I'm going to bed calm as hell tonight...Intellectual stimulation is a beautiful thing. Especially when it stems from a discussion between you and someone that you really look up to.

I think I got it.
Finally, I think I know what I plan on doing with myself. In the end, I want to be in Texas, at the University of Texas in Austin studying to become a professor of American Studies. I look forward to that day.

And now:
My decision:

I think I am going to stay in Albany for about three more years, four tops. When I have obtained my provisional certification in Albany, I think I am going to cut out and move to Texas. It's about the money ya'll.

I know it will work out.

So for now, the abbreviated version of what's going on in my life.

We'll see.

am rants
I stopped checking
cuz i stopped caring
and making sure that things were still the same
reminded me that things are still the same
and that I should have stopped checking
a long time before this time.

12:14am
Man, I'm tired but I'm wide awake. Damn I hate that. I travelled in from Massachusetts just a few hours ago and I actually didn't do much of anything. The damn microwave is officially broken, which means that I will be heating up my food the traditional way from now on. God knows I have no interest in doing such a thing. So maybe I'll just lose a whole set of weight.

I had a very pleasant conversation with Leticia a few hours ago. It was an AIM convo and those always call for humor on my part. Hey, do you find that when you are on AIM or any other chat forum, you find it easy to talk slick? I mean like even the most quiet and polite person in the world can get crazy when they are behind a computer screen.

That's always funny to me. But I guess that I too am like that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with talking slick, but when I get behind a computer screen

I don't know how to act.

See, this is called 12:20am ranting. I am on this thing, not making a damn bit of sense and I know that I need to take my ass to bed because if I don't, I will not be able to wake up when the morning comes...

I already know that tomorrow is going to be a groggy day for me. So don't step on my toes or else you'll have to deal with my attitude...

WHATEVER
I?m missing the Def Poets perform at the Apollo theater in NYC this evening. I am missing them because I am heading to Massachusetts to take care of some biz. I really wish I could have been in two places at once, but that is not yet possible. I am on the bus taking the scenic route to Massachusetts, having stopped at two foreign places. I think it?s off to Springfield next. All I want to do is get into Worcester.

So, of course, as would be my luck, we are now stopped in traffic that appears to be backed up for a mile at least. This blows. I?m on my laptop and I am listening to Coldplay, which is helping me get through the wait. The only thing that I could possibly think could happen sometime soon, is that my laptop battery dies. But then, I will just get on the phone and hope that it gets me through a few hours of talk time. I mean, that is if we aren?t delayed here for too long.

I think Carmel said that Andrew said that it is snowing hard in New York City. So maybe it is a good thing that I am not heading down there right now. Anyway, today I am feeling a lot better than I did last night. Yesterday was an all around blah day for me. I was in some kind of funk that I could not really shake. I think it all stemmed from my lack of sleep and also me dealing with the agitation that is being a woman?

Woooo hoooo. We are finally moving.

Yeah, so anyway, I guess I am dealing with the fact that I am moody. I hate moody people though. How ironic. There are a lot of things about me that are ironic though. I would rather not get into them though. But I do know that my sporadic mood changes occur far less than anyone that I know (and for some reason, most of the people that I know very well are extremely moody. My little sister included). What bothers me about people?s reactions to my moodiness is that I do not always believe that they are inquiring genuinely. Granted, there are one or two people who I do believe genuinely care, but for the most part, I think that people feel they are obligated to ask me what?s wrong. You know, like when you see someone crying and you ask them if everything is ok, though you could really care less. You kinda feel like ?Damn, I?m in the same room with her and she?s crying, so let me say something so I don?t look mean?. LOL. Don?t act like that never happened.

Actually, I am just an all around weird person, and that is truly it. I fall into moods that I don?t intend on being in. My moods usually trigger me to begin thinking about other things. All the while, I?m not depressed or anything. I?m just feeling, as I like to put it, ?some kinda way?. It?s nothing I can pinpoint, nor do I ever really wish to pinpoint, but I do know that I sometimes wish that I had someone there who could know exactly what to do when I am in that mood.

But um, WHATEVER?.

LOL, I think yesterday I was talking about how much I hate when people say that and I honestly do. I mean, I say it a lot and it is truly a negative thing. When I say WHATEVER, I am usually writing off the significance of something or someone in my life. When I am mad at someone and feel like they should not affect me the way they do, I say WHATEVER. When a situation does not go my way and I?m pissed about that, I say WHATEVER. And when I hear people say that, it makes me FURIOUS. LOL

When someone says it to me or about me, it makes me feel like they are saying it because they know that it makes me angry. Usually, I am filled with hateful things to say to that person, but lately I?ve been trying to see it as something that people just say to fill in the spaces of silence that I usually will maintain when I am trying my hardest not to say anything rude. I guess everyone has their thing that they do when they are upset?.

*OFF THE TOPIC*
the delay was because of an accident and I just want to say that I hope there were no fatalities. We just never know when something like an automobile accident will occur, and as we go from place to place in our vehicles or in other people?s vehicles, I think we need to take time to be thankful for life.

?ok, back to good. I promise from this day forward to make a conscious effort to not get like this when I am around people. And if I do, maybe I?ll just get up and leave. The only thing is that I don?t know if I always feel like explaining my actions, so perhaps I?ll do as I do at work, and smile despite the fact that I feel like crying?

With that, my laptop is saying that I have 48 minutes of juice remaining so I?m gonna stop and I?ll post this later when I actually can get online. For now, I?ll just listen to my cds.

yeah, you read this somewhere else
Look, this means so much to me that I decided to post it on both of my weblogs....


I read an article yesterday that perplexed me. It was in the University at Albany?s student paper, the ASP (Albany State Press if I am not mistaken). I was bothered with the article for a number of reasons, the least of which was the ignorance of some of those who contributed to the article. I mean, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I believe the opinions expressed by some of the students (specifically the freshman students) proved the juvenile state of mind that still exists in a first year college student that is making the transition into college.

Basically, EOP is in trouble. For those of you who do not know what EOP is, it is the Educational Opportunity Program. The intent of the program is to find students that possess the ability to succeed in an institution of Higher Learning, but that have not academically excelled to their greatest potential because of their economic situations. Academically, many EOP students do not meet the requirements necessary to be accepted into these institutions. So the program takes them and puts them through an intensive 4 to 6 week academically based summer program, in which they are able to learn how to go about making the transition into a world in which most of the people they come in contact with, will be living with the misconception that individuals from these disadvantaged communities are not capable of ?making the grade? if even given the chance. EOP students after the summer program are mainstreamed into the University?s society and despite the fact it may be impossible to distinguish them from ?traditional? students, support is available for them if they ever need it during their time at the institution. Many people believe that EOP students obtain their education absolutely free, quite often making ignorant comments that allude to the fact that they too need financial support in obtaining their education. However, being in EOP does not at all mean that students don?t pay for their education. I know this because I was given my opportunity to obtain my Bachelor?s Degree in English from the University at Albany, through EOP. And I am more than proud to say that I am the product of the Educational Opportunity Program.

So anyway, the Governor wants to get rid of the program. What?s new? In times of economic hardships for a nation, get rid of opportunities to educate those who are disadvantaged. I mean, we want to do away with welfare, but we also want to do away with education. What gives?

You see, the only people that are truly affected by these cuts, are those that are disadvantaged. In a nation, in which ?other? is the majority, why is it that the majority of individuals obtaining their education are White? I mean, why is there a minority of minorities obtaining an education. Sure, you are going to say that they have no interest in going to college. It?s simple to throw stones when you live in a brick house, so crack their glass house. What the hell does it matter? EOP does not just help Blacks and Hispanics, it helps Caucasians, Asians, Middle Eastern, and ANYONE that is in a position in which they cannot obtain higher education without extensive aid. I?m not talking about people who need a $5, ooo a year loan; I?m talking about people that need a $10,000 a year loan. So, when you compare your need to theirs then maybe your argument will change.

But, in moving on traditional students are complaining. Traditional students read ?white upper middle class? kids. And I hear them. You see, I agree with the fact that state schools should offer support to all students. I agree that college is not an experience that is new only to disadvantaged students. I think that there needs to be an expansion of that need. However, that is not the case. So instead of ignorantly blaming a system that has gone above and beyond to find ways to offer support for it?s students by creating grants and lobbying, not to mention reminding beneficiaries of EOP to contribute to a cause that helped them obtain their education, how bout those complaining be proactive and make it possible for their needs to be met as well. EOP is not a wasted cause and if it is lost, it will truly be detrimental to our society because once again, a hierarchy that has traditionally benefited those that are not in the ?other? category will prevail. And without education, there is little chance for upward mobility and without upward mobility, the Gramcian intellectuals will be waiting to scoop up the masses and there will be a ?REVOLUTION?.

So to the person who said that I don?t care about anything?
I am all about the education of MY people, a people that have been disadvantaged since the days when we were forced to come here against our will. I am all about the education of the youth that I teach everyday. I am all about obtaining education by any means necessary and most of all, I am all about seeing my brothers and sisters who grew up disadvantaged, as I did, being given the opportunity to prove to the world that if given the chance, we can show you how far ahead of this society we would be had it not been for the greed of our masters.

this is who i am
I guess I never realized how closed I get during the visitation period of my "little friend". I guess I kinda pull myself away from people and become very easily agitated and sort of aloof in my thoughts.

I am not in a bad mood. I'm just in a blah mood. Times like these make me think hard about the future and wish that it was here now. I mean, specifically, I think about coming home from work around the same time as my husband and being able to vent to him about how hard my day was and have him there to understand me.

I think about him going to extra mile to make me feel a little better. I think about him putting his arms around me and just holding me while I sleep and me waking up to him snoring softly and laying awkwardly because he didn't want to get comfortable because he thought I might wake up.

I think about all of this and then I think abou the fact that I am single. So is this all just some fantasy, or is it truly something the future will bring?

Right now, I'm just in one of those moods that "you" have to be able to figure out. It's not a crying out for attention mood. It's not a mad at the world mood. It's not even a don't talk to me don't touch me mood. It's just a "I can see that you just need to be held mood". I appreciate you despite the fact that you feel that those kids do not. It's an " I understand your pain and I'm gonna be here always" . I guess I just need that person in my life today. And guess what, my room bed is being occupied by just me at the moment.

But hey,

that's life...

And I am not an emotionally charged person, but maybe today I realized something and that just helped continue this kind of mood that I have been in all day....

Whatever...

damn, I hate when people say that...

it's like writing off your importance...

but...

WHATEVER

LAZINESS
Ya'll must be thinking...where the hell is the Goddess. LOL..Ok, so you werent't really thinking that, but it sure is good to dream. I've been around. I'm enjoying my life immensely. It's really going well.

I am in the process of putting money together in order to get my car this weekend. So, that's about all that is happening..

ignorance is bliss and games are fun

I'm a grown ass woman. Thankfully, a college graduate and living in my own place, but I can'tget away from ignorance. I guess I should wonder if it is inevitable as long as I am on a college campus.

So I'm here waiting on my sister to get back from a business meeting. Granted, we should have been gone from here since 5 o clock. Instead, I'm sitting in her bedroom waiting for her and competing with her room mate for sound. I could get stupid and blast blahzay, but I think I'll wait. Arghhhhhhhhh, how stupid people aggravate me.....

He who laughs last, laughs best!

Don't think I've forgotten about ya'll...

To the one or two people that frequent this page (ok, so there are more than one or two and you all are important too but damn, ya'll don't post), I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I sincerely appreciate you taking the trip with me.

And I just began working on a new, more mature weblog, but we can't turn our back on beginnings right? I am proud of what I have posted here. I think that this weblog has seen some profound times in my life.

But, I am not about to abandon this. I do think that now, this log will find a set of readers that won't really understand exactly what all of this means. It will be an audience that does not know what I went through and how I got to be who I am at this present moment.

Despite the fact that the people that will be checking me out will be "intruders" in a certain sense, they will be welcomed guests in my house.

I will continue to post here. I will continue to rant here. I need this space desperately. But I would like you guys to also check out what I'm working with over in typepad land.

Yeah, I'm paying...so, yeah, I will be putting hella thought into what it is that I will be saying. I don't like to be censored though, so I will be very leery of where I go with what I post and here, I will continue to be the same happy, angry, sad, emotional person that I am...

And with that, my picture that I drew of myself, my new airwick candle, my other candle that simone gave me that smells exactly the same as the airwick (holla), my Me'shell pic, my two notebooks, red and black, my subwoofers, my red blinking strobe light, and everything else, I'm gonna go on living.....

...and perhaps the future will be about me and you...