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Periodic Musings From Me To You
| 2-15-10 | When you really really love someone, you spend a lot of time making them their own website. |
| 2-16-10 | You're taking a bath right now. All I can think about is you... naked, steamy, and wet. |
| 2-18-10 | We dropped the kids off yesterday. While I miss them, it was really nice to sleep with you (without company), all night, in our bed together. |
| 2-19-10 | I labeled the link as daily, and then striked that, and put almost daily, struck that, and then just put periodic, to be funny. But its turning out to actually be daily musings. Might even write more than one on some days. Guess I'll have to strike periodic. |
| 2-20-10 | Last night we went to the movies and ate sushi. It was a very nice, romantic evening. You had trouble sleeping though, and we had sex, but I was so worked up, it did nothing for you. I was upset the next day because I felt like I failed. I tried so hard to make it a nice evening for you and then it ended like that. And then I went to get breakfast for us and I forgot to go to Starbucks. I know it seems like I don't love you when I forget things like that, so that upset me further. Please know, I do love you. |
| 2-21-10 | We went to a movie and got some sushi again last night. It was really nice, except the movie I picked, Legion, was a borderline horror movie, so I fucked up there. But the rest of the night was good. We made love later. We fucked soft and hard; it was certainly the best sex we have had in a very long time. I hope you liked it as well, I have been pretty self conscious about my body and my performance. I don't want to be a selfish lover. I want you to get what you need as well. |
| 2-24-10 | This week has been amazing. Last night I took a late shower because it is too cold in the mornings to take one. The kids were already asleep, and you surprised me in the shower! It was awesome. You got naked and everything, got in with me and we made out, naked and wet. We haven't done that in a long time. It means a lot to me. Then, that night, we had sex AGAIN. Its been incredible. You're amazing. I love you. |
| 2-25-10 | Sometimes I am in a bad mood, and even I don't know why. I know you don't like hearing that, and don't believe that I can be in a bad mood for no reason. I know that you don't feel loved when I am in a bad mood, and I understand. Its hard for me to show love with words and affection; the way I prefer to show it. So on days like today, I try to show love in other ways, like picking up poop, cleaning the bathrooms, and washing the dog. I know that this is a lower form of loving display, but its something I can do while I'm in a bad mood. I love you and want to show you. |
| 2-26-10 | We took the kids to Toddler Town today. Its pretty cool how we have pretty much the same idea about how we want to raise them. We both interacted with them with an eye toward helping them be more independent and social. I love that we have the same vision for our kids, and I love you. |
| 2-28-10 | We took the kids to gymnastics yesterday. You were afraid that some of the parents thought that you were being inappropriate by pushing them to do things, ie throwing them in the foam pit. I think we were doing the right thing. We pushed them to their limit to show them how fun new things can be. We did not endanger them, although we are probably rougher with them than other parents are with their kids. I think this is right as well. I feel that we need to be careful not to traumatize them, like almost happened when you threw Darby in and her foot hit my leg and it hurt her, but making them do things that they want to do, but are afraid to do, will ultimately lead to confidence and adventurous personalities. This is my hope, anyway, and I feel we share this philosophy on child rearing. |
| 3-2-10 | I am incredibly hopeful for us. Things seem to be turning around for us. Its kind of funny; when we are fighting or upset with each other, it is difficult for me to study because I am focused on those horrible emotions. Now, when our relationship is beginning to grow and show the beginning signs of buds, I find it difficult to study because I am trying to think of thoughtful things to do for you to express my love. That is a much more desirable problem. |
| 3-4-10 | "You have to leave where you are, to get where you want to be." That's really what this site is about for me; recording our journey to where we want to be. Of course we will never get there, and that is a good thing. "If you're not growing you're dying," but the magic is in the travel. In fact, I feel that we have already left where we were just a few weeks ago and are well on our way down the path together. |
| 3-6-10 | Your perspective and attitude toward a specific circumstance can honestly change how you feel about a particular situation. We went to follies last night. We could have buried ourselves in our embarassment and regret, but instead we decided to have a good time and enjoy each other regardless. And that is what we did. Our attitude determines the color of our relationship. I am beginning to understand this. |
| 3-7-10 | I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. (Tomorrow: copy, paste, repeat) |
| 3-8/9-10 | I loved when you called me your hero today because I said I would clean up Buerrssh's puke. I know you were joking around, but I want to be your hero. I want to be your man. I want to take care of you; take care of your needs. You're my girl and I'm glad, proud, and thankful for that. |
| 3-9-10 | I'm glad you let me take care of you today. I wanted you to relax and take a nap or a bath, but you didn't want to say OK. I knew it was just because you were being strong, but I just wanted you to be my girl and let me take care of you. And you did. Thank you. |
| 3-11-10 | I know you're scared. Why wouldn't you be? I haven't been a man in the past; man enough to love no matter what. I was, well, lets just call him "Gaylord". I was Gaylord, and Gaylord was a pussy. He didn't mean to be. He wasn't one on purpose, but his pussiness prevented him from taking care of you. He was petrified of failure and didn't realize that the only failure is not to love. With every failure, or perceived failure, he curled up into the fetal position and withdrew his love. Not because he didn't love you, but because he was afraid it wasn't enough; he wasn't enough. He was so caught up in the thought that he had to DO everything right in order for you to love him, and didn't realize that he really just had to LOVE always. As for you giving me what I want, you give me so much already. I know you don't feel that, and I know that's mostly my fault, due to my own issues, but you do fill me up. In times when we are just together and I can feel your heart, I have everything. You know my #1 need is love and connection. When I'm loved by you I have what I need, and you love me in many ways everyday. You do so much to take care of me and show me you care. I treasure the affection that we have had recently. I love holding you close. Taking two minutes to just be with each other is a good way for me to connect and share our love. I think, what you might be referring to by "give [me] what I need" is sex. I think you might be surprised about my true idea of the perfect sex life, but we don't have to worry about that right now. For now, I'm giving you one job; let me love you and you just try to feel that love. (is that two jobs?). To grow in our relationship, we have to align with each other in our vision of our relationship. This includes getting to a place where we can define the ideal sex life together. We'll get there, but first you need to trust that I love you. I love you, all of you. Always. You're my wife, my lover, my girl, my Bonita. |
| 3-12-10 | Who would have thought that the day after explaining the difference between me and Gaylord and building up all of this confidence in "loving always," I would have a bad day. Tony says that depression, or bad moods, is due to "going to that place" because it meets one of you needs. For the life of me, I couldn't find a need that my bad mood was meeting today, and I certainly would have like to come out if it, but just couldn't manage it. I guess its a work in progress, and obviously I have a lot of progressing to do. |
| 3-14-10 | When I am down and sad and being a bear, its a cry for love, though I know it isn't fair and its not the best way to encourage love to show. So, thank you for saying, "I love you" and making sure I know. With your actions and your gestures and your hugs and your words, you make it known how you feel. Even when you're frustrated from our little turds, I know you love me, ever still. I know its frustrating when I'm stressed out, when I seem closed off and you don't know what I'm about, but I'm not withholding or drawing back from you. And I want to make sure you know how much I love you too. |
| 4-1-10 | I just wanted to say that I appreciate how hard you have been trying. It is very obvious that you are putting a lot of effort toward helping me meet my study goals and make things easier for me. You have also been taking steps to actively improve your own psyche, ie. talking to the doctor, joining the gym, and I am very happy to see this. I want you to be happy and to realize the importance you play in your life. I want you to see how significant you are, without having to minimize the part you play. You feel like you don't contribute because you don't have a job or are not going to school, but you don't recognize the achievements in your life. Our kids are brilliant, and you are the one that is with them constantly. You are the one who incorporates learning into every activity. You make learning a constant part of their lives. You've said in the past that you feel bad because you don't sit down and work with them. Some parents do, but what is better; to work with a kid for 15 mins in an environment that feels an awful lot like studying, or singing your address and mixing colors in the bathtub? You are making sure that life and learning are not separate ideas; you don't have to sit down at the table and have a "teaching session" in order to learn. This will help them tremendously if the future, I know for a fact. And that is all you! Take credit. Modesty is one thing, but not recognizing the value of what you do and the gifts that you give, to me, to the kids, is unhealthy and, frankly, a lie. Start seeing the truth and you will see what I see; a family that benefits everyday because of your constant efforts. Thank you. |
| 4-7-10 | I fear that I did damage to our relationship this week. God knows I tried not to let my disappointment show through and take over; I tried to be happy and cheery. That lasted for about two hours and ended up just reducing communication because I was trying to be something I wasn't by denying how I felt. But I know you get angry when I get down about grades and I think you lost some respect for me these past couple of days. But I guess there is no time like right now to start over. Past failures don't have to lead to continuing failures. Just because I let our affection fade this week, doesn't mean I have to wallow in that regret; I can start rebuilding that affection right now. |
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| 4-14-10 | So, I don't know what's going on with me. I was starting to believe that I could change, that I could control how I feel. And then all of the shit with finals and failing practicals and the stress that comes with that; first stressful thing that comes along and I go right back to the place I've always been in. I destroyed whatever kind of connection we were starting to create, and I'm finding it very difficult to come back from that. I don't know what I need to do. I know that my low states affect you and make you feel that I don't love you. I'm not sure how to show you that I do. I try to do things for you, but if I do them while I'm in a bad mood, it doesn't really count. I would be more affectionate; I like to physically show my love with hugs and kisses, but you don't seem very receptive to that. I don't feel I can say or write "lovey dovey" stuff right now, because I don't think you would believe it and you would think that I'm just making it up. So, I'm just kind of at a loss as to how to turn around how I feel about myself, which affects my moods, which affects our relationship. Its hard to constantly feel like an idiot, in many aspects, and to still believe that you would want or respect me. I do love you, but I'm not sure how you best feel loved by me and how I can show you that I do love you in a way that you will believe it. Now, I didn't want to write this type of message on your site, I wanted it to be all about our love and why I love you. That is why I haven't added any messages in the last few days; I wanted to post a "lovey dovey" one, but with how things have been, I didn't want you to read it and roll your eyes because you didn't believe me. But I figure communication is a big part of love, and the communication part of love is not always pretty and flowery, so, in the interest of open communication and honesty, I included this post as an attempt to explain what I'm feeling (which is hard to do, because I don't know what I'm feeling half the time). So, I'm sorry that this post wasn't an up beat one. I do love you and I am committed to creating an incredible life with you. We had a set back, but I would like to move forward and get back on the track we were on. I love you Bonita and want to be close to you. |
| 4-18-10 | There are two main reasons why I would try to see you naked or watch you change or try to see down your shirt or talk about doing any of the above, or complimenting you on any of the above if I did see it. The most obvious reason is because I wanted to. I think you look great, your boobs look amazing, your thighs drive me crazy, etc. But the main reason that I was so obvious about it was because, even though I knew you were modest and got embarrassed, I figured that internally you would take it as a compliment. "I'm not comfortable with myself, but at least my husband likes looking at me." I intentionally used it as a compliment. So many wives say, "he never looks at me anymore," or "he never touches me anymore." I was just afraid that I would condition myself not to look at you like that, or try to touch you like that, and you would have the same complaint of me some day. However, I don't want you to feel violated either by my voyeur attempts, so I will change my behavior now that I understand you view it in that way. I just wanted you to know that, while I want to look at you, it was not a completely selfish act; I would do it to "force" a compliment on you. (It made sense in my mind anyway) |
| 2-20-10 | (First of all, Happy 420! Thanks for reminding me. I would have made a 420 theme for your site had I remembered sooner.) I know its hard to believe I love you. I know my husbandry has been very poor in the history of our marriage (yes, I know I misused the term, although, it still makes sense). Anyway, I love you because you really do take care of me. You are always trying to make things easier for me. On the grand scheme of things, you have helped me succeed in the couple of areas that I actually have. Without you, I would have never even taken the chance on such grand ventures. I would have been too intimidated and apathetic. Your strong personality is something that drew me to you and I still feel there is a lot I can learn from you in this area. And, of course, I have to mention the kids. Although they are trying at times, they are two very beautiful/handsome, bright, and awesome kids. Thank you for them. But the problem with listing reasons for loving someone, is that it implies that if that person didn't do those things, or wasn't that way, the love would disappear. There ARE many reasons I love you, but basically, I have come to know you as my wife. You are one half of me and I wouldn't be who I am if I were to live without you. We have weathered the storm thus far; that gives me a lot of confidence in our relationship. All we have to do now is plug the holes, swab the deck, and not fall overboard. We're in this together and if we both hold on, I know this creaky boat will stay afloat. (Is that why they call it a relationSHIP?) |
| 5-5-10 | I just wanted to thank you for your support during the second part of GI and the first half of renal. I know I was very stressed out and not fun to be around. I know it is hard for you when I am like that and want you to know that I appreciate everything you did to help me study more and do as well as I did. Thank you for the encouragement. I love you. |
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