I was dizzy with thoughts of your body touching mine
Aroused by your lips planting passion on my neck,
My back arches with thoughts of your toungue parting my sea
of dreams
and memories...

I was mad with passion for you.
Longing to caress your body.
Strokes through hair
Emblazened by the freak you brought out in me.

I was interested in re-visiting the option.
Blinded by your current situation.
Craving to hear your voices hushed tones
as you whispered my name.

I was overtaken with a lust that remains unquenched
So strong that even memories seem too real.
...

MAKES ME WANNA HOLLER
We joke and we laugh
but I feel the end...
Done has been done
and sometimes been there done thats
make for not wanting to re-do's
if even for old time sake.

So this ole' soul
is gonna fall back
cuz what is
is as obvious as the fingers that type these words.
Coming off the bench
or injured reserve
makes for some long waiting
and momentary pleasure..

And no matter what your worth is
you never really get treated like
those that they respect...


I think I'm just feeling extremely sexually frustrated tonight. And I'm understanding one night stands a lot more than I once did (though I would never ever engage in such activity). Where do you go when your body is this weak? What exactly are you expected to do? Guys watch blue movies, but for me, watching that stuff just serves as a reminder to me that I am once again, not engaging in the act, and that I am just baring witness to it.

So, I'm wide awake falling into the hole of a subject that I want to avoid at all costs...I'm gonna take the low road to bed tonight..Perhaps I need to smoke an L and set my mind free, or drink myself into a stupor and just deal with the hangover tomorrow. Its better than going to sleep feeling like I do right now....

lol...

or is it?

PS...Did I mention that I am disgusted with myself? I see that certain feelings can rule who we are and make us do irrational things. Like the heart, there are other parts of our bodies that leave us feeling regretful...

SEE-SAW
I am feeling strong tonight. I don't know why, but I know that tonight I'm not really dwelling on the loneliness. I really wish that being away from everyone wasn't an issue, but it is. So I am moving on. Currently, i am thinking of ways to pre-occupy myself which do not include sitting at the computer. However, an important part of my life occurs here. I mean, I upkeep my weblogs and though I can do that at work, I like to post more personal topics, such as this one, at home. So, I may need to set a time, but then be gone after an hour or so.

My insurance went up because the rates in Massachusetts went up. I'm thinking that a $50 difference between two months, is quite disheartening. I should be hella depressed tonight, but I'm not. I am feeling quite okay. It's off to bed I go. I'm not sleepy, but I am. I usually get calls around this time anyhow, so maybe I'll entertain one of those or just fall asleep to some music.

PEACE OWT FOLK

Talk about running for your damn life.

LOL. I think I'm losing it. Everytime I talk about how I feel, I lose a little piece of me. Talking about relationships and being relationship-less makes me physically and emotionally drained. Crazy thing is, I think its so necessary.

The conversation that I had today made me begin to realize my actions in relationships and perhaps, to consider the reactions from the people I have been with to how I have treated them. I guess I was so busy thinking about how I felt and how I could preserve what I had, that I never thought about what they were feeling. I never said "I feel betrayed". They never said "I feel neglected." We just let the tension mount or I just dealt with the situation until I either ended it, or it ended itself.

Another thing that I have noticed is that my relationships tend to end with moving. How do I make that stop. I'm not interested in meeting a long list of men and hoping that if something doesn't work out with one person, I can call someone else to take their place. So, when I put myself into a relationship type situation, there is never a "fall back" person.

I never understood why people did that. But I understand now. In my longest lasting relationship, I moved and I ended it because of the distance. In the next, he moved. At first I didn't care, but then in my next relationship there was another move and I began to become emotionally wrecked because I realized that I couldn't deal with people coming in and out of my life. I need a constant. I need consitency. I need someone who realizes that though I may not publicize what we have, they are the only one that is captivating my heart and my mind. I need them to know that when I cant function, it's because my thoughts of them cloud my vision. I need them to know that when I am with them and I can't tell them what I am thinking, I'm thinking about them. That I'm appreciating them choosing me. But I guess you won't know if I don't tell you....huh?

I understand movement now. I understand the necessity to start again, to get past relationships far enough away that present relationships are not affected. I understand why I HAVE to leave. My head is clouded and it shouldn't be. I don't want to cut ties and I am quite capable of dealing with what will be, but in order for me to emotionally move on, I NEED to physically go.

Maybe I still feel betrayed. Maybe I still feel like the lab rat. Maybe I still feel like the free trial, the test drive. Maybe I don't want to feel like that anymore. Maybe I got a heart in the process. Maybe I shouldn't have. MAYBE. All everything is in my life right now is about MAYBEs. Maybe moving is the best option. Maybe finally sharing is helping me understand why I have made many of the decisions that I have in my life.

For the first time in my life, I am understanding all the scandalous shit that I once denounced. For the first time, I understand why guys sleep with their exs when they meet new women. Now I understand why females get numbers from other dudes when they know they are not at all single. Now I undertand why females go back to dirty dogs when they haven't found a replacement for them.

Maybe it's because, if they can't emotionally handle our baggage, maintaining a healthy amount of sex may help carry them over....lol

MAYBE I'VE LOST MY DAMN MIND.


MAYBE...

And the ambiguity continues
You know! Though this is a very public site, many people do not link to it. At first I was a little down about that, but now I appreciate it. The main reason for me being happy about it is because I can come here and kinda write my heart out without judgement. I mean, I can do that on my other weblog, but this is my real comfort zone. This is like the real journal.

I don't really intellectualize here. Here, I am a very emotional human being. This is where I deal with why I cry or why I laugh. This is where I talk about why I'm frustrated or even depressed.

Today, Shonteezy imed me and asked me why I am pleasntly frustrated. LOL..I only had that away message up for a few seconds. She said that she reads my away messages because she knows that they are personalized. I began to respond to her about something. We spoke on the topic for quite a while. I never told her why I am pleasantly (?) frustrated.

Life is a funny thing.
I think about all the things I said I wouldn't do or couldn't stand when I was young. It's funny how things change as we grow.
I remember reading about women that dated men that were married. They knew that the men had wives and maybe even kids, but they wanted (or felt that they needed) the companionship. I used to look at that as something despicable. Now I understand it. I may not agree with it, but I understand now.

How often can you remember saying "I'll never do that" and then ended up doing it sometime?

I'm guilty of that many times over. Its a hard thing for me to deal with that. It really is. But it seems as if humans are "Selfish" naturally. We do things to benefit ourselves. And it's like, we lose all sense of right and wrong.

I'm not pleasantly frustrated today. I'm just frustrated. I was telling Simone that I need to get out of Albany. That I don't see myself being in Albany and meeting anyone. The guys here and scares and scandalous. The guys everywhere are scarce and scandalous. But I may have to go before...

I was thinking about something. But it hit too close to home.

I'm going back to bed. It's 3:29pm

And then there was none
No feelings that is.
You used to cry about what I was doing to you but you never really knew what I cried about. I guess it was my fault for never telling you. But someone has to be strong, right?

You used to email me beautiful poems and even those conversations through IMs made me understand what passion is really about. You used to call me and we'd talk about everything and nothing and I'd come over and we'd "chill".

And now?
Now everything seems forced and the only thing that reminds me that there ever was an "anything" are the written words on email and on paper.

And I remember when you made me feel some kinda way and I imagine, I made you feel very much the same.

And you had a great deal of feelings for me.
And then, there was none.

I'm still in love with you
I still love you. I know I'm treating you like a stepchild. I told Judy that I was gonna come here and gaff wit all' ya.

Don't think that I have forgotten that you exist. This was the beginning of what is looking like a great future. This place still holds my pain.

You knew me when I was sleeping on couches and taking bus rides to the city to beg my mother to shelter me for some weekends before I went back, before I took the three hour journey to a place that showed more promise than the city I had just come from, yet could not provide me with gainful employment.

I haven't forgotten you. I haven't turned my back. You will always be, my first love.

You were with me with my journey through parted red seas and pink fields of dreams.

Through fantasies imagined and explored.

You were there...

I won't turn my back on you.

I'm still in love with you.

I'm going to bed calm as hell tonight...Intellectual stimulation is a beautiful thing. Especially when it stems from a discussion between you and someone that you really look up to.

I think I got it.
Finally, I think I know what I plan on doing with myself. In the end, I want to be in Texas, at the University of Texas in Austin studying to become a professor of American Studies. I look forward to that day.

And now:
My decision:

I think I am going to stay in Albany for about three more years, four tops. When I have obtained my provisional certification in Albany, I think I am going to cut out and move to Texas. It's about the money ya'll.

I know it will work out.

So for now, the abbreviated version of what's going on in my life.

We'll see.

am rants
I stopped checking
cuz i stopped caring
and making sure that things were still the same
reminded me that things are still the same
and that I should have stopped checking
a long time before this time.

12:14am
Man, I'm tired but I'm wide awake. Damn I hate that. I travelled in from Massachusetts just a few hours ago and I actually didn't do much of anything. The damn microwave is officially broken, which means that I will be heating up my food the traditional way from now on. God knows I have no interest in doing such a thing. So maybe I'll just lose a whole set of weight.

I had a very pleasant conversation with Leticia a few hours ago. It was an AIM convo and those always call for humor on my part. Hey, do you find that when you are on AIM or any other chat forum, you find it easy to talk slick? I mean like even the most quiet and polite person in the world can get crazy when they are behind a computer screen.

That's always funny to me. But I guess that I too am like that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with talking slick, but when I get behind a computer screen

I don't know how to act.

See, this is called 12:20am ranting. I am on this thing, not making a damn bit of sense and I know that I need to take my ass to bed because if I don't, I will not be able to wake up when the morning comes...

I already know that tomorrow is going to be a groggy day for me. So don't step on my toes or else you'll have to deal with my attitude...