Long Distance
Do long distance relationships work? Everyone give me your comments on this.

ants?! ANTS!
I left out a funny story from today that slipped my mind I guess, or maybe I wanted to forget.

I left Mango's early in the morning, about 6 and went to the supermarket as there was a bus stop nearby. Of course I failed to realize that buses probably dont come that early. So, I called my ex, she might be going towards where I work. I called and she said I could have a lift, I dont think she was very happy about me waking her up at 6:30 tho.

She wasn't coming to pick me up for an hour and a half so I decided to sleep, yep, sleep, underneath the phone box. At 6:30am. So I feel asleep only to wake up 30 minutes later feeling little movements all over my face and chest. I wiped my hand across my face to find.... ANTS! I jumped up, banged my head on the phone box, started screaming and cursing loudly, swatting at my face with both hands whilst trying to tear my shirt off as quickly as possible. It was crazy. Theres always a moral to the story, this one is dont pour fizzy drink next to you and fall asleep even if you are realy bored at 6:30am

Abuse
I was bored on my bus trip back to Mango's place so i took Mango's phone and decided to text some people.

I chose a name out of his directory and started texting.

Jamie : Hey *name removed*, come to Mango's party tonight
Girl : My boyfriend has to drive me home, so if he can come then I'll go.
Jamie : sure, as long as he doesn't mind you giving me head.
Girl : Well, he just got out of court ( how do you just get out? its not a sleep over, of course you get out of court ) so he's pretty grumpy.
Jamie : realy? well then, I sentence your boyfriend to kiss my arse.
Girl : He's going to kick your arse
Jamie: If i win will you give me head?
Girl : Whats your name and how old are you?
Jamie : my names James, I'm 16 , I like slow dancing, long walks along the beach and kissing in the rain.
Girl : well i dont. You wouldn't say all that if you knew my boyfriend
Jamie : dont worry, I heard you give crap head anyway, your boyfriend was telling me about it.
Girl : fuck you.
Jamie : OK

Morale of the story, this girl gives crap head.

SERCURITY!!!!!
Honestly, what sorta society do we live in where I'm threatened by a fucking fast food slut?!

I was at pacific fair, one of my favorite places to be. This is because of one thing, Point Blank 2, possibly the greatest game ever. But thats not realy important to the story. I was ordering some food when I accidentally knocked down a "CAUTION : FLOOR WET" sign.

I told the girl that was serving me I had killed her sign. She gave me a blank look , the same look when you tell your 6 year old cousins where babies realy come from. I tried to explain it to her in words she could understand " I " i said, pointing to myself. "killed" I said as i drew a line across my throat. "your" I pointed at her , " sign" i said as i pointed at the fallen sign on the ground.

She caught on.

"dont worry" she said casually . "I'll just call security" and smiled in a way that made me want to hit her with the recently deceased sign.

So there you go, killing a sign is now a crime, punishable by vicious beating by security.

To killing a sign in the first degree, how do you plead Jamie?

Oh man Im slack.
My aunt is blind
I say to her "Nice to SEE you again Aunty"
she didnt think it was so funny

why Jamie is the worst employee ever
Today I show up to work, which was pretty nice of me I thought. I stumble into work ,my breath wreaks of alcohol, I try not to breathe anywhere near the smokers just in case I become some sort of fire hazard. My boss asks me "Jamie? whats with the sunnies?"
I reply "nothing....."
He replies " where you on the piss last night Jamie? your breath smells like petrol"
I'm angered at his accusations, how dare he even consider me of such things?! who does he think i am?!
I tell him "look, I dont drink, I just had a rough night"
"oh" he starts " what was her name?"
"arrrgh!" I yell "too many questions! I'm getting coffee"

I return from the coffee shop, I have a tray with 3 coffee's, 4 can's of V and 2 redbull's.
My boss smiles at me and says "That was nice of you Jamie, getting everyone coffee"
I quickly correct him "yer right, this is my recovery kit, get your own coffee old man"

Does this sound strange to anyone else?
Today I got off work early, something I was VERY happy about, the thought of more naked old women was making my stomach churn much in the same way that the cream I ate the other night did.

So with the spare hour I had left I went and visited a second hand book store. I love old books, Ive got a soft spot for them, something about old literature that attracts's me.

I was browsing through the different selections, military, sports, science fiction gay male fantasy.... wait.... did that sign just say "Gay Male Fantasy"???

Yep, thats right, not only are there gay male fantasy books but there's a whole fucking section devoted to them! holy shit!

So what did I do? well I bought a few for starters. HAHA! Just kiding. ... I bought heaps.

why Jamie cant get an erection for years.
My day turned from boring, to great, to sexually, mentally and visually horrible.

I was doing the usual stuff, designing a few cards and what not when an 18 year old and her mother came in. They wanted some calendars done. No problem. BUT she told me that they have some "sensitive" pictures they wanted on them.

I'm thinking "Yes! this hot 18 year old its giving me naked pictures, thank the lord I'm going to make a few copies of this!"

But I was wrong, so very wrong......
The naked pictures where of her mother and her work colleges. They're ages exceeded 70 in some cases. Thats fucked up. Some things just weren't meant to be, one of which is a 67 year old, straddling a chair with a "FOR SALE" sign on her breasts, smoking thru a smoking extension like Cruela Devil.
Ive got no chance of a sex life for years to come, thank you digital cameras!

Sobriety, ill drink to that!
This is just a quick look into my alcoholism that used to consume my life. I remember when I was 13 I went to my godfathers 60th. It was pretty fun, I played blackjack with my little cousins and cheated like Paris Hilton. I remember repeating a line under my breath the whole night, "fools and there money" . Anyway, that night was the first time I ever realy had anything to drink. Was a pretty fun night. I even avoided the idea of ripping my clothes off and body slamming my godfathers cake.... yer , that was probley for the best.

That night was probley the start of something horrible. Soon after I got back from that party I was invited to my mates 13th birthday. His perants where the most leanent perants I've ever met. Theres something that seems realy wrong now that I look at night that, perants BUYING 13yr olds alcohol. I split a bottle of vodka with a friend. The split was pretty one sided as I drank more than 80% of it. I met one of my girlfriends that night. She had a bottle of the cheapest, nastiest alcohols you could purchase. Passion Pop, evil stuff. If you ever need a cheap paint thiner, Passion Pop could well be a good choice. Needless to say, when you mix Passion Pop with a 13yr old girl, the effects arnt going to be good. She vomited 4 times that night. Ahahaha, and I ended up going out with her, nice choice Jamie. What can I say? I must have a weak spot for girls that smell like vomit? Glad to see I grew out of that.

That wasn't the biggest dive I took, incomparision to what I've done, thats not even the tip of the iceberg.

One of the worst things I did was getting trashed every week end for a year. I would go to the movies with little bottles of alcohol filling my pockets and shoes. Ahahaha. Man, not good times at all.
So everyone raise there glasses to sobriety! I'll drink to that!

why Jamie is an arsehole part 1
This is the start of my saga called "Why Jamie is an arsehole".

We all have an idea that sounds perfect in theory but when you try and use this theory in a practical way it falls to pieces and crying, verbal abuse, dirty looks and sexual deprivation ensues. Maybe it didn't turn out that bad for YOU but this is my story.

OK, heres the background info, I had been going out with my girlfriend for about 12 months I think. She actually gave me the idea to write this story, she even came up with the name, go figure. Anyway, 12 months is a long time to be with someone realy I had two conflicting points of view being expressed openly to me. One was my friends point of view. "Dump her and come out and we'll hook up, that [ insert random sluts name here ] wants you. " . The other opinion was from my girlfriend . " I love you and always want to be with you".

Well, My theory was to add these two points of view to create a view thats all mine. My theory is sick, twisted, socially morally and ethically wrong.

My plan? Stay with my girlfriend but be allowed to fuck other people. Essentially cheating but asking permission I guess.

Needless to say it didnt work out. And so concludes part 1 of "why Jamie is an arsehole"
Maybe I should just write a book about it?

Somebody pinch me!
hahaha!
This is crazy! I cant believe it! They want ME to become store fucking manager in 9 months time! FUCK ME! Thats insane, ill end up putting the paper in printers wrong or something, it'll exploded like a car crash in one of those hollywood movies and you'll see me flying through the air, slow motion with flames chasing me quickly. A bussines that profits over 1 million a year and I'll be in charge of it. God bless australia! XD

why life is fucked and full of whores
well, there you go, i admit my feelings to someone i thought i could fall for deeply and it turns out she had a four-some last week. hahahaha. this is the stuff of movies, i swear. if my life was anymore like TV it'd have a remote.
anyways, I'm at work so I'm not supposed to be on, i realy hope they don't go thru the history and check this out or .... yer. You'd think id be devastated or something but I'm not, its just to fucked up to be upset, you just have to look at the big picture and laugh at life. Or maybe I'll just sit in the bath and scrub until i feel clean again.

This is gotta be "STTTTRIKE THREEEE YOURRR OUTTTA HERE!!!!"
Yep, I'm definitely going to get fired now. I just found out today that what i thought was motion sensors are actually security cameras. Whats even worse is the he watches the tapes at the end of the week. Whats so bad about that you might ask? Well, for starters, he's going to see what I did to his coffee. Thats going to be the last straw. BUT , just in case he doesn't see that, there always the other things to watch on there. Like me jumping around behind him mocking him making faces at him whilst he works at his desk. How when he's out the back and he's talking to me, I'm repeating what he says but making faces whilst I do it. There's also the numerous times I've flipped him off behind his back or how I took his coffee cup and put it down my pants. Oh yer, I'm fired for sure. But with a tape this good, maybe I should ask for a copy?

Karma
I saw a homeless person today who asked for some money or food. My first reaction would have landed me in court. The way I actualy reacted was far different, so different it suprrised even me. I went and bought this crazy, smelly, poor lady lunch. Yep, on my lunch break I got someone else there lunch. What would bring a person such as myself to buy someone else lunch? Karma . Yes, Karma. I decided to buy this woman lunch because of MY karma. I've done so many horrible things latley I decided to push my karma back into the positive, or atleast make it neutral. I just wish she hadnt have cried and given me a hug when I gave her the food. I think she gave me something, probley AIDS. Helping people sucks.

Meat Shield.
No-one would have read the last post yet because it was posted after midnight and its only 7:44 and I'm waiting for my pants be ready so I can get them out of the dryer.

Anyways, Like I said in my last post, I used to sell fireworks. When I moved up to QLD I still had a nice supply of them, about $800 worth. The people up here wanted them more than NSW people. It was crazy, I sold all my packets of finger destroying fun within a week. Nothing more satisfying than watching people literally blow up there money.

Anyways, for some stupid reason someone got caught at my school with the fireworks. What a retard. Anyways, the police were called. I freaked out. I didn't need a second offense on my permanent record ( I hope the rumors are true, that it gets wiped at 18 ) . Anyway, he police came and the person caught with them said HE brought them to school. MAN TALK ABOUT SAVED! Anyway, It seems someone else took the bullet for me.
Also I was told the kids father beat him and he slept in a park that night. Go figure.

The reason we all go to school... Fights!
I love school, seriously. Social interaction on such a large scale is hard to find. This year was my last year of school. I'm going to miss it I'm sure.

One of my fondest memories was a fight. Not so much of a fight as torture. I've got a big mouth, I'll admit. And if you read the story on me getting my arse kicked by a 12 year old, you'd see I pick the worst fights.

It'll all started one day with me and my friends kicking around the football. I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams they day would end so well. The football went flying out of control when my friend "The Ivory Giant" ( Ivory for short) kicked the ball. Ivory's kick had hit one of the biggest dick heads in the school. Greg. The ball hit him in the back of the head and he turned around quickly to find the culprit., finding only me and my friends standing there laughing uncontrollably. He asked in his toughest voice "who kicked it?!". We all responded with even harder laughing. He didn't seem to think it was so funny. He started having his little fit and I made the comment " Please Greg, Don't cry". This set him off

Greg stepped up to me and pushed me. Now Greg is a good 4 inches shorter than I am, I wasn't intimidated by this display at all. I laughed at him once for his displays of anger. He pushed me a second time and I said "Greg? This going to be fight or a pushing contest? " He pushed me one last time, the last time he would make any sort of offensive maneuver for the rest of the fight. My instincts kicked in, if you asked any of my friends what happened next they be describing reflex's similar to that of Spider man when he catches Mary Jane and her lunch.

As his hand touched me my reflex's, Dad had taught me years ago kicked in and before he knew what was happening, his right arm was locked. This was no ordinary lock, this arm lock deals the most pain possible, this arm lock will take your arm out of its socket when the correct pressure is applied. Greg, was in one word "FUCKED" .

I pushed his arm back to the point where it was painful. I know how painful this lock is because my dad showed me slowly how painful it becomes. He'd be bordering lining on passing out. I warned Greg " Give up or this arm is coming out" he replied ignorantly "FUCK YOU! LET GO OF MY ARM!" That was a request Id ignore. I pushed his arm back another 2 inches, about 2 more inches would take the arm out. His screams of pain told me how painful it was. I remembered "Angel" ( the girl from the going away party ) said to her friend as she was standing next to me " He's not going to kill him is he?"

His friends soon showed up to take Greg off my hands before I tore his arm off. Greg had been locked up for a good 60 seconds. Painful stuff.

Sure, that'd be a nice end to my story right? Guy gets hit by football, Jamie Laughs, Guy starts fight with Jamie, Guy gets fucked up. But no, there's more.

Later on that day I finally made it home. I got myself a drink and bearly sat down when the phone rang.
Jamie : hello?
Lady : yes hello, is Mr Lopez there? ( I assumed she was talking about me as my dad wasn't USUALLY home for another hour and I was expecting some money from the bank )
Jamie : Yes , this is Mr Lopez
Lady : Well! Your son attacked my grandson today at school!
Jamie : OK
Lady : well?! arnt you going to say something?!
Jamie : well, your grandson should learn some manners, he shouldn't have pushed me
Lady : Your bigger than he is! I'm surprise you felt him pushing you!
Jamie : Your right, I thought he was flirting with me actually
Lady : I heard you were a smart arse!
Jamie : You heard right
Lady : Put your father on!
Jamie : ummm, I Don't think so
Lady : ...... I'm waiting
Jamie : Your going to be waiting awhile, Have a nice day bitch

I then hung up the phone only for it to ring back 30 seconds later, in those 30 seconds I had told my dad what happened. With a child like me your Father just isn't your care giver, he's your lawyer.

He conversation between the two of them was boring, except for my father last comments

Dad : Your right... My son shouldn't have dislocated your sons shoulder.... He should have dislocated his neck!


What a day, I got into a fight, dislocated a shoulder and abused an old lady. Thats gotta be in my top 3.

The next day was right up there as well, seeing Greg with his arm in a sling. AHAHAHAHA!

Oh yer, violence is wrong.

This is why I dont leave the House
Generaly speaking, when you reach the age of 15 you relise that you perants keep off your back for the most part. Yet occasionaly they break this habbit and revert back to embarassing care givers that should be avoided at all costs including ones life, which may be a better option that having your perants do something like mine did.

Lisa, she's one of my pretty good friends. She attractive, well mannered and out-going on a one on one basis. These personal attributes where the problem. She was the perfect girl for me, thats what my mother would say. This was fine, she can think WHATEVER she wants. The problem is when she acts apon these opinions.

I passed her work one day to find her out the front. I sparked up a conversation as soon as she could ditch the elderly man that was eyeing her off. I made small talk as I waited for my perants to exit the near by store they had entered. They took there sweet time browsing around the store, I would have gladly gone with them and gotten out of the inferno like heat of that day but there was a girl in there that I had made a few nasty comments about that day. " Dumb as a rock " I had called her . " You'd be better off with a pet rock actualy, atleast a pet rock isnt slutty and doesnt try and flirt with your friends" I had told a close companion of hers.

My perants finaly made it out and my I quickly grabbed the keys to go and sit in the refreshing tempreture of the car. I waited for another 5 minutes and my mother still hadnt shown up. She eventuly made her way to the car, sat down and said to me " I saw that lovley Lisa girl" . " Yes I know mum, I was talking to her " I said , not looking at her.
"I was going to ask her..... " she trailed off. " ASK HER WHAT?!" I screamed at her, thinking the worst. "Oh, nothing, I was going to ask her if she had a boyfriend" . Well, it wasnt the worst she could have said to her but it had the same effect on me . "THATS IT! " I screamed at yell " YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED NEAR ME IN PUBLIC AGAIN! EVER! " . She would not stop commenting on how great she thought Lisa was on the way home, a 10 minute drive, I was about to slit my throat and stop the seemingly endless torture. "Mum, if you like her so much why dont you marry her then? " I asked her. She ignored me and continued, saying how pretty Lisa was.
Perants, Sometimes they just supprise you with how embarrasing they are..... *sign*

My run in with the Law.
Well, this is an old story but apparently not to many people know about it and if they do, they don't believe me. I thought the going away party story was harder to believe,
Before I came to QLD, I lived in NSW. I'll admit, I prefer living up here now, I wouldn't want to move away even if I had the choice realy, I've met people here I hope I'll know all my life. Besides, there are somethings in NSW I'd rather forget.

One such thing happened about 3 weeks after the 9/11 attacks on American. I used to sell fireworks at school, the 9/11 attacks had the same effect on my business as "Pokemon" had on the card game. Business was booming. It was crazing to comprehend. If I had stocks in fireworks they would have rivaled stocks of Velcro gloves in New Zealand. Another hot product people wanted was bomb recipes. This was my downfall. I started selling the recipes, NOT bombs, just there recipes and someone was stupid enough to be reading one of my recipes in class. Good work fuck wit.

The police were called and I got blamed, I got a tip that the cops were coming and magically I got a stomach ache and was sent home immediately. The cops called me back to the school, I had the thought that once I was at home I was safe as though my home was outside of the Laws grasp.

The cops sat me down. Ask where I had gotten the recipes and seemed amazed when I told them about www.google.com . Seriously, I'm glad its these guys keeping us safe. If they couldn't stop a 13yr old boy, how the fuck are they going to stop Bin Laden. May god have mercy on my soul. The offense was put on my record and that was it. They told me not to do it again and left.

Terrorist beware, don't make bombs or you'll get a talking to you wont soon forget. I almost wish I made some bombs now........

Zoe's Website
One night as I was carefuly flipping through pictures of naked women doing what should only be done at SpringBreak or Schoolies, a noise distrupted me and I had to put my pants back on quickly to find the source. Just kiding.... I didnt put my pants back on. Now, the source of the noises was a new person signing into MSN. It just happend to be Zoe and she was proudly declaring that her website had some yr12 formal pics. I decided to stop watching girls gone wild and see what her site had to offer. Well, the women were clothed but it was still interesting to see everyone dressed up, who knew all those skanks would clean up so well?
But im being distracted from the point, This is just to say that her website inspired me to create my own. Just wanted to say thank you to Zoe. Zoe be my wife?
Check out her site, its almost as good as mine and has far less sex.
Zoe's Website

STRRRRRIKE TWO!
My second warning, stop being a smart arse or get fired. Well, if they cant take a joke then fuck them. One of my managers used to be an army officer. He doesn't think its funny to be ignored by me or for me to be making faces behind his face or fake saluting him without me realizing that there's reflective metal in front of him and he was watching me. The man's got it in for me I swear. Apparently he doesn't like me yelling out "SIR YES SIR!" every time he tells me something to do. Apparently he doesn't like me asking him how many people he's killed or how many situp's he can do in 15 seconds OR being told to "get down and give me 20!" by his employee. Apparently he doesn't realize I don't give a fuck.