Since Dinner Time
People Don't Just Stop and Stare When We Do the News

News that belongs in the past

New Energy Drink Affecting Performance in Youth Sports
By Grey Sports

The over burdened energy drink industry looks set to lose one of its newest members, and not because it was a flash in the pan.
Steroidade shunned the party drink/mixer angle and tried to promote itself as a sports drink with performance enhancing overtones.
In theory that’s all they were, overtones, just as fruit juices and their claim to contain fruit.
Then came the YouTube video of a man consuming four cans of Steroidade and then proceeding to leap a three story building in a single bound.
Since then a string of copycat incidents have occurred, with everyone trying to outdo the original.
What was not shown on that video was the landing, which resulted in, well, let’s just say the same man lost a foot and a half in height, and about the same in anatomical feet.
Cheap attention whoring aside, after all what else is the internet for, after this and the video of a soccer game on a lava flow after players skulled Steroidade mixed with Mountain Dew Code Red, the manufacturer has promised that all future production runs would contain warning labels about wearing footwear appropriate to the level of physical activity.
Recently a number of disturbing events in the world of children’s sports have been linked back to the consumption of Steroidade. That lava flow game involved players as young as nine for instance.
During an Ultimate Frisbee game a boy, aged twelve, threw a hole in one from the twenty yard line.
Steroidade promoters have repeatedly tried to point out that this was physically impossible, and while this is true it was a very slow news day and this was pushed up to the highest level threat to humanity since the molepeople-chicken incident.
The most serious indication that something is not right with Steroidade came when a seven year old girl in South Carolina injured herself through overexertion in a soccer game, suffering a twisted testicle.
Makers of Steroidade have said that pushing oneself in the field of athletics is perfectly normal and that injuries are a part of any game. As such they cannot be held accountable for what one little girl twists or untwists.
No that shouldn’t be physically possible either. Yes it happened.
Now officials are beginning to wonder if Steroidade is more than just a dumb marketing name.
Matters are not helped by the fact that the main plant for Steroidade is located in a part of Mexico where drugs are not so much illegal as they are frowned upon (accented with machetes) if you’re not showing brand loyalty to the local producer, an area where the cleanest water is cut from rocks, a location where one in ten forms of wildlife kill themselves because it’s easier than dealing with the other nine.
The manufacturer has repeatedly claimed that they would in no way be foolish enough to put drugs in their product, and have stated that there is as much cocaine in Steroidade as there is in Coca Cola, throwing the possibilities of investigation into disarray.

Previous News: Apple and Microsoft Giants Unite to form Doomsday Clock.

1031 B.C. - 2010 A.D., Really Pathetic, LLC.