate Threats and Judgment and Remember the Power of Language? | |||||
| answered 3-11-2010
Actually, I think I might have a pretty good foundation to work with on this one. I always try to think before I speak so that I don't say something I don't mean. I try to keep that positive intent up front. I realize the power of language and I try to speak with "I" statements. Of course, I don't do this 100% of the time and there is room for improvement. I don't verbalize threats, but I'm beginning to realize that my bad moods, my depression, my withdrawal is a non-verbal threat. Its saying that if I don't get what I want I'm going to "take my ball and go home," my ball being (no not THAT, perv), my love. This is not how I think about it, its not something I do consciously, but I can see this message in my actions. Most of the time, my bad mood has nothing to do with you, but by unintentionally withdrawing from you during those times, I am sending that message of conditional love; I love you, unless I'm in a bad mood. Of course, this is not how I feel, but it is the message being portrayed. When I am depressed I don't have the "energy" to think or feel much of anything. But I will use these times as a way to strengthen our love affair, not tear it down. My love may look differently during these times, but I'll make sure you know it is still there and still strong. | |||||
| Do you follow the fifth Discipline of Freedom: The Power of Forgiving, Forgetting, and Flooding? | |||||
| answered 3-24-2010
Yea, I think this one is pretty easy for me. There isn't much for me to forgive and forget. I'm trying to flood in order to change my perspective. I could use your help with this on the "flooding" page. If you have any moments from our relationship that were fun or exciting or happy, ect, submit them on that page, or below even, and I'll include it. | |||||
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THE 7 MASTER SKILLS &THE 10 DISCIPLINES OF LOVE | |
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4. SKILL: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION Score yourself (out of 10):___4 __ |
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answered 2-24-10 Maybe its a 4 for effort, I'm not sure, but I have been trying to lighten the general mood of our relationship and add spontaneity and playfulness to it. I have been consciously focusing on being present with you, both by actively listening and ignoring distractions when we are together and by thinking of you and ways to show you love when we are not together. Passion is a little different. Me trying to incite passion is parallel to annoying you. I haven't figured out how to do this without you assuming that all I want is sex. I'm not complaining and I'm not worried. I think that as you begin to understand my true feelings about sex and intimacy with you, you will feel safer around that subject, and trust me in that area; trust me not to withdraw my love if you refuse to let me put it in you, (that's not how I think). I think about being close to you. |
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| Do you follow the sixth Discipline of Daily Intimacy: Full Engagement-- Open Your Heart, and Hold Nothing Back? | |||||
| answered 3-24-2010
I think I have been doing this. I haven't been as good at it the last couple of days (worrying about finals, ect.), but I think I have been trying to express myself more. I tell you what I'm upset about (if I know. if not, I tell you that.) and I've been trying to express my positive feelings as well. I want you to know that I don't take you for granted and how much I love you. I have been trying to give you intimacy in ways you can receive it, and I'm enjoying the growth I can see in our relationship (my counselor can see it too). |
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