Well....I'm back at school

Friday the 13th.. anda full moon.. wow...
I'm back. I'm one of the first people on out floor to get back... The guy that lives next door was talking quite loudly on his phone, and I overheard him telling whoever was on the other line that he was the only one here on the hall... Little doeshe know...
So on my MySpace, I get this comment, someone that I've been, well talking on and on about, well he remarks that I took him off my top 8... I've never been on his top 8, so I don't know why he's causing a stink..
And I'm not talking to Kevin. He lied to me BIG time. And I'm sick of his shit.

Last Day!
Aww man I'm freezing!
Going up to the Fort manana with the Kevinator. It'll be hella fun...
I'm gonna pursue those guys I am totally attracted to at school. With no weight on my conscience at all. Perhaps I'll getwitht this guy I met at a party, we chat often, and I'm pretty sure he's like, so totally into me... cha-yeah!
I love the fact that ay college there isn't any of that immature high school crap. I don't have to deal wth all of that little kid stuff... It's just a group of people, a community, if you will, striving to get an education so they can have a nice job... People who all care about their future. And for me, personally, my future so far doesn't nessisarily include a husband. I mean being tied to one person forever? How can you promise forever to a person when most of the time a month is a streatch? We can't. So let's not.

I'm home
Mood:  blue
So I've been driving all day. Just got home this evening...
Kevin is heartbroken again. And I'm well, I'm just messed up. And no one really wants to get with a messed up person... I guess I really fucked things over with David... I didn't get with him last week like I said I would.. so he's not calling or texting anymore.... thank goodness.. Brian had moved to central Texas, so I didn't get to see him either... So this trip to Texas did nothing for my nonexistent love life...
And at every opportunity to wish for something, I wished for him, or thought of him... I don't know why... It's obviouse that he's not interested and is tired of me and my wierdness... Unusually Unusual is actually annoying, I guess...

well....
I really just want to slit my wrists right now... It proabaly doesn't help that I'm reading Prozac Nation, which always manages to get me a little more depressed than I usually am. It hurts, this feeling of no one really wanting you... No guy wants me, my parents are sick of me, really, no one is looking forward to seeing me back at school.
I am unwanted.
I hate being so angsty. I really hate most of myself... I don't hate that I'm one of a kind, but I do hate that I'm such a freak that everyone is intimidated by me.
why do people tell me I'm beautiful, but obviously I'm not beautiful enough to get a date, or pretty enough to be persuded by a guy. I'm still single. Really, I've never been in a real relationship. I doubt I wil for a long time. I'm just still waiting. Oh, there's another thing I hate: the fact that I'm always waiting for my life to change. Because I don't know what to do to change my life. No one has evr bothered to tell methat secret to changing my life so it's something I like.
So for now, I guess I'm just going to wait for my future to show up and life will be good....
But yeah, I still hate myself...
Ya'll can leave comments, ya know... please do.. especially if you're pirating my opinions.

Happy Sunday
So.. ah yeah...
I have nothing witty to say tonight.. I just thought I would leave something new for those of you who cling on to my every written word. I'm almost done with my jeans and t-shirts quilt.. It's b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
And I just saw this lady get wedged between two cars on tv... Ya know that happened in the Springs last year, my dad worked with the father of the girl that was behind the car that ended up killing that guy. Big drama...
Well I guess I should call Kevin back... Although right now I feel slightly queasy from these meds I'm talking for my whiplash...
Goodness, how boring am I?
Take a listen to this...
My theme song today

Texas, sweet Texas
So I hung out with the girl that will probably end up being my sister-in-law, Meagan... Weto is so crazy over her.. She is such an awesome funky chick, I'll forgive her for being sucked into the emo fad, but that will pass...
Kevin got some action agian today at the Q. I'm glad for him, he needs someone to care about, and I've had a good feeling about the guy, Charlie... Good dreams.
And of course, that certain person in my life that is always causing me some flavor of anguish started to talk to me again. I gues I tried to get a little revengeful over my wounded love life. I think he got the bite.

A mid-travel break
So we are driving, the we being my mom and I, to El Paso. Doing some Mary Kay junk... bleh...
I've been thinking, About love, about suicide, about death, and also about the other people in my life... Right now, at least I don't consider suicide as an option. Life might suck now, but I have such a great life ahead of me. I may not be atractive to anybody now, but someday. Maybe, just maybe someone will learn to love me.
But untill then, I guess I'll just depend on my best friends and my poetry to get me through...

Life is still sucking
Ya know someone is said "to be my world"? Well, I don't think I am really anybody's world... Maybe Kevin, but besides my best friend, nobody would really, I don't know, die if I killed myself. Everyone else in this gallaxy would get over me killing myself. I used to think that there was a guy that I was his world... but obviously not, since he has a girlfriend. And I'm happy for him. (ok no. I wish that girl would loose all of her hair and grow an extra set of teeth and that some very heartless scientist would take her away to Siberia to do investigations on as to why she has an extra set of teeth like sharks do and accedentally spill acid on her face so she was horribly disfigured to the point that she couldn't speak clearly and became so depressed with herself that she fed herself to the sharks at sea world for a quite ironical suicide and he would come to me with perfuse apologies and kisses and a wedding ring which I would refuse the first ten proposals and then say 'yes' because I have loved him since the day I met him.) He can date whoeverhe want because I don't own him...
But it would be nice if he still talked to me... even though I told him not to talk to me pretty much. But what I was actually saying was 'still talk to me, just don't drop the L word to two girls in the same day'.
So yeah, no one thinks I am their world, I am jelouse of those who do have someone they think is their world, or is someone's world..
Oh and by the way, my last snowboarding trip I had hit my head pretty good, bit my tongue, "bounced down the mountain"(as Erin put it) a couple times. Well all that had hurt my neck, I was sore at first, and then my neck was just bugging me... So I went to the doctor today. He concluded I had whiplash... and his technical definition for whiplash was "my neck hurts and no one knows why"... I guess it takes for-fucking-ever to heal... so GREAT!
At least I have an interesting story to tell when I get back... besides the one about me killing my fish..

It Hurts
Topic: melancholy
Ya know what hurts more than anything else in the world? When you tell someone you care about to stop loving you anymore and they actually do...

I've gone Shamelessly Current
Mood:  not sure
Ok, so yes, I have indeed sold out and have decided to move my journal to a blogspace. I don't know how it's going to work out, I may hate it, but I thought I'd give it a try anyways...
Jeez, It seems like I'm doomed to be single for the rest of my miserable life. I'm always managing to fall for the guys that don't want me. I guess I could give David a try, but he does nothing for me... No spark, no smile... not even a sense of humor! But he likes me... I suppose I should settle for what I can get, and not pine after who I can't have.
In other news...
I'm making a quilt out of my old jeans and t-shirts.. It's fun, but totally insane, too... I think it's driving my mom to the looney bin.. But it will keep me warm on those cold nights when I, of course, will have no one to keep me warm




Light my candle, the Rent song I've had stuck on replay all day