Wow, sweet graphics

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That's right, the PC finally becomes home to the game that asks the question … oh, it doesn't ask a question. Hm, wonder how that typo got past all the people at ABC and Disney? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is the latest in Jellyvision's new game-o-matic line -- take aging technology and a one-trick premise, staple to a semipopular franchise, package and sell. In the dubious wake of Austin Powers: Operation Trivia, TV's most inexplicable hit predictably lands on the PC. But where Jellyvision has made a name for itself with fast multiplayer action and party fun, Millionaire has neither, and really only serves as a reminder why Regis Philbin should be taken off the air forever.

Millionaire claims to be a multiplayer game --"up to 10 players on one keyboard," according to the promo copy -- which is about this close (picture my finger and thumb being held really, really close together) to false advertising. As the game begins, up to 10 people can huddle around a keyboard, and the first one to buzz in with the correct arrangement of four words (Marx brothers in order of age, or movie ratings in order of restriction) is the winning contestant. Then the lucky winner plays a one-player game. Yep, that's it.

Once the actual game gets underway, it's a generic trivia game. There's only one graphic, a picture of two empty chairs with TV screens in front of them. No Regis, no "virtual contestant" bodies to choose from, nothing. Like the show, you proceed through 15 multiple-choice questions, winning more money along the way until you reach the elusive $1,000,000 question. There are two "safe haven" points at $1,000 and $32,000, after which even if you get the answer wrong, you still take home that much dough. With every question, you can decide to go for it or take what you've won and retire … but there's absolutely no point. Since the money is completely meaningless, there's no reason not to go for it every time. Money doesn't accumulate, so you can't even play a five-game series against a friend and see who comes out on top, which would at least involve some strategy. Well, I guess if you have a notepad handy and want to add it up yourself you can, but then you may as well play a real board game -- they're a lot more fun.

Of course, on your road to a million bucks you have three lifelines: Ask the Audience, Phone a Friend and 50/50. If you're stumped, you can Ask the Audience (in this case the results of a 50-person on-line poll) and see the percentage breakdown. I like the fact that it's based on a real poll and not just fudged by Jellyvision, and the audience is predictably unreliable. If it's a tough question, everyone seems to pick the most obvious answer, which isn't always right. Phone a Friend is perhaps the lamest option -- Regis calls one of his "close personal friends" like Charlie the butcher and his mechanic Johnny and asks them the question -- or rather, says he's going to and then doesn't. You see, Regis doesn't read any of the questions or answers, just refers to them by letter, making the experience that much more synthetic. In ridiculously long "phone conversations," Regis's lines are spliced together to make it sound … sort of … like a conversation; unless Reeg really does say "Stop it, you're making me hungry!" every time he makes a call. The phone tips are sometimes right, sometimes wrong, so you never know what you're getting, except 45 seconds of bad dialogue. The most useful Lifeline is 50/50, which removes two incorrect answers. You only get to use them once, so choose wisely … if you can dredge up the energy to care, that is.

The questions themselves are much the same as the show's -- some ridiculously easy, some annoyingly abstruse, some about Party of Five and some about Roman history. I did find out that Kathie Lee was in a 1978 sitcom called Hee-Haw Honeys, so maybe you really do learn something every day.

If you do make it to the big jackpot, which can actually be quite difficult, be prepared for a big bunch of nuthin'. The empty set that's been your only eye candy will be showered with confetti, then you're treated to about three seconds of Philbin doing what he does best -- being a big jackass. A quick shot of a cheesy check made out to your player name (have some fun and call yourself "Regis Fill-butt" -- it's the only laugh you'll get), and then that's it, time to start all over again.

Yes, the game does use Regis Philbin's voice and likeness. Reeg was probably in the Jellyvision offices for about 20 minutes, just enough time to film a two-second intro and "victory movie" and lay down a few dozen generic phrases. Unlike other Jellyvision trivia games, the host doesn't read out the questions or answers, just sets them up in vague terms that can be used every time. "So you're going with A." "Are you sure you want to pick B?" "Thirty-two hundred is yours! Nice work!" And, of course, "Is that your final answer?"

There's no denying that Millionaire is a faithful conversion of the television show, but it just doesn't translate well, and the people at Jellyvision should have thought about that before cranking out another feeble trivia game. I still don't understand why people watch this show, and I don't know why they'd play the game. But America's proven me wrong with their love for this drivel, so hey! Maybe the game'll be a rocket, too! Something needs to knock Pokémon out of the top slot, may as well be this!

Question: Why did Jellyvision and Disney release this coaster?

A. Holiday season shelf space
B. Rapid expiration of the show's shelf life
C. Cynical abuse of the public for easy money
D. All of the above

So, you're going with D? Is that your final answer?

Game Quick Look overall score: 3  Graphics  Sound  Replayability  Interface  GamePlay  Multiplayer