Guide to Springfield

Springfield Bridge
The best place to look for fun and excitement is the Springfield Bridge where the town literally begins. Due to poor civic planning, rampant corruption, and an overly yokelized, the only way in or out of Springfield is across the bridge. The bridge was rebuilt several years ago after the miss guided missile hit it. The missile was intended on hitting a comet the threatened the city. Afterwards, city planners went to great lengths to restore the bridge’s old-style architecture and charm, even adding re-creations of its original, innovated graffiti , such as “Class of ’78 Rules!,” Marge I love Marge you,” and Elbarto Hired someone that was here.”

Springfield Hydroelectric Dam
Within a stones throw from the Springfield Bridge is the Hydroelectric Dam, the site of the extremely wet Springfield hydroelectric dam disaster. Still the subject of a great deal of conjecture, we do know this, some years ago Side Show Bob and his brother, Cecil, were implicated in a scheme in which the dam was blown to smithereens. To pay for the dam’s reconstruction, the town sold the billboard rights to the structure. Visitors entering Springfield can now see the largest outdoor advertisement in the state, proclaiming, “Duff-Dat’s Dam Good Beer!”

Springfield town square
Let’s Move to the inskirts of Springfield, what better place to begin then the Springfield Town Square. An irregular rectangle of grass and trees, the square is home to the large statue of Springfield’s homely founder, Jebediah Springfield. Posed atop the carcass of a freshly killed bear, Jebediah stands proudly, as if to say, “I just killed a bear with my bare hands. Anyone want a piece of this, I’m right here, baby.” Locals often refer to the statue as “the dud with the cub” and “that silly coonskinned jerk with the dead grizzly.” This is the perfect place for a picnic, but do plan ahead, as the square is sprayed twice daily with malathion. Lasting the better part of an hour, these sprayings occur sometime between 10 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. and 2:37 p.m. and 5:00 p.m.

Mt. Splashmore
Springfield’s foremost water park and dunkery is none other that Mt. Splashmore. Boasting “the most ways you can be shot hundreds of feet into the air by a geyser of pressurized water,” Mt. Splashmore is a haven for kids too young to know fear and risk takers looking for a way to beat the heat. But be careful. Lives are in the hands of bored 16 year old lifeguards who have only casually glanced at the various rules and procedures of the park. Lax safety regulations on the part of Springfield City Hall have given license to the most thrilling, pulse pounding, and potentially injurious slides in the industrialized world. A favorite among daring visitors is “The Devil’s Gullet,” which begins 300 feet in the air and drops screaming patrons down at a 90 degree angle before suddenly shooting them into a complex network of intensely curvy tubes and then propelling them quickly through the tank of great white shark, over an alligator pit, and finally, into lukewarm, extra-foamy Jacuzzi.

Springfield Speedway
After a day of faux history, who can resist the continental charm of nitro burning cars hurtling dangerously around curves at speeds exceeding 150 M.P.H.? Fortunately two places in Springfield provide this awesome spectacle: the big freeways interchange just outside of town and the Springfield Speedway. Though equally harrowing, the corn dogs at the Speedway are better. Visitors there can witness any number of reckless events, including drag racing, daredevil life-risking, or a visit from Truckasaurus, the fire breathing metallic monstrosity that eats other cars to provide captivating family entertainment.

Springfield War Memorial Stadium
Another terrific sit down activity is a baseball game at the Springfield war Memorial Stadium, the current home of the Springfield Isotopes. Though the Isotopes have never enjoyed a winning record, scientists believe that it is possible and could happen in the next 30 years. Of course, some predict that a non losing season would be the sign of an upcoming apocalypse. Among the unique concessions available at the stadium are buffalo wings and marzipan for the children.

Duff Gardens
Duff Gardens is located a few dozen miles outside of the city. Featuring rides and attractions that promote alcohol consumption or simulate inebriation or both, Duff Gardens can dizzy and disorient even the most jaded amusement seeker and/or experienced drinker. The Barrel Roll recently underwent a complete redesign, making it one of the most jarring, internal-organ-shifting rollercoasters on the face of the Earth. Each car comes with a motion sickness bags, smelling salts, and a Unitarian Bible. The Barrel Roll is so fast, steep, and curvy, pregnant women are advised not even to look at it.

Itchy and Scratchy Land
If the amusement bug continues to bite, put some calamine lotion on said bite and consider taking a day trip to Itchy and Scratchy Land. While kids frolic at torture land, explosion land, searing gas pain land, unnecessary surgery land, and the upcoming Blood Clot Center (estimated opening 2002), parents can unwind at the aptly named Parents’ Island. Here, parents can pursue their interests in consuming alcoholic beverages, learning new recipes, hammock-loafing, watching hours of television, or deluding themselves that they are still living in the 1970’s. Also featuring the finest amusement-park-run ER and triage center in the state, Itchy and Scratchy Land boasts a 95% survival rate for its emergency organ transplants and tracheotomies. Of course, no one wants to have an amusement-park-related accident, but if you must have one, consider having it at the “Violentest place on Earth”

Springfield Gorge
There isn’t an attraction cheaper in Springfield than the Springfield Gorge. Here, visitors can pass countless minutes standing and staring at the mild semi-majesty of what has been called “Springfield’s Really Big Creek hole.” Though fairly uninteresting as far as gorges go (because, really, if you’ve seen one gorge you’ve seen them all), admission is free. An interesting area near the parking lot called “Homer’s Leap” features a small plaque that details the story of a local man who fell down the gorge twice in one afternoon.

Barney’s Bowlarama
Care for a simple evening of amusements? What could be simpler than hucking a heavy ball to knock down a bunch of pins? And there is no finer place to heavy-ball knock-pin-huck than at Springfield’s legendary crashateria Barney’s Bowlarama. What makes the bowlarama great is not its thrice-fried onion rings, the surprisingly good-smelling shoe rentals, or the free pencils with every scorecard. It’s the glistening, ultraflat lanesfabled alleys of polished wood on which even a small, anemic child can, with just a small push, make a ball roll fast enough to jump fifteen cars.

Springfield National Forest
A calmer, simpler, less innovated environment than the pulse pounding, teeth gnashing, spleen-irritating excitement of Sir Putt-a-lott’s Merrie Olde Fun Center is the Springfield national forest, where the trees are big, squirrels are well fed, and illegal campfire starters are shot on sight. Scholars argue whether Robert Frost penned his poem “That’s one Freakin Big Tree” while in forest and even question whether it was actually Frost or Robert Klein who wrote it. Nevertheless the Springfield National Forest has some of the most beautiful views in all of Springfield, and it’s the only place in town where the rank, acrid fumes of the tire-yard fire aren’t quite so noticeable.