This is why I dont leave the House
Generaly speaking, when you reach the age of 15 you relise that you perants keep off your back for the most part. Yet occasionaly they break this habbit and revert back to embarassing care givers that should be avoided at all costs including ones life, which may be a better option that having your perants do something like mine did.

Lisa, she's one of my pretty good friends. She attractive, well mannered and out-going on a one on one basis. These personal attributes where the problem. She was the perfect girl for me, thats what my mother would say. This was fine, she can think WHATEVER she wants. The problem is when she acts apon these opinions.

I passed her work one day to find her out the front. I sparked up a conversation as soon as she could ditch the elderly man that was eyeing her off. I made small talk as I waited for my perants to exit the near by store they had entered. They took there sweet time browsing around the store, I would have gladly gone with them and gotten out of the inferno like heat of that day but there was a girl in there that I had made a few nasty comments about that day. " Dumb as a rock " I had called her . " You'd be better off with a pet rock actualy, atleast a pet rock isnt slutty and doesnt try and flirt with your friends" I had told a close companion of hers.

My perants finaly made it out and my I quickly grabbed the keys to go and sit in the refreshing tempreture of the car. I waited for another 5 minutes and my mother still hadnt shown up. She eventuly made her way to the car, sat down and said to me " I saw that lovley Lisa girl" . " Yes I know mum, I was talking to her " I said , not looking at her.
"I was going to ask her..... " she trailed off. " ASK HER WHAT?!" I screamed at her, thinking the worst. "Oh, nothing, I was going to ask her if she had a boyfriend" . Well, it wasnt the worst she could have said to her but it had the same effect on me . "THATS IT! " I screamed at yell " YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED NEAR ME IN PUBLIC AGAIN! EVER! " . She would not stop commenting on how great she thought Lisa was on the way home, a 10 minute drive, I was about to slit my throat and stop the seemingly endless torture. "Mum, if you like her so much why dont you marry her then? " I asked her. She ignored me and continued, saying how pretty Lisa was.
Perants, Sometimes they just supprise you with how embarrasing they are..... *sign*

My run in with the Law.
Well, this is an old story but apparently not to many people know about it and if they do, they don't believe me. I thought the going away party story was harder to believe,
Before I came to QLD, I lived in NSW. I'll admit, I prefer living up here now, I wouldn't want to move away even if I had the choice realy, I've met people here I hope I'll know all my life. Besides, there are somethings in NSW I'd rather forget.

One such thing happened about 3 weeks after the 9/11 attacks on American. I used to sell fireworks at school, the 9/11 attacks had the same effect on my business as "Pokemon" had on the card game. Business was booming. It was crazing to comprehend. If I had stocks in fireworks they would have rivaled stocks of Velcro gloves in New Zealand. Another hot product people wanted was bomb recipes. This was my downfall. I started selling the recipes, NOT bombs, just there recipes and someone was stupid enough to be reading one of my recipes in class. Good work fuck wit.

The police were called and I got blamed, I got a tip that the cops were coming and magically I got a stomach ache and was sent home immediately. The cops called me back to the school, I had the thought that once I was at home I was safe as though my home was outside of the Laws grasp.

The cops sat me down. Ask where I had gotten the recipes and seemed amazed when I told them about www.google.com . Seriously, I'm glad its these guys keeping us safe. If they couldn't stop a 13yr old boy, how the fuck are they going to stop Bin Laden. May god have mercy on my soul. The offense was put on my record and that was it. They told me not to do it again and left.

Terrorist beware, don't make bombs or you'll get a talking to you wont soon forget. I almost wish I made some bombs now........

Zoe's Website
One night as I was carefuly flipping through pictures of naked women doing what should only be done at SpringBreak or Schoolies, a noise distrupted me and I had to put my pants back on quickly to find the source. Just kiding.... I didnt put my pants back on. Now, the source of the noises was a new person signing into MSN. It just happend to be Zoe and she was proudly declaring that her website had some yr12 formal pics. I decided to stop watching girls gone wild and see what her site had to offer. Well, the women were clothed but it was still interesting to see everyone dressed up, who knew all those skanks would clean up so well?
But im being distracted from the point, This is just to say that her website inspired me to create my own. Just wanted to say thank you to Zoe. Zoe be my wife?
Check out her site, its almost as good as mine and has far less sex.
Zoe's Website

STRRRRRIKE TWO!
My second warning, stop being a smart arse or get fired. Well, if they cant take a joke then fuck them. One of my managers used to be an army officer. He doesn't think its funny to be ignored by me or for me to be making faces behind his face or fake saluting him without me realizing that there's reflective metal in front of him and he was watching me. The man's got it in for me I swear. Apparently he doesn't like me yelling out "SIR YES SIR!" every time he tells me something to do. Apparently he doesn't like me asking him how many people he's killed or how many situp's he can do in 15 seconds OR being told to "get down and give me 20!" by his employee. Apparently he doesn't realize I don't give a fuck.

God Bless australia.
Where else but in Australia or possibly Russia, can a person as lazy as i am, not only get a job but get promoted?

A list of what I do at work.

1. Shuffle papers as people walk by.
2. Mentally undress co-workers.
3. Steal pens.
4. Put Hot4's magz in computer books, pretending to learn
5. Use the guillotines to cut sandwiches.
6. Use the heat guns to toast sandwiches.
7. Use the heat guns to cook food.
8. Use the shrink wrapping machine to wrap, shrink wrap.
9. Text people and say that I'm just getting the time
10. Verbally abuse customers whilst Mentally undressing them.
11. Drink dangerous amounts of coffee.
12. Put food items on my boss's tab.
13. Accidentally say " I thought secretary's were supposed to be hot" without realizing its the boss's wife.
14. Break the vacuum cleaner.
15. Ring up my work pretending to be Indian and Chinese.
16. Answer the phones under a different company name.
17. Get couriers to pick up paper clips addressed to "Fairy Land" and other non-existent places.
18. Draw lips and eyes on the phone, saying its my girlfriend and not to look at her like that.
19. Shoot rubber bands at people, blaming someone else.
20. Take bites out of peoples lunches they ask me to get.
21. Order the wrong food for people even tho I have a list.
22. Turn the soft chairs into a fort and play fight.
23. Address empty envelopes to people out of the white pages.
24. Use the computers to download child-porn and place it where the customers will see it, labeling the folder " My Stash"
25. Spitting on the floors and when getting caught, saying i sneezed and getting away with it.
26. Stare down the old lady that works in the office across the street because she freaks out.
27. Draw naked women on the memo pads and sticking there everywhere.
28. Collect all the money people give me to put in there parking metres and use it to buy coffee.
29. Steal money from the petty cash.
30. Use the money to buy more staples for staple gun shoot outs which i always win and I'm the only one that plays.

Hard descisions, Im talking harder than a priest at preskool.
Sometimes we all have to make hard decisions. My hard decision came today. Two girls. Both realy good friends. Both amazingly attractive. Both love me. Some people might not see a real problem with this. Pick the girl that you get along with more or is more attractive. I cant do this. I cant pick one and break the others heart. So Ive made my choice to not see either of them. Maybe this will hurt both of them but its the right thing to do in my mind. I don't think I can be there for them anymore, I cant string them along for no reason, I'm a prick but I'm not sadistic.
Think I'm wrong?
comment on this post by clicking the link at the end.

Beaten by a 12 year old
This is a story that will make me laugh everytime I hear it. At the time it wasnt so funny but looking back I'm glad it happend, otherwise I wouldnt be writing about it now.

This happend about a year ago. When I had the time I would regulary attend martial arts. But with work and school theres no time for it.

Now, one night, I attended a class at a differnt school, they taught the same style of martial arts though and I wanted to get more training in. The highest level martial artists there had a son. He was 12 and he was several levels above me. He was advanced enough to teach 95% of the people there. I was paired up this with kid and me being the arogant bastard I was decided to attack him first and let him go on the defensive. I threw several good punches, he deflected a few of them with speed that was rather overwhelming but i continued. I had locked up one of his hands against him and I readying my right hand to hit him in the side of the neck. I let my hand go, trying to inflict the most damage I could on my 5 foot oppoent. Out of nowhere, his hand broke free some the grip I had on it, directly hitting me in the adam apple. The effect of this hit where heard by everyone training and they stopped, some half way through battles to stop and watch me drop to my knees, grasping my throat with an immense pain, coughing up what I thought was blood. NO! I WASNT CRYING! I HAD SOMETHING IN MY EYE! SHUTUP!
So there you go, last time I try and kill a 12 year old, atleast for alittle while anyway.

Dinner For One
I was in one of my classic strange moods. Dinner seemed years away and I made my first mistake of that night by deciding to cook dinner for myself. I had quickly decided on pasta, me, being the optimist failed to check if I had all the ingredients that were required for such a dish. Everything was fine until it came to adding cream to the browned meat and vegetables. I check the fridge quickly for any signs of cream but found some cream which was more like an ancient artifact than something edible. The smell knocked my head back like a uppercut from a Ali. "I'm sure it'll be ok" I thought, trying to convince common sense that it was fine. I added the cream and for some unknown reason decided that it was the smell that will make you sick, not that millions of bacteria that called this dairy product home. "Wholegrain mustard" I thought, adding the spicy ingredient into the poison mixture which I would soon call dinner. The smell of cream quickly vanished, consumed by the smell of the mustard. "see? its fine now Jamie" I said as I sat down with the pasta. I began to eat and relised that it tasted great. Everything seemed fine for a few hours until my stomach began to rumble at me, yelling at me for the abuse it was beging to sustain. Needless to say I was horribley Ill that night, vomiting for hours. Well, its still better than pizzahut.

Moral of this story : Mustard dosent make cream fresh.

Pizzahut : Now with 20% more disease
Still sunday over here, bordem is starting to set in as I talk to one of my closest friends, Jezabell, I've relised that we've been through alot togeher. Our personalitys are what kept us close, we're both lazy, hate work of any kind and endulge in drinking copious amounts of alcohol at regular intervals. We had both gotten jobs around the same time and both had found how much working sucked. Jezabell found work at a theme park close by and I found work at the local Pizzahut. Now, you might have read some of my other comments are relised that I dont like Pizzahut. This is because when I order my pizza, I expect it without the side order of disease. If you'rve ever ordered a pizza in my area, chances are I've made it. You may want to stop reading from this point if you like eating pizza. For the 8 or so months I worked there, I remember washing my hands once. ONCE! and I scored a 100% of my hygine certificate! Think about that?! you only need to score a 70% to pass and look what im doing to get a 100%! After my second day of working at Pizzahut, I didnt eat the food again. Meat is left out unrefrigerated for hours. Food is dropped, Pizza's droped. Ive mixed the dough with cuts on my hands. Next time you order Pizza, Think dominoes.

Im only one call away....
Yes, as always ,even when something as tasty as a party is within my grasp it somehow slips away from me but something better always comes along. The day had started well, an innocent trip to the local mall which resulted in a long bus trip home. A girl from my old school was there holding hands with her 25 year old boyfriend which churned my stomach in a way I thought only Pizzahut could do. "Where do these guys pick up? " I thought out loud, " This girl couldnt be older than 14, must have picked her up at a sandbox" I said to myself, almost hopeing that he heard me. The rest of the trip was uneventful and I was becoming dissapointed that there wasnt going to be an interesting story to write. A party was planned but getting there was a major problem and it seemed out of my power to make it, this was probley one of the better things that happend that day because something greater than the prospect of drinking heavly showed up. This great incedient showed up in the form of a phone call. Holly had called me. Holly, whom i had been friends with for a few months now was a real looker. One of those girls that walks into a room and doesnt ask you to look but damands it without words. She had a prescence around her that made the gods bow down before in awe. I always loved speaking to her, she had a way of making everything interesting, we could talk for hours and nothing but my rapidly draining phone credit could stop. "What'cha doing?" she asked in a cheeky way. "mmmm, Just thinking about you all day babe" I replied, trying to keep myself atleast sounding in control of things. she laughed softly and spoke in a voice I'd probley remember for years to come, "Im realy horny Jamie". Well now, if this girl was within 50ks I would have ran to her house myself, wiped the sweat off my brow, quickly accept my award for breaking the land speed record and invited myself into her room. This however, was not the case. "Help me do something about it" she asked me. This girl could not be denied such a request but I still rather shy about the whole idea of "Phone Sex", but as she started to moan I forgot all of that and spoke to her and said whatever I could. It was truely an experience and a half. But there was still one lingering problem....... When's the next phone call?

Mango's Party V2
This isnt exactly new information im giving out here people, BUT its midnight and sleeping doesnt seem like a good option, welcome to insomnia.

It was one of those nights, the kind of night that I'd look back apon and laugh and cry at the same time. Most peoples good weekends would start in the morning, have a nice breakfast, going out with the family maybe, going fishing, this however is not MY idea of a good weekend. My good weekends start at about 6pm with a car boot full of booze and smile on my face that everyone could clearly see a mile away. The night started as it generaly would, warnings from friends, a distressed mother pleading for the saftey of her house, this was normal.

To add a twist to an otherwise repeatative night, I had to be different, dressing up like a cowboy. The hat, the boots, the spurs, the gun, the shirt, i would have fitted into a Clint Eastwood movie without a glitch. I wasnt told that the party was a dress up but I assumed that they had just failed to tell me.

I got out of the car, spurs jingly like a quick draw match in a western movie, with alcohol in hand giggling like a school girl. The night was young, I was a cowboy and the women were plentiful.

I walked into the house, alcohol in hand. My friends loudly rejoiced " Jamie?! wheres the booze?!" they said in unison. "who cares?! ive got mine!" I said as i walked past them, holding my bottle proudly like a chalice. making sure a drop wasnt wasted.

The night progressed nicely, the alcohol had its usual effects, I was invunerable, I could have faught Mike Tyson and won in my mind. I thought everyone was hitting on me, including my same sex friends, in my mind I was a god.

All the girls there were models I thought to myself. I saw one girl, she was gorgeous, I am yet to see her sober but my friends confirmed this fact for me. With my eye set on the prize I decided to try and talk to her. "heyyourrealyprettyhowboutakissorsomethinghey?" Is all that managed to come from my mouth. She was not impressed with a drunk guy with the verbal ability of a toddler and breath that was quickly becoming a fire hazard, and she quickly blew me off.

"Dont worry" I thought to myself. "The night is still young... I mean... its only.... 2am!? .. I better do something and fast"
My plan of action was far worse than I could seriously contemplate in the morning. Verbaly abuse her friend. Not a good idea Jamie. Whats that? She's willing to let it slide? And she's being realy nice to you now Jamie? What should I do? Whilst the answer is blarlingly clear at this point in time. it wasnt at that moment and more verbal abuse ensued. The look of shear horror and what she said next I would remember forever. "YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE! I WAS GOING TO HOOK UP WITH YOU?!"

What a night......
Holes in the wall? one
Empty Bottles? Hundreds
Spur marks? Thousands
Leasons Learnt? 0

Love Revisited
It was that kind of night, where nothings happend and you can hear the sound of silence over the roar of dance music. I had broken up with someone who could have quite possibly been the girl I'd end up with the rest of my life but things have a habbit of crashing and burning. You might think I'm too young to make a decision like that but then I'd say you havent experienced love. The dice of fate had been rolled and snake eyes appear to shake up my life. My ex turned up. My first reaction? RUN! But I was in a good mood, I had an extra long weekend, my bank account was looking better by the week and my favorite song was on , so instead of running i decided to see what was happening. "He fucked me over!" She told me. She wanted a hug, I was relived in a way that she came to me first. That out of all her friends, family and pets it was me she came to first. "Well what did you expect? He's an arsehole" I told her quite calmly. We talked for hours but the conversation wasnt quite right, it was the type of converation you have with someone that you dont want to offend so you dont realy give away to much or offer your true opinion just incase you step on glass so to speak. Before I knew it, it was 11pm already and my bed had stopped it usual quiet comments of how good it'd would feel to sleep, to much more direct insults like "GET TO FUCKING BED JAMIE OR ILL BURN THIS WHOLE FUCKING HOUSE DOWN!" I took the bed's sutle comments seriously and decided to call it a night. Once again the dice of fate came up snake eyes. A kiss, a simple kiss but a kiss that brought back old feelings that I had forgotten, maybe on purpose. What started as small talk had progressed to a kiss.... now 2 kisses.
FUCK! I screamed, ratherly loudly, she heard me and turned towards her car as I muttered to myself how stupid I was. The Bed had lied, sleep did not come for hours.....

A going away present... For me
I think when we start at a new school or workplace we all have our periods of arkwardness. This is the time where you find out who are your real friends, who are the people you will hate and the people you will end up falling for. This period lasted longer than I thought it would when I started at my old school. I had moved from NSW and I wasnt sure what to expect. I made friends quickly but these were not the people I would end up becoming life long friends with. These people, strangely enough, turned into the people I would abuse verbaly and physicaly till the day I left. But, during this arkward stage there were some interesting storys. One of which was the day one of my friends left to go to NSW. We werent very close but we got along pretty well. To celebrate such an occasion she had a party. Her perants being strict insisted that the party was held early in the day till the early evening. "This is going to be the lamest party I will ever attend in my life" I thought to myself and I shared this thought amongst my friends at the time. I was unsure it I was going to attend an event with such a horrible outlook. I showed up at the party in the early morning, horribley drunk and wreaking of alcohol. I composed myself as best I could and entered the party. Only a few people where there so far but I began to socialise quickly. My current ex as there. She was dressed as an angel, the combonation of whisky, tosterone and her short skirt made her irresitable. We had broken up only a day before but she seemed more than interested as she hastefuly sat on my lap and whispered a few things into my ear. I began to finger this girl and Mango ran quickly outside to get a better look at all of this. We were both young, I dont blame him. Since this was happening infront of a building audience I thought somewhere more private like up against the front door was a better option. Things began to get abit more serious than that as I dragged my angel into a room, her halo quickly falling to the sidelines, trampled under the notions of oral sex. She began to give me head and as I orgasmed she failed to catch all of my cum in her mouth, leaving a few to many drops to hit my shirt. "FUCK!" I yelled with the little amounts of strength I had left. "Dont worry, I'll fix it" she said quickly as she retreated and came back with ice, of all things. She began to rub the ice across my stomach, creating a large wet patch on my shirt, masking the cum and making the whole situation less odvious. Sure, this would be a nice ending to the story but of course theres more. My angel's friend entered the room, my angel had quickly put the ice in her mouth to make it less suspicious. Now, my angels friend, Flora, was in her slutty stage of life, which seems to be an on going thing for this girl, seeing the ice my angel was sucking on, she thought it would be entertaining ( which it was ) for her to rub the ice on her nipples whilst my angel felt her up. Now, if you think about this right now, that ice she's sucking on has my cum on it. So my angel and now Flora have my cum in there mouth. Sure, this is interesting enough but theres always more. Mango, hearing my loud cheers at this sexual display unfolding infront of me, came into the room to get a look as well. He saw Flora rubbing the ice on her nipples and decided it would be a good idea to suck on the ice. Thats right, the ice with my cum on it. "Fuck, this is wrong I thought" but let him continue because I couldnt stop laughing at the whole scene. There should be more day time partys.