later that night, a wierd homeless guy got into the house and was sitting there drinking a beer. he really freaked us out,

espescially when he was talking about his girlfriends vagina. we were glad to see him go when he finally did.

at some point i was really really drunk, and ryan took my hand and took me upstairs , threw me on the bed...and came after me with a lighter...trying to burn my pubic hair. i was too drunk to make him stop. it was so wierd.

so many experiences ..so much swirling around in the maelstrom of my life right now

today i went to the goodwill with James and Sebastian. Sebastian got a fluerescent orange womens jacket which is really ugly but somehow looks really good on him. he wanted to get a long bright red trenchcoat that was made of italian leather, it looked really hot on him but it was ridiculously expensive.

james got a really cute black dress shirt with frilly victorian trim and i got a pair of "womens" boots with 3" heels, which were only 3.10

i had a dream this morning that was so disturbing and so unsettling that when i finally broke free of its clutches i stayed up for hours watching my friends dreaming , making them charms, lighting incense, casting a preliminary spell of protection ,

it took a long time to break free from the vision of that dead mansion (and of the womyn trapped inside), an ugly kind of darkness filling its hallways like poisonous swamp water, like rotten chocolate

when i woke i discovered that some malicious spirit had caught me off guard, had paralyzed me so that i was totally helpless, unable to speak or even open my eyes. it was whispering to me.

when i broke free i decided that i would do everything i could to purify that house...

january 11

i woke up to my mom screaming at me to do get up and go do something which immediately pissed me off

im going to be living with her in a little apartment in orono with my sister and her screaming little baby daughter .

sometimes i dont know how i can stand living here. niether does brandon. sometimes i think i cant stand it a moment longer.

this morning my mom was freaking out because she was going to walk the dog and she couldnt find the leash, and she was screaming at me like id lost the leash

she never gets a chance to vent any of her anger at that motherfucker her Ex Husband at all since hes NOT HERE so it all gets dumped on me

ive decided something. ive decided to never apologize to her about anything ever again

because every time that i apologize for something i feel ive done wrong, she just ignores me, doesnt even acknowledge the fact that im sorry

the other day she bitched me out because i told my sister to "calm the fuck down" because she was freaking out over the computer.... and mom is bitching at me telling me to stop swearing, and i must have apologized to her 10 fucking times just thinking that maybe she would at least look at me and fucking say something, but she just ignored me and moped around.

january 11 3 AM 2005.

i dreamt of a woman. her face was so disfigured i couldnt look at her, it chilled me to look at her .

i dreamt of a bunch of little children sitting on the grass with my sister heather weaving things out of the grass bathed in sunlight. i stood by them but my heart was too heavy to join them.

january 1 2005.

the first that comes to mind... i was on my way to a costume shop. and i saw an old man. very old man, in a car which was running. there was a huge pile of money in his lap. he was asleep or dead or resting, his head on the steering wheel.

i went into the costume shop, looked around, looked for a restroom. left looking for a restroom in another building. i ended up in front of what seemed like a normal shop. the door was locked, the building was open, i pressed the buzzer and was allowed in. i found myself in a very snotty high end boutique. the manager (a snotty fashionable black man sitting behind the register eating lunch, the only person in the building) recited to me a canned line, something like "welcome to ____ boutique can i help you with anything." i said im not sure, im just browsing right now. with candy in one hand i looked through jackets, and was immediately told TO NOT TOUCH OR DO ANYTHING "i cant have you getting candy on things" so i responded with suprising politeness that i would throw away the candy and wash my hands. directed to the trash can, i threw away the offending candy. tried to wash my hands but i could not find the restroom, so i was kicked out, quite rudely. i responded curtly that if customers were treated in that fashion "youll go out of business"

purchased at the costume shop, a nice black top hat, some white grease paint, some crazy glittery red sunglasses, some very nice red lipstick.

later on that night i was invited to a party. i was given incomplete directions.

i was unable to find the party later that night, wandering around the Bloomington suburbs, a black and white grotesque whiteface in a black glittery tophat.

the show turned out to be a shitty, boring punk and emo show. however i enjoyed one of the bands quite a bit. i dont remember what theyre name is.

i made the guitar player a teddy bear (balloon animal), and i made the bass player a bunny. i didnt make the drummer a balloon animal because i never got around to it, and i didnt want to look for him in the enormous mass of pre-teens milling around

all around the show was dull and disapointing, but i had some fun and made a friend. Emily, shes a swanky punk girl, .....shes lots of fun. i hope that i will see her again. i need some girl friends. (you know the kind you go shopping with)

today i have been extremely lazy. it is literally almost 6 PM and i have been in my pajamas all day. i woke up at 1:30.

on the other hand, arabella is driving me insane, ...all that crying is giving me a headache.

im planning on going to an open mic poetry reading this coming wednesday. ill read some of my poems, some of my songs. i hope it will be fun.

december 30.

i got up, got dressed, went out into the downtown with my sister heather and my mother

went into the moonstone with my mother. she picked out something she liked. i looked for something for brandon. found a few things but nothing was good enough.

but no companionship available to me is grounding enough to save me from whatever is happening

december 27 2004

for xmas i recieved 250 dollars, 100 from my aunt and 150 from my generous mother.

ive told myself that i will save it as much as possible...i intend to be responsible with it.

but today as i was browsing through Cactus Flower i just couldnt help myself...so many irresistable things...

until now i havent really enjoyed bloomington at all. mostly ive been stuck in the house (heathers house, that is) with a screaming baby, my irritable sister aimee, and my irritable mother, with nothing to do, really. added to the stress of the holidays it was a pretty overwhelming depressing experience.

but i intend to spend more time outside now. i think that that will be good for me, even though theres not really anything to do but shop

im still really homesick, but i think that ive gotten to the point now where i can stand it.

christmas day. 2004.

a song that i wrote

i dont want no kentucky fried chicken womyn smilin round my learnin books. i dont want know pointybreasted kentuckygal stalkin around my brain. cause i aint got nothing to say. cause you got poofy hair and your smile is like tinsel hangin between your ornament earings. i aint your great great great great cousin in law , and i dont have any fuckin idea whats goin on. everybody is drunk, everybodys got poofy hair.

wizards and dragons gesticulating, masturbating, in every corner of your kentucky fried house///....and im not trying to be rude, but i want to go to sleep, and everyones trying to keep me here forever.

oh no you have unleashed a crazy ziggie on your top secret footpiano! (piano solo here) merry xmas nice scary kentucky lady!

clown accessories: squirting rose, balloons, facepaint, another nose, some puppets
music: nirvana, 'from the muddy banks'
from mom: 150 dollars and 5 tins of altoids
from heather: "the shadow of no towers" by art speigleman....and some other nice things

december 21.

december 16. 2004

this is the first finished industrial track. it still needs some work, but i figured that its good enough to be released for now

december 12

its a contrabass built out of megabytes and wires playing a waltz tempo with an industrial trance beat dancing with distorted piano noise

i can say with confidence that this is going to be one of my best solo recordings ever.

december 11, 2004

december 7

chained to the wall we watch the shadows

a punk scene is always the first thing that happens, its like the foundation for every other scene, because its more accessible then any other type of music

very often i pursue a gothic asthetic in the way i dress, the music i listen to, and i feel very strongly that its something coming from inside of me, not just some lame fashion i picked up on and pasted onto myself

Shep: " In my opinion, the last thing the goth scene needs is another whiney, Hot Topic consumer saying she's goth when, in actuality, she just has no friends and a weird penchant for Emily the Strange merchandise. These bitches don't know anything about the history of Goth, only the Post-Manson gothic revival (which, in my opinion was the worst thing to happen to Goth). They're Mall Goths and they make the rest of us look really fucking bad."

there was one time when i was putting on makeup, and it was like a way of expressing hatred, like i was putting on warpaint. that was when my dad left for good

i ended up cutting myself, there were slashes all over my chest like a circle of thorns. and i didnt take pictures of it and post it on vampire freaks so that people would say "o yew are so masochistic and kewl i wanna cut myself too"

and theres all these people who arent having that experience. because they dont want to. they want to live in the image of that experience

and those little babygothos, theyre not living in a real gothic asthetic. theyre living in the image of the image of the image of something real .

december 6.

it started when the realtor said that someone wanted to see the house on saturday morning...so we had to be out of the house and my room had to be clean. i stayed up too late and didnt make my room clean enough, so mom was angry about that....but she didnt say anything...and we were all really tense all morning.....

lots of snapping at each other and stuff. ..... and im sure you know that...what my mother thinks is a normal voice, sounds like shouting to me sometimes. so we finally get in the car....and shes telling me something about my seat and how i should press a button and move it back or something, and i got confused cause i didnt know why they wanted me to do that

i got really frustrated but i didnt say anything, and she says what whats wrong?! ..... and i say in the calmest voice i can that ''im just very tense because weve been yelling at each other all morning'

and that was when everything went to hell. she freaks out... like shes utterly insulted that i said that she had yelled at all, but of course thats not what it was about at all . her bitterness really scares me

she went on a long weeping rant about how the house would never sell and the roof would cave in and were totally screwed and we cant pay the bills and its all dads fault its all his fault.

i cant make her happy...and everything that i said just seemed to make her more bitter. i asked her if we could talk about it some other time, which make her furious. i said that i was sorry that i had said that she had yelled, she didnt care that i was sorry. she just kept on going.

and i tell her that its okay that she feels that way but could she please not take it out on me and she says something like 'well i try to hold it all in but i guess i should just hold everything in more'' which wasnt what i said at all, and she kept twisting around everything i said so no matter what i said i felt like i was attacking her somehow.

. there was a long long silence until she dropped me off and she said that she was sorry that she got angry and i said that it was fine and i went up to brandons room and slept for a long time.

10: 37

dec.2. 2004

noise is always useful for beating my brain into submission ...obsessive thoughts drown in the self imposed psychic tidal wave of noise

im supposed to be studying for a stupid keyboarding exam. i dont even know what to study.

i cant wait for classes to be over...i despise my sociology classmates more and more every day, but im never in the right mindset to know what to do.

often what happens is ill come in half awake, dressed strangely as always, and talk off topic about crazy shit like some crazy beatnik and people make fun of me, which is fine. i have a sense of humor.

for example ...this morning there was this lame excercise where we were supposed to say what we would write in a personals ad, and i couldnt think of anything so i said i was looking for a professional female wrestler who had a pet giraffe. it was just a bizzare joke, but people were really confused by it, and started to turn it into different things, like they thought i was seeking a giraffe, not a professional wrestler..and then someone said they would hook me up with micheal jackson, which was funny at first but they kept talking about it and it was kind of annoying.

problem is ...its mean enough that it bothers me, but its not mean enough for me to be offended by it. so when i hear people saying stuff i kind of just smile awkwardly and dont say anything . because im in this middle place where im laughing it off but im not really laughing, and im irritated but im not really angry.

and then the other day there was this incident were we were having a lame discussion about womens rights and perception of sexuality. and someone says '[if a woman dates a bunch of men shes a ho' but if a man dates a bunch of women hes a stud.]' so i tried to add some thought onto that that went something like "[thats probably because women are seen as receivers of sexual attention and objects of desire, and men are seen as the initiators of those things.]" i went on to explain that submissiveness is seen as weakness and submissiveness is attached to femininity.

"im talking about the same attention you guys were talking about. sexual attention..."

then some guy just completely dismisses my whole argument by saying that its too complicated and that i dont explain anything right and that no one is smart enough to understand.

i say that i try to explain things right but some issues are just plain complicated.

by then i was having thoughts about hitting my head on walls and killing myself because id been completely invalidated

his ex girlfriends mother put a restraining order on him, and he supposedly "violated" it because she was hanging around him all the time.

it really sucks...hes kind of given up on fighting it. i hope he doesnt get more than two weeks.

a got the stupid little thingie in the mail that says when my appointment is. its the day before i leave for indiana, on a friday. i really hope that i pass it, but i probably wont, i dont drive enough.

i hate driving, i dont ever want to own a car, but i have to get one,...the world just gets bigger and bigger or smaller and smaller perhaps depending on perception . either way theres no room in this Mall World for non-commuters.

i think im going to have a good day...im going to see some old friends and go to a really good show.

nov. 29 2004

im lying in bed, struggling with sleep paralysis ( a problem ive had since i was very young) and every time i close my eyes i see an image of an indistinct white figure moving in my room.

ever since last saturday ive developed this ability...to see things, when i close my eyes.

im lying in bed, and as i said i was struggling with sleep paralysis. its very hard to describe.

of all the clinical conditions that exist, sleep paralysis is easily the most spiritually mysterious. if i gave in to the paralysis, ...i would feel a warmth inside me, like a growing power, and the power just grew and grew, i think this has happened before. it was like an orb of energy that i could move through my body

when its voice came to me, i didnt hear it in my ears. it was almost telepathic, like i heard it inside of me. and when i heard it i was very afraid, but only because the whole experience was extremely intense.. a challenge in every way.

it was a male voice. very cold, mechanical in its tone, surrounded by background noise kind of like static, but different. i knew that it was the voice of the spirit that i had seen wandering into my room.

and i said something like a blessing, " i love you as well. i wish you peace." . and it said something else that i dont remember. and it was gone.

11/27 7 PM.

more things that i remember.

me and brandon on the couch, hes holding me, hes the only one in the world that understands whats happening. and when i close my eyes, i have a vision of us together, holding each other... our souls raw and naked, his burning like blood and flames ...and i am blue, im made of oxygen and light. and all around us...darkness.

further....

i had been wearing my boots that night. everyone loved them. and thats what i had wanted, right? admiration, sexual power, style, grace, glamour.

i was drunk...i wanted some cranberry juice in my glass of coco rum. i went up the steep stairs with brandon, mixed the drink, tried to go back down alone.

i was falling, falling down the stairs, my hands were empty, where is my drink? there it is, all over the floor, and im on the floor, i landed on my ass, and im laughing, laughing like a child, laughing at myself, laughing at the pain in my ass.

then i discovered that the heel in my right boot was damaged...it would need some very strong glue... and i wasnt laughing anymore.

at the time it didnt mean much to me...other than that a shitty thing had happened and that it sucked.

but later on i started to realize things,...my perspective was that everything happened for a reason...and that i had fallen down those stairs...so that i would realize something...

my glamourous thigh high boots...symbols of materialsm, ....towers of babel, brought down by the gods...wings of icarus scoffed at by the sun and the moon.

i asked my eternal mother if i had been punished for my materialism. and she said "no, child. the universe is teaching you a lesson."

november 27. 6:30

it was brandons birthday party at hannahs parents hous there was a hot tub with several naked people in it, all holding cans of miluakees best ice and everyone is kissing everyone

its very difficult to describe what happened that night. such depth and density to all experiences, intensity condensed into every second...its hard to know where to start.

the experience started with pain.

also some mild stimulants, an argument with a nihilist, and a long time spent crying alone .( jimi says "you tripped" but he just doesnt understand. i did smoke some marijuana. and i have hallucinated before. but never in my life has that drug given me experiences even a fraction as intense as this)

the panic attack i had created a psychic momentum that carried me through the atmosphere and very far away i was wandering through the house, the party was winding down, and i began to feel like this place was my world entirely, as if everything outside of it was just endless dead darkness. like being in a space station. and all the people around me, they were like shadows. they didnt even see me.

i was like a ghost.

i could walk into a room and behave bizzarely, looking gaunt and lifeless, crawling under the couch. and no one would even notice. they were all talking to each other about things sitting up watching The Holy Grail.

my appointment with power came too soon, as it did with brandon

as i said.... the house was like a space station, and all the people around were like shadows...like memories in human form passing me by.....all those people ...they were like unlit candles....only a few things had any light. my body is blue light. like the blue oxygen color in a flame, so i was naturally drawn to anything that had any light at all.

and i wanted to hide. i wanted to disappear.

i found myself opening doors, looking for a place, searching.

and then, a door.

stairs going down into sickly yellow light and cold

a basement.

and to my right, a stone archway, and through the archway, the blackest darkness.

i was like a spider in a sink, tumbling down towards the drain.

i turned away, because i was afraid. i went up, up, up. turned away from brandon. second floor. hid behind the couch.

the thing followed me. an enormous spirit, intangible ....like a cloud, but impossible to see. i had to fight it. i knew that my appointment with power had come.

when i encounter a hostile spirit, i ground and center, taking energy from the earth and sometimes from the air. thats what i did last night. and my body was all blue and green light... just radiating.

and then someone was shaking me.

sebastian was saying ziggie ziggie are you okay? he brought me into his world

. back into his world, this world,. the world i am in now .

its relatively safe here compared to were i was that night

. it was like he woke me up. but he didnt.

.i was aware of all

thoughts put up on display. entertainment of disarray.

january 16