courtesy of White Sox Interactive

Wrigley Field's Dirty Secrets

by Vito Fungo

Blowing the lid on the Tribune Company's baseball myths!

Baseball fans throughout America love Wrigley Field.  Everyone has seen the picture postcards so neatly interwoven into the Tribune Company's daily telecast of the Flubs' latest misadventures.  The view of the skyline, the boats on Lake Michigan, the passing "el" trains, the fans on the roof tops, the guy inside the hand-operated scoreboard watching the game -- all summed up in one catchy phrase -- "beautiful Wrigley Field."

It's enough to give a Sox fan hives.

No question within the blinding spell of Cubs fandom lurks evil.  Everyone knows losing ain't cute, but try telling that to a Cubs fan.  Most Cubs fans are blithering idiots.  They know nothing of winning baseball, nor do they much care.  The game on the field rates no better than the #3 or #4 reason for attending games, and amongst the bleacherites, might not rank in the top-ten.  For them it's beer, broads, and sunshine -- in that order.

Still baseball fans from coast to coast see these pretty images beamed into their living rooms and buy into the myth about Wrigley Field and all its storied traditions with Chip Caray as the principal shill for the Tribune's baseball club division.

So it's with great pleasure we now pop Chip's bubble, trash the Tribune's temple, and proudly declare, "The emperor has no clothes!"  There are dirty secrets at the core of the Wrigley Myth.  Sox fans, lets gore this sacred cow and make ourselves some tasty Soxburgers!

Dirty Secret #1: Wrigley Field's Neighborhood has more crime than Comiskey's.

That's no typo -- it's the truth as reported in Chicago police crime statistics.  Since opening day, the area around Comiskey has reported just four serious crimes compared with twenty-five around Wrigley.  Only a rube would fail to understand how Wrigley's neighborhood encourages trouble.  In every direction surrounding the ballpark are an endless series of buildings and alleys for drunks and troublemakers to linger amongst and cause trouble with fans and pedestrians alike.  Meanwhile Comiskey's parking lots serve hardly more than their intended purpose:  providing safe convenient access to White Sox baseball.  Comiskey is dangerous?  Get a clue -- only a simpleton wouldn't know Wrigley is where the real danger lurks.

Dirty Secret #2: Wrigley's old traditions aren't so old.

Has any Wrigley tradition been copied more than the old hand-operated scoreboard or the outfield ivy?  Though most Cubs fans can tell you theirs is the oldest park in the National League, few if any admit the scoreboard and ivy are relatively new additions to Wrigley Field.  The current outfield seating was constructed in the 1940's, including the "old" scoreboard and original ivy.  Both of these were the ideas of Bill Veeck, future owner of the Cleveland Indians, St. Louis Browns, and most famously, the Chicago White Sox (twice).  He was smart enough to know his talent was hopelessly wasted in the Cubs front office and left to pursue bigger and better things.

Veeck went on to invent the exploding scoreboard, the picnic area, the bullpen bar, the outfield showerhead, and countless more innovations for Comiskey Park -- home of our Sox.  It was his idea too, back in the mid-1970's to give Harry Caray a microphone and lead the singing during the seventh inning stretch at Old Comiskey.

Now legions of blithering idiots wearing Cubs caps think it's their tradition.  Each day they stand and sing along with an endless stream of has-been "celebrities" (like the tired and overweight Tony Orlando) or mindless jocks (like the tired and mediocre Eddie Olcyk), making a macabre scene only the Tribune Company's accountants could love.  Have they no shame?

Dirty Secret #3: Those aren't homerun balls Cubs fans throw back.

Ha Ha!  People from Iowa can be so dumb.  They honestly think the wise guys sitting in Wrigley's outfield are throwing back homerun balls hit off Cubs pitching.  What these rubes (and ignorant fans around the country) don't realize is that Wrigley's bleacher bums bring extra balls to the ballpark to fool you.  They pocket the real ball and throw back one of their worthless ones.  If someone else catches the homerun baseball, they offer their worthless one in trade.  Finally, if some silly do-gooder catches the homerun ball (in Chicago politics they are known as "goo-goos" -- someone not on the take), they simply toss their own ball onto the field, giving every simpleton in America the illusion that the homerun ball was thrown back.

Come on America, don't be such fools!  This is Chicago!!!  If we can fix a courtroom (or a World Series), don't you think we can play a charade with a silly homerun ball?  Sheesh...

Dirty Secret #4: Cubs fans don't wash their hands -- for good reason.

The Tribune's WGN-TV loves to show beautiful half-dressed ladies amongst the crowd in Wrigley's bleachers.  What they hope no one knows about is the filthiness of the hands of the eligible guys sitting around them.  They're dirty for a good reason.  Restroom facilities at Wrigley are hopelessly crowded -- especially in the bleachers where the heaviest drinking occurs.  Rather than endure the pain of waiting in the endless lines at Wrigley's urine troughs, the men's restroom sinks provide quick relief.  The sensible Cubs fan knows not to use the sinks, but the ignorant ones do -- ick!  As for the ones who don't wash their hands, we know what their hands have been touching -- ick ick!!  

So stop and think next time the Tribune Company's TV cameras pander to your lustful heart.  Would you really want to meet a girl who willingly sits amongst (or worse, gets pawed by) such sloven pigs?  You degenerate you!

We at White Sox Interactive thought you should know.  Sox fans, our hands are clean!