december 15, 2003

this journal page is full up, overloaded. go to the new one.

november 29,2003, 12:15

last day of november, i guess.

i had a great weekend...

friday

went to a punk show in bangor...at the knights of columbus hall. it was just down the street from the police station, but fortunately not as close to it as i thought it would be ...

anarchists autonomous really sucked, though theyre really nice guys. they dont have a drummer, so they used a drum machine, which didnt work at all. their sound levels sucked. they gave me a free cd...but that also sucked.

i was pretty shy and unhappy most of the night...then claire got Slosh to dance with me, which was super fun and stuff.

the drunken degenerates showed up, and were flamboyantly wasted, as usual. Joe was in all in drag, and was so convincingly pretty that it took me a long long time to even recognize him.

they played three songs, which sounded okay...but then they started fucking up coz joe couldnt remember the lyrics, and Lint was too wasted to play guitar...

so eventually Lint is just in his underwear, and theyre playing a song...and Joe starts humping his leg

eventually the all-straight members of the Struggle (from Mass.), --who had a megaphone--started telling Lint to put his clothes back on. i dont know exactly what they said, but they must have said something...coz Lint was suddenly running up to them and flashing them in the middle of a song

yeah...D.D suck... though i think i actually like the sound of "foreign policy".

i interviewed the Jimmies. i didnt have enough time to think of good questions...so the interview looks kind of generic...but i guess that thats okay...

hopefully ill get it online today.

saturday

went to another show in brewer at jeffs catering. more metal, less punk, but the D.D played there too. there was once again some indecent exposure goin on...but that time Joe got kicked out for it........heh. those catering people dont mess around, man.

i think there was some great music; haloburn, east coast stomp, hollow image were all amazing...but the crowd was a lot preppier. (*makes a face*) part of the reason for it was probably because Children at Play was there....pop/punk emo shit. they were ok..but its not my kinda music.

after they were done playing....a ton of the preppy kids disappeared. i dont think they wanted to stick around to hear more death-metal....ya know they gots those delicate ears to take care of!

later into the show...erics band, My Wrists Open Wide rocked da place........but two songs before they were done,one of their amps overheated...and it really fucked them up. some of the kids didnt seem to understand that it wasnt their fault...which i thought wasnt cool ... anyway...they finished up with a deathmetal cover of "my sharona," which was fukin coool...annd...then they left...coz they couldnt get their shit to work.

bloodclot was up next, but i didnt stick around... coz i was goin to Dennys with eric and Morgan. i didnt have any money for food but i managed to mooch enough $$ and scrape together enough $$ to get a lemonade... and eric gave me his pancakes, which was nice, though i didnt like them very much. for some reason i slapped his face with a wet tomato; which was fun. he got me back though......

went over to Max'z and rock and rolled all night tho i didn get there till 12:00

played Half Life on his computer till 4 in the morning...which was fun and stuff.

the only thing that wasnt fun tho was that kendra wasnt really having fun by the time i got there...by then she had sorta crashed and was feelin kinda shitty...i wished that i coulda helped but there wasnt really anything i could do

max made another thanksgiving dinner that night...so i got a whole bowl of stuffing to eat while i was killing nonexistent aliens on dat little screen. it waz fun tho coz its all crazy and shit

i slept there and drove around with max and emily sunday morning....we went to millers department store, and first went into the toy section, where max attacked me with an enormous toy baseball bat. it actually hurt a lot, coz it wasnt as foamy and soft as it looked. i was kinda pissed off so i grabbed some sort of elastic plastic thingy of the shelf and swung it at his face

then we realized that there was some old lady over there giving us the stare of death, so we got kinda freaked out and walked away

then....we went to poppys...and max payed for me to get some of those little chicken tenders...and i got a day old donut, which are always free at poppys...

then...alice showed up..and it was her birfday..so i gave her a card. it was crappy but she liked it anyway.

we went over to her house and had some fun time...

her dad drove me home around 8...on the way telling me all about his theories about reality...which was pretty far out; kinda over my head. fascinating though

i guess that he was saying that there are all these frequencies and wavelengths in the universe that we cant tap into and that we cant reach...or somethin like that...and how jesus had all those powers just because he knew how to use certain wavelengths or something. that sounds bad, and thats not at all how he explained it..but thats all that i remember at the moment

o yeah..he was talking about structures....how the whole universe is made up of geometric structures...and how its hard to see that in society because weve tried to remove ourselves from that...but that you can see it in nature, but that you can still see it everything, except that its just hard to see sometimes

he was saying that inside of every person there is a very very basic structure that anything can attach to, and that thats how hypnosis works. its just that theres so much excess, so much inorganic shit crowded around the basic structure, that the wavelengths and frequencies of the universe cant attach to that basic structure

or something like that.

november 11,veterans day

im trying to write an article for the Looking Glass...on psychology stuff in general...drug companies...suicide...psychotherapy...healthcare.

but something is wrong...it feels like ...what ive created didnt really come from inside of me.

i read and reread it...and its just a mechanical series of statistics...with filler in between.

every time i try to add to it...or improve on it...progress moves along at a snails pace...because as cliched as this sounds...my heart isnt really in it.

its not that i dont care about the issue that im writing about.

its just that my mind is distracted...by other things. thats why im writing all this....im trying to start over...trying to dissect my inability to write...trying to reconstruct it as something better.

i sometimes wish that, like the great Hakim Bey, I could transcend statistics, but I havent been able to. The dilemma is that, as an amatuer journalist, i perpetually fear that if i dont do enough research...and use enough statistics...then i wont be taken seriously, and i wont be. but of course...if i worked for the New York Times, i could say whatever the hell i want and people would willingly swallow it. at times i ask myself if anyone will even ever read what ive written. is it even worth it?

i turn on the news. and i see the Rule of the Gun. the world is dying. all Gods children are destroying each other.

I cannot escape the feeling that, as cliched as it is, the end is coming. if not a nuclear holocaust, then an environmental apocalypse that would wipe out most of the human race.

that foreboding shadows everything that i do...like an out of tune piano playing a nocturne somewhere in the background..

its so violent...so grotesque..and so obvious..that not even CNN can ignore it.

read more

i just finally figured out that the reason that i could no longer add anything to this page...was because it was full. i guess that theres a limit to how much data one page can hold.

november 3? 2003. 5:30.

took the bus into bangor...now im in the public library. i looked all over downtown...attempting to find some leftover halloween junk. but unfortunately, it all seems to have been sold out over the weekend.

then again...if i had looked in Shaws...or some sort of department or grocery store...i probably would have found something...but its too late now.

i want to see the dropkick murphys in portland...but i dont know who i would get a ride with...

and im broke...

in other news, ...well then again, is there really any other news?

oh yeah.... now i remember. the new Maine Commons came out ...with my Animal Suit Driveby interview. horray!

two journal entries, written between october 2 and october 31.

friday. october 2. two thousand3 3;25.!?

two detentions.

ill miss the newspaper meeting on monday.

the hate is subsiding, now.

sometimes i get ....very angry...when people fuck with me...

i went to bapst for a year, so i should be used to it by now, but im not. i dont think i ever will be.

the great Gotthama Buddha.

it makes me... sad ....

that i will never live up to what he would ask of me.

monday. september fucking twen2y eight. two thousand3 11;09.!?

everything is excess.

we are all genderless, faceless, nameless entities of pure energy; trapped in these clumsy machines of tissue and blood.

all is illusion

time is an illusion from which the only escape is transcendence, but transcendence is elusive. death is an escape from time, but that escape is only temporary. you will be reincarnated into another body.

dont you ever feel like your body is a coffin shaped machine...and inside of the machine...there is a Spirit...trapped....but does it belong there?

so many levels of imprisonment, really.

the only thing thats pure is your spirit...but even then there is the taint of bad karma, if you believe in that.

even without your body...your spirit is still imprisoned within that ethical construct.

your Atman is trapped in your body. your Atman is imprisoned within the system of Karma. your Atman is imprisoned within the cycle of reincarnation. Your body and your mind are trapped within the system of mankind..within the stinking rotting scarred skin of world politics...the vile neon disease of cheap pornography, cigarette eyes on the tv, consumerist sermons like toy bullets through the heart of a black hole.

there is no explanation.

there will be no revolution.

there never was a revolution.

only illusion, excess, filth.

it is now 4:40 PM

a poem i wrote a while ago

ive suddenly realized that angelfire added another fucking ad onto all of their hostee's sites...me included. god..it looks so fucking stupid.

and its not like the other ads....you cant turn it into a popup..you cant do anything with it...it just sits there..stupid looking and out of place..you cant get rid of it....its like a television set in the middle of a forest...shining out really bad sitcoms.

but it doenst matter anyway...

alice suddenly told me that i should update this thing.

i was shocked by the realization that people actually read it

suddenly faced with the ironic paradox that....... the less i update it, the less people will look at it, and the less people look at it, the less i will update it

im just rambling..

i have to decide between orono high school and liberty school

i have to decide between logic and intuition/emotion

i have to decide between my friends and my education

god...high school sucks .

angelfire sucks, because it just deleted everything that i wrote.

im going to lose my mind.

but does that phrase really even mean anything? its so overused, abused, and hyped up. milked and stereotyped...its become a cliche. it has no effect on people.

i miss alice...a lot

(( a palestinian girl))

i am having a bad night.

had a bad day

im not sure that i want to go to Orono..but its too late to get into Bangor.

i am talking to alices dad.

Syrupnuts (6:23:29 PM): Well I think you are a great guy, and you should quit thinking otherwise. Otherwise, you will get eaten.

Syrupnuts (6:32:12 PM): You have an amazing ability to move your attention. But you take along a lot of old crap when you shift. Leave it behind, and avoid being available for someone elses meal. Didn't you ever think it was an asset?

moist the clown (6:33:39 PM): i dont understand how losing my grip on reality is an asset

Syrupnuts (6:34:59 PM): Because you aren't losing your grip on reality. You just don't know how to be sensitive for your own benefit

isnt it grotesquely ironic that all of my incredibly important philosophical life changing conversations are on AIM?

i think im going blind

eyes gathering september rust//god is in the dust//we are all trapped in mistrust//

i love the moon

i love to spoon//

i love to sing in june//

with a lune and a rune that i drew on the wall

i love this picture

im talking to alice. she was upset but shes okay now...

my sister is getting married in less than a week. things are getting really crazy around here...

my back is killing me...

i cant wait to practice again....me and kendra really need to get our songs together.

3:22 PM 2003 aug 3

july is over. i was supposed to make up my mind about what school i wanted to go to...last week. that week has passed and im still frustrated... i still cant get my shit together.

still no progress on the zine. i tried to update the zine website but freewebs decided to be a bitch that night...so it didnt work.

ive come to the uncomfortable conclusion...that if i dont make up my mind about school..then my mom will make the decision for me.

i have a suspicion...that everyone at orono is boring or preppy.

but of course..i cant prove that. but on the other hand..thats why anna left

----

another band practice yesterday....mostly it went okay. alice came over and sang some of her songs...but i felt bad coz it wasnt really working. i wanted to make it work.... but at this point she just doesnt seem to fit into the band very well

there are ways that i could get her in..but it would take some time to work it out...and i just dont know if theres enough time for that.

in strictly musical terms,...when i look at her..i see myself ... the way i was a year or two ago. i loved music...i loved writing it...but i felt like i would never get anything together.... every time i tried to make music with people..it fell apart..and it was really frustrating...

i wrote so many songs ...and then just threw them away....songs that i spent weeks writing...and then i just discarded them because i outgrew them..or they didnt work....and i struggled for years.....trying to not give up...

violen lessons...guitar lessons...piano lessons..saxaphone lessons.

but i only practiced the guitar.

im thinking of giving my acoustic to alice... i think she needs it more than me

more than anything i want her to keep expressing herself....

if she gives up on music..i want her to at least keep writing and painting....shes such an amazing artist

------

i hate sunday so much.

dry empty lifeless day...when everyone is obsessively neurotically fussing over housework and yardwork and nagging me to do this and do that

who gives a shit? whats the fucking point?

5:00 PM 2003 july 29

i cant believe july is almost over...

i feel odd....stable but strangely numb.

and really fucking bored...like the summer is slipping away too fast and i dont know what the hell to do .

i managed to get The Brides Of Jarvis booked into a show in september at a church in bangor...it should be fun....i hope it will be. //next practice is saturday//i hope i dont screw it up///

i miss alice. i want to see her every day.

i dont know what to say.

im trying to dye my hair purple but its really difficult.

in other news: i almost got in a ton of trouble coz i didnt get home till really late last night

all my thoughts are completely disconnected.

just random bursts of arbitrary irrelevant shit

and the dots cannot be connected

(( i sometimes feel i am being dissected

misdirected or rejected ))

this site is difficult to maintain...it takes so much time to do the simplest thing....and im always so short on time.....i have no concept or grasp of time...im always late for everything...i feel as if im slipping away from boundaries...from the walls of reality /// i have no emotional understanding of time

i dont know what im saying. i want to go to bangor high next year but mom wants me to go to orono and i dont know what to do

i feel like shit//////my back hurts ////im dirty.//..///im losing my mind//// oh i FORGOT!///this must be what all the hipsters call MOPING///oh sorry, i didnt mean to have emotions.////ill just staple a smile on my face now and be a good robot boy.//

what the fuck am i doing////theres something obscenely morbidly comically absurd about all this livejrounal bullshit

the band is hopeless because i sound like shit and im fucking lethargic and im i cant sing worth shit and all my fucking songs are bullshit

anna is pissed at me...maybe she hates me.///i dont know///i got the chance to explain myself by IM but then she instantly logged off/// i hate instant messangng everything is comically morbid and absurd and everyhitng is fucking insane and this paranoia is imploding the world

i am on this computer too often.

i was just looking thru my old journals; theyre really fucking depressing.

insane and raw...the pages torn by the intense pressure of the pen boring/burning through the pages like a bloody drill. rants and screaming and paranoid delusions.

half way thru the second journal it gets worse, because that was when alice broke up with me. i wrote this song "alice and the mad hatter" (but thats not the official title) with really fucked up lyrics like "youre the light in my eyes when i need to breathe//but the sky is gonna crush me coz my heart is a sieve//kiss away the wars just let me sleep//im bloody jigsaw pieces and im all in a heap//tried to crawl into your wounds but you stitched em up fast//just a teen machine thats broken and the good times are past// corporations gang rape mother earth//shell birth machine-flowers of endless worth".

now "The Brides of Jarvis" is finally coming together. kendra plays drums now, which is a much better arrangement; more solid than just guitar and bass. but on other hand i dont know what alice is going to do now, since she wanted to play drums and she cant play any instruments that i know of. maybe she can play a tamborine and sing...?

our first practice wasnt spectacular...but not bad for a first practice...we went thru "God Works At Best Buy"..."alice and the mad hatter" and some of "suburbia".....occasionally experimenting with 1-4-5 blues shit...trying to make up lyrics screamy noises ((but dont have the energy//dont have the insanity but i want to have something real))

its nice to not have a bassist, actually...because that way i can do whatever the hell i want on guitar without having to deconstruct it and explain it.

it is 12:19 and i feel that im on the brink of something beautiful; an explosion of creative insanity. me and kendra have a chemistry that is very good...i think we might get somewhere...even though im a shitty singer.

i shouldnt have looked at those old journals..\...they fuck with my head. they resurrect a love in me that i violently hacked stabbed and poisoned to death so that it wouldnt destroy me. a love cancer destroyed with chemo-therapeutic masochism; damaging myself to stay afloat because the boat is sinking///