Journal

Well here we go again, the battle of the bulge continues, I started about 2 years ago, after the birth of my second child Cameron. I then weighed at my heaviest 125.5kg. Did weight watchers for a while lost 17 kg and now as of today I weigh 119.1 kg. I thought because I know everything I could do it again, but I am forced to admit I need the support and responsibility to owning up to another set of scales each week. I know ww has the best plan for me. I am the type of person who can stick to a regime diet for a while but when I blow it. I think 'what the hell' I've blown it now. Anyway my third child Caitlin is almost 4 months old now and I know that weight loss is part of my secret to becoming a happier person. I used to exude confidence, which to a certain degree has diminished. And although for as long as I can remember I have been overweight, it had never inhibited me as much as it does now. My goal is 79kg at the top end and 70 to 75 at the dream end.
I have started out well so far today and on Saturday I will bite the bullet and re-register at ww. I have had cereal with no-fat yogurt, a peach and skim milk plus two cups of coffee with skim which equates to 3.5 points. My point range is 24 for the day, but because I am still breast-feeding I will keep the range between 24-28 points. I want to lose.
Anyway this is burning minimal fat so I bid you good-bye for now.
Later.... it's now after dinner and I am contemplating going to the movies once I get these kid's to bed. I feel stuffed. I made Creamy Garlic Chicken for dinner which in itself is only 3.5 points per serve. I served it with rice which brought it up to 6 pts and because I was so hungry I couldn't stop and ended up having 2 serves.
For lunch I had a ham and salad sanger and 2 ww choc chip cookies which came to 6 points so all up I didn't fair too badly. I drank 2 litres of water and had 2 points in snacks.
All up equals 23.5 points. Tomorrow I want to try a different tactic of having the majority of my points before 2pm. And get out of the house at least once, even if I don't do much whilst I am out I won't be thinking about food and it won't be as accessible. I think I am an overeater. Today I couldn't stop thinking about food and how hungry I was, which I also blame on being tired. I got up four times during the night to tend to my toddlers. Amazingly I haven't got up to my baby in weeks. Gotta love that. :-)
Just concentrate on getting through the next 24hrs.....boy I sound like an addict.

Yesterday I ate well although I think I am becoming a tad obsessed about losing weight. I even (although I'm counting points) counted the kj and fat content of everything that passed my lips. I am desperate to be happy, yesterday was a sad day for me. I can't say why....I just have my moments, and can't even explain them to myself let alone anyone else. I know I just had a bad day....but far too often lately I want to get on a plane and go to some exotic island and escape my life as I know it. Just for a week. Is that too much to ask. I have been extremely disciplined and motivated in the last few days and the scales are showing a loss of 2 kilos in 3 days. I should be excited I know. I'll be excited when I hit the 110 mark because that will be new territory instead of this bloody roundabout I seem to be permanently on.

2nd February 2002

I think I can admit that I may have a little post natal depression. I had another shocker today which resulted in me saying some pretty awful things to the ones I supposedly love the most. I have never experienced overwhelming feelings as I have in the last few weeks and especially today. Obviously I need some help, but as usual I am reluctant .....my attitude being 'that I feel ok NOW' and typically of my behavior will attempt to soldier on until next time.

I am working furiously on this page, and finding it a tad challenging considering my mental capabilities lately and tomorrow (or rather today..it's late) is the day I rejoin Weight Watchers. I need that.

I re-joined weight watchers and feel quite good about it. Although I did weigh in pretty heavily, I have regained some much needed motivation. The pure points program looks good but I really don't know about having to stick to it religiously for the first week. I came home feeling better and have started wading through the mountain of washing and cleaning. I weighed in at 119.9 kg. Scary but hardly surprising. I re-weighed at home and my scales are pretty much on target. I wish I could weigh in naked, but I don't think many people there would appreciate my nude beauty.lol. I had my height measured too and it appears I have shrunk to 177cm. Doh' I really wanted to be taller, but figure its the excess weight dragging me down. ;-)So here I am AGAIN..my dream goal is now 78-62 kilos and I can do this. First stop for me is 10% that's 107.3 kg. I'm off now the burn some fat. I can and I will.

Okay so I started out well, and at the moment I am trying to 'de-brief' with myself to find out what I am doing wrong...it doesn't seem to occur to my little brain that I have blown 2 whole days and only have 5 to make up for it. What is stopping me from having what I really want?? I could of course blame ww for making us stick to the first week...I hate regimented diets!! Or the fact that I have nothing on their lists in my house or perhaps it's just me and my constant desire for fatty, sugary, salty foods and my non-existent desire to do any exercise whatsoever. Did I tell you I have a male leader? MMmm I am not sure how I'll go with that yet. He seems quite nice so far.Ok back to me.lol. I am about to sit down and work all of this out...I want to lose weight and every time I fail just drives another nail into my self-esteem and confidence. I thought this page would help...but it's not doing a very good job so far.lol. I also thought I would have done more to the pages but that's not to be either just yet. It's Monday tomorrow and a new beginning.

I must admit I eaten pretty well today, I haven't actually counted up my points yet, but I think I have come under. My exercise is another story however. It rained most of the day and whilst it would have been nice going for a walk in the much needed downpour. But I couldn't relish the thought of a drenching. I made Pizza's for lunch today. Ham, Pineapple and low fat mozzarella for the kids and a ratatouille with 30g low fat mozzarella for me. Breakfast consisted of porridge, a peach and 100g No fat Yogurt and for dinner I made Basil, Ricotta and Pine Nut Filo served with my point free ratatouille. I did have grapes as well, and that is one reason I need to track as I have no idea how many of those I ate. I must track everything, so that is my goal for tomorrow. Oh, plus a little exercise wouldn't hurt.

So far so good. I have added another page to my site and it is my daily trackers, I am getting pretty good at this now, even if I do say so myself. It's raining here again today, in fact it has rained all night and our garage is severely flooded. But WE NEED RAIN. It's now Tuesday and only four more sleeps till I weigh in. I am hoping for at least a 1 kilo loss, if not more. The kids are driving us a tad batty as there isn't much they can do in the wet except re-decorate the interior of the house. I went grocery shopping yesterday, without a list and I will never do it again. It's funny how having lists and being organized affects so much of my life. As for my exercise.....housework!!! Yucko.

Even though I know all the rules of 'diet' eating and what I should do and what I shouldn't do. I am finding this incredibly difficult i.e. IM HUNGRY. Having said that I am impressed at my willpower this far. I made a batch of choc chip cookies today for my family and withheld and only had 4. I know that sounds like a lot and I wish I could have abstained more...they were only small and I worked them into my points tracker. I actually haven't added up my points for today but will do shortly. Woo Hoo, came in at 20. Although I only just noticed that I didn't get any fruit in today. (is chocolate a fruit??lol)The down side of today is that I finally got my period so I know I will weigh heavy on Saturday. I am pretty relieved about TTOTM considering Jan/Feb is a dangerous time for me. (all three of my children are born in October. lol) The last thing I need right now is something like pregnancy to put back my weight loss for another 9 months. I started a reasons page too, but haven't put it up yet. I think I need to focus on why I want to lose weight and that may be the key to my past failures and difficulties sticking to my good food choices. Only 3 more sleeps till weigh in...and that's 2 days to keep tracking. I'll worry about the next week after that. I think I get 3 more points to play with next week - I'm EXCITED...See ya later, Biggirl.

I feel pretty good today and once I get through my eating for today and tomorrow I know I will find some turbo inspiration after my weigh in on Saturday. I want to say something about breakfast. We all know it's the most important meal of the day, but for me I find having brekky early, (i.e soon after I get up,) is a downfall for me. I get extremely hungry by morning tea and end up blowing it. However if I stall it, by having a glass of water and a coffee first thing and then get busy doing the usual houseworky things and have a good breakfast by 10.30 - 11 am. I can cope with the rest of the day. I know this sounds weird, but it's like I am treating my housework as exercise and my breakfast as the reward....then I feel better about eating well for the rest of the day and I don't think about food as much. That was my little experiment this week so next week I will monitor my eating times again as to avoid my hunger pangs. Weight Loss to me is not just about eating well and exercise, it's the emotional eating, the boredom eating and the loneliness eating. And so if I can control these three things. The eating and exercise, naturally will fall into place. On my old pages I had a fat loss page, where I put up pictures of margarine containers for every 500g lost. This time I want to do it a little different, I will have the fat loss page showing how much I lose, but also a page of fat where I will delete containers as I go. I know it's a bit weird but if it helps me I DON'T CARE.

Later... Well I filled in today's tracker and went over by 4 points...I think. We have got to the second interview round for a catering contract at a local club tomorrow at 2pm and so we thought we had better get a baby sitter, and go and check out the club & and the current food. Needless to say I think we can do better, but still have apprehensions about a seven day business with 3 children under 3 1/2. There was little on the menu selection & I ordered the fish, but unfortunately wasn't assertive enough to skip the chips and double the salad. I worked that meal to be 12 points, and if I over estimated that should be a good thing. I also just realized that I had a middy of beer and I think that's 1 point so I think I went 5 over. Which taking the point from yesterday I actually went 4. Now if I went for an hours walk I could probably burn that off.....which is tempting because I'm determined to have a loss this week, but I won't because I am super good at making exercise excuses and it's 11pm and raining. ;-) One day to keep going.....Till tomorrow, Biggirl