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The Blog of 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006

Why did he do that? I've already been hurting so much, and he send's that damn message. "I would so totally let you take advantage of me right now". It's somethin I sent him last year when I was piss drunk.. To me, it seems like a reaching out. A way for him to say he's not ready to loose me. To Kevin, it's fucked up. It's just him refusing to let me heal. He doesn't want to love me, but he doesn't want to lose me.
It hurts. But then again, in some sick way I like that he sent it, I reel in the fact that he isn't indifferent anymore. That it's something instead of absolutly nothing... I just wish he would call. THat we could talk about all this.... But I'm sure that message was just a fluke.

Posted by Zia at 11:12 PM MST
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Friday, December 29, 2006

OK. So it snowed. And it snowed, and gues what? IT'S STILL SNOWING! I don't know who thougth this would be a good joke or whatever, but enough is enough. I I could kick the weather's ass, there would be a showdown betwen me and this storm system hovering over Colorado and my plans. So far this storm has ruined countless movie plans, hair apointments, and my snowboarding trip! I'm sick, just SICK of being in this house. It's so bad that last nigh I almost decked the sink because the water scortched mt fingers. I's having day dreams of sugar plaums and ways to kill the family. I really just want to make a hand out of snow giving the bird.
And CSU has closed for like three days this break. They Never close. Just my luck I'm not there to enjoy it. I wish Erin Kevin and I could get stuck in a hotel somewhere... or I could get snowed in at a friend's house. Or that some of my friend and I could play in the snow for a bit. I think the point I"m trying to get to is that I want to spend a long chunk of time with people other than my family. And no, I don't want to go to Texas!

Posted by Zia at 11:54 PM MST
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Sometimes i don't even want to live anymore. This heartache is like a creature growin inside if me. And there's noone to save me. Those who do see it are damaged too, and can't help me fight it, and everyone else... they don't even know there's a problem.

Posted by Zia at 10:38 PM MST
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Saturday, December 23, 2006

round two...
my computer decided to erase the page I had just written.
So I've been thinking about what I hae lost this year.. I had someone that I really cared about, and it wasn't that I stopped caring, but I have a feeling that he did, and I don't want to poke around where I'm not welcome. I get this great wave of indifference, and it's such a let down. It hurts, because it's really my fault. I messed up this great thing, and even though I tried and tried to fix it, he's gone. It's over. And I can't say that it's ok, that I'll live and move on, becuase it's not ok. It's neve ok to leave such an emotional wound festering inside someone else. I ahve this broken place in my heart. I wish I had just trusted him, and not that stupid girl trying to relive Tiffany and I's glory days by stealing peices of who we are.
I know I put a lot of pressure on him. I was in love, I think. I was a stupid girl, blinded by my stupidity. I know better than to let down my gaurd, to let some one in. To believe in "love". I was such a fool, and as punishment, I got hurt, big time.
Joe tried to get inside, to let me love him, but know better. ALL relationships end. You break up, or you get married and get divirced, or one of you dies. Nothing lasts. So it's better to just never get involved to begin with. Then you don't get hurt.

Posted by Zia at 10:52 PM MST
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Friday, December 22, 2006

Grandparents are here. Oy!

Posted by Zia at 10:19 PM MST
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Thursday, December 21, 2006

I've been doing this for years. Writing here, confessing my deepest, darkest secrets. Nothing really has come of this, except perhaps my own way of coping with the shitty. There's this sense that I can say whatever I want, because no reads this anyways. But it seems like someone has been pursing the site lately.. 19 page visits according to angelfire. Who are you, that's checking me out, getting to know me and so on? I have a myspace, you know.. You could talk to me. I don't know if maybe the person that's reading this is hurting, like I do. I know how much that sucks. Great, now I sound like an outreach program. I'm not. I would love to make friends, but I can't fix anything, I'm broken too. Man I want to go snowboarding! I finally have a board, and I havn't been! ug.... I'm waiting for the water heater to kick in so I can take a bath. I miss that aspect of living in the dorms, there is always hot water, except when the water main breaks.. and then it's just funny.
I am spending way too much time with my parents, I've decided.
It's so fricken cold here. And I haven't even seen Kevin or Erin yet, which bums me out man. I blame the weather... and Kevin ass hole tendacies. the more I think about it... I don't think we would do well in a marraige... because he drives me up the wall sometimes. I mean sometimes, he just doesn't know when to behave, and I'm too anal to live with someone like that.
wll fuck. Ithink there's a bath in my future... and then a good book in the ice cave.
Bye for now.

Posted by Zia at 6:24 PM MST
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

man.. I'm tired...
Hanging out with my mother and arguing with Kevin via text messaging is exausting.

Posted by Zia at 11:38 PM MST
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Monday, December 18, 2006

Well, I'm home. Which is good. There seems to be something about home that shooes away that big seeping depression that follows me around at school. Perhaps it's a kind of homesickness, but I don't miss home at all, moreover, I enjoy going home because all of my monsters have to wait at the door for me. I still feel all of those problems, the big looming impending crash in my delicate little world, in the back of my sind, but they just stay that, in the back of my mind.
I'm reading this book, and the writer is discussing how writers and readers read/write to fight off their loneliness. Which makes sense. When you're writing, you're interacting with the character you'r reading about or creating in a story. So iot makes me feel a little less strange, knowing that most of the writers I know go through the same thing, but it still sucks to feel so isolated.

Posted by Zia at 12:17 AM MST
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Thursday, December 14, 2006

So yeah. The roommate hasn't moved out yet, which sucks, becuase since I'm responi=sible for getting the room back inot shape for the next person to live there, I can't really leave until she moves her shit out. She said she was going to do it yesterday, and well, that didn't happen. so now It's crunch time, and I thought about leaving today, but Ash, that stupid, stupid girl, hasn't even started to think about packign up her shit. Dammit! I am ready to go HOME! Yes, I am ready to go back to living with my parents and curfews and callogn when I'm on my way home and arguing with my bull headed mother. (that's a joke, you see-- we're both Taruses. Born three four days and thirty years apart)

Posted by Zia at 12:15 PM MST
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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

you know what I would like in a guy? someone that could tell me where my freckles are without looking at me. Someone that's that interested in me, ya know? I want someone that doesn't want sex, but still loves my body. I don't know... I don't want a guy really. I'm so messed up right now, Idon't think a relationship with me in it would be any flavor of healthy at all. I think something like that would be a disaster from the get go. It would be me pushing away and running and hiding from what I need to deal with.
If I had a depression before, this is so much worse. if that was depression, then what is this?

Posted by Zia at 1:12 PM MST
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