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I Don't Know Nothin' About Birthin' No Guitars
By Allycen Farnsworth

Photography: Allycen
   Graphics: Rachael

I couldn't believe it - the moment had finally arrived.  Helga, EFX
mid-wife extraordinaire (okay, EFX Merchandise Counter Representative if you are going to get all technical on me), kept telling me to remember to
breathe.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Hee hee hee.  Haw haw haw.  Ho ho ho (and Merry Rickmas).   Long slow breaths.  Short little breaths.  Any breath at all.  I also could swear I was experiencing labor pains that felt a lot like menstrual cramps (where's the prescription Aleve and Depends when you need them most?).   I could tell my water was about to break at any moment, too.  My bladder was very full and pressing against everything internal.  Thank heavens there was no lactating going on.  (Don't want to be size36D-can-these-be-any-longer until I am MUCH older.)  Still, I knew - it was TIME!

My LaRick delivery "coaches", Rachael and Kate, were with me every
second of the way.  From the time I rationalized going through with this, to when it was too late and it was about to happen regardless, Rachael and Kate were providing me with encouragement and much needed wisdom.  This was almost as exciting as when my other babies came into my life -Jazz and Jemini, my precious cockatoos.  This one was gonna be just as special, I knew it.  Even if I didn't have a clue as to what was involved in the delivery itself.  But I was about to find out!

After nearly nine long months, what I had so longed for was about to
be delivered.  Hopefully it would be healthy and have all it's assorted
parts.  That's all any good mother wants for her "child."  To be healthy,
happy, and loved just the way it is.  And I had my vehicle to drive the new
"baby" home safe and sound.  This was THE perfect time to deliver, no doubt about it.  So the labor of love was induced, and I became the proud mama of a PERFECT and bouncing..........("pregnant" pause here, get it?).....white, black, and gold Official Rick Springfield guitar.  The "father" was rumored to be non other than Rick Springfield himself, and from the "birth" (err Authenticity) Certificate accompanying said guitar baby and stating this was a true Rick Springfield artifact, this could very possibly be true.  All I will say on this subject, is the cost of delivery was a steep $500.00 RICKaroos.  Too bad my insurance didn't cover it (someone needs to look into Rick insurance instead of health insurance for me as I'd probably use the former more than the latter).  But the rewards are only just beginning, as I get to play with it, cuddle it gently, and stroke that wood every day if I so desire.  It has already brought such joy into my life.  And it's not even out of it's cradle yet!

Thankfully, the delivery was painless and not too much medication
was required.  A little Dr. Pepper, which may have contributed to the full
bladder previously mentioned, and I hardly felt a thing, so elated was I.
As the labor pains (mostly due to the trepidation of putting this large
amount on my credit card) subsided and anxiety (post-partum depression
perhaps?) set in, the meeting with rumored Guitar God daddio was about ready to commence.  How would it be since we last met?  Would he be okay with all that had transpired since I last talked to him months ago?  Would he even remember me at all?  Would he tell me I looked fat?   Even guitar deliverance can take it's toll on a woman's body, ya know!   Would he turn and run the other way at the responsibility of it all?  He was, after all, about to place HIS personalization on my baby and thus claim it as his, and that is a HUGE responsibility not all celebrities can handle.  Yet, as we know, Rick is not just any celebrity.  I needn't have worried about a thing.  He was the consummate proud and beaming master of his guitar domain.  I think he was rather pleased with his accomplishment (as he should be since it is awesome), if I do so say myself. Which I just did.

The moment of truth was here - Rick's assistant first walked in the
room, and in the guitar "cradle" wrote down in black Sharpie (natch), what I wanted the guitar baby to say when Rick personalized it. Since I KNOW Rick wrote the song Alyson specifically for me (hey, this is my story so I can daydream all I want to, and of course Rick spelt my name incorrectly in the song to protect my innocence), I asked that Rick write the first words from my favorite song, "Talk About Life Imitating Art."  I just somehow felt those words were very appropriate for my baby to have as its first ones. She said he would be glad to write those (truthfully, I thought albeit briefly, of the other words in that song, "I could feel my body crushing yours" but luckily THAT thought left my crazy blonde head rather quickly).  While Kate, Rachael, and I are waiting for the daddio to appear in the flesh, we decided to turn our backs to Rick when he walks in, kind of like he does when he begins his live concerts.  Then he could guess which of the three of us was the new  "mother."

Rick as daddio finally walks in, and finds us with our backs turned,
and his assistant says jokingly, "Rick, here's some new fans you've never
met before."  What a comedienne she is!  I have only really met Rick on a
very few occasions, and Kate lives in Vegas and should be a member of the Rick Crown Club for being a frequent EFXer and has been fortunate to get many first-timers back to meet Rick.  That's what it's all about anyway,
giving everyone a chance to meet this wonderful human being.   It's not HER fault she is asked by all these first-timers to accompany them.  LOL. Rick loves her as do Rachael and I, too!  Besides, she takes great video!

I think I said, "Can you guess which one of us bought the guitar?"
I felt a little uneasy with that line, so I kind of sauntered over to where
he was and proceeded to tell him I bought the guitar so I could use it as my Halloween costume where I was going to be IGE Guitar Girl for my costume, which is a dream of mine.  I think I got a chuckle or two out of him.  Hey, it's the truth!  I figured I'd put a cut-out of his head above mine, then there would be me, then the guitar.  Easy costume to do, would give Rick much needed recognition at the government complex where I work, and just be a riot to wear.  Now I am just not so sure that Halloween will be far enough away to take my "baby" out in the world.  We will have to wait and see. Gosh, I am already an overprotective mama, aren't I?

Rick told me he'd be happy to write what I had requested, and
proceeded to ask ME how to spell imitating. I told him, "Hey, you wrote the song."  They don't call me Webster for nothing, so I obliged and he wrote that, then Love to Allycen, and drew a little heart !. I said with all the confidence of a young and shy schoolgirl (and when I look at the video, it reinforces this with my hand language), "Ah, I get a heart, too?"  He said, "Yes you do."  Sigh....I also requested that he sign the picture of him with Kate, Rachael, and I in which he stuck one of Jemini's feathers in his head, and he said, "You got this back already?" (it had been taken the night before).  We are nothing if not quick and thorough, we true-blue Rick fans, in our picture development.  So he signed that picture for me, too.  The evening before when he saw the feather I had put in my camera case, he immediately recognized it as being from Jemini and said, "Oh my baby!"  That was another precious moment.  Sigh again...And now here I was with his guitar baby signed, sealed, and delivered, and all without a single stretch mark! 

When Rick was signing my feather picture, as I like to call it, he
reached up and touched and commented on the ribbon I was wearing in honor of Marni.  I told him how pleased I was that he, Bucky, and his band had received the word about the ribbons and the glowing objects and incorporated Marni into his words and music at his Viejas show. I felt Marni's presence with us that evening, and I believe Rick did as well.

About this time, Rachael mentioned how it was one of my fondest
dreams to be IGE Guitar Girl (which is why I was going to go as that for
Halloween as I believe in taking action on my own whenever possible), so
what did Rick do but gingerly slip the guitar first over then around me and
let me be IGE Guitar Girl for a few brief moments in time?   I still want to
be INVITED up on stage (sans groping and pawing and other assorted moves one does not make on a married man one totally respects) to be a REAL IGE girl some day, but this being private IGE girl was priceless to me personally.  Even without the singing and rocking back and forth, I had MY BABY (guitar of course) around me and my fantasy OH BABY helping yet one more dream of mine come true.  I also mentioned how happy I was I did not have to sing right then, as I truly cannot sing worth beans!  Beans really DO sing better than me.

A little bit later, after Rachael got another WONDERFUL hug picture
with Rick, and Kate got a kiss on the cheek (which can be quite continental and which is still a Rick goal to which I aspire to),  I told him I hope he doesn't get sick of me because I'd never want him to as I so respect him, and he said quietly, "I know who you are." I HOPE that means that he knows I am okay, and respectful of him, his privacy, and that of his family.  He then rubbed the back of my neck and head when he said that, so I think it's a good thing.  Later, I also told him he should think about naming his next tour the KARMA SUTRA tour to fit in with THE guitar, and he said that was clever and he may have to consider that. I love making him laugh when he does so genuinely like he did just then.

Now you have the scoop on my GUITAR BABY birthing experience.  As
any parent says, it's a lot of work and sacrifice, but the rewards are worth
it.  And yes, it is on video, too (thank God no stirrups or LONG needles
were required in this experience).  Look to this site for the official
delivery announcement (weight, length, etc).  I also need to get a permanent "cradle" built for this baby.  Hopefully, Rachael's hubby can help me out in that respect. Being a single parent is tough sometimes!

Next question - what should I name my baby?  Any suggestions?
AmeRICKa?  I await your ideas!

Love and peace to all,
Allycen (aka Ally in some form or another)

P.S.  Thanks to all my Rick friends everywhere. You help make me the
person I am today, which is someone I kind of like.  You can all be
Rickparents to my newest baby. Special thanks to Rachael and Kate for
sharing this birthing experience with me.  You girls can "COACH" me anytime!
And Viv, it was wonderful spending some time with you in Vegas.  You're a wonderful woman, role model, and terRICKfic fan club president!


Proud parents of the "guitar" baby! 


   Baby's first words!


Baby sleeping!

Name the baby ideas!

Disclaimer: This story rendition is in no way meant to imply that Rick
Springfield is the father of anyone but his two sons, Liam and Joshua, with his lovely wife Barbara.  The delivery and birthing theme was only used as a unique way to tell a truthful story of a guitar purchase.  No harm or rumor-mongering is intended at all.  Thank you.