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By Myles Long
MIHOP Daily News Staff Writer
Saturday, February 9, 2003

(Harrisonburg, VA) According to recent reports from the US Departments of State, Defense, and Energy, local JMU student Nate Miller is in violation of several UN resolutions regarding the possession of weapons grade materials and the SALT-II and START treaties.

"I don't know what this is all about. I assure the world as well as the Dukes community that I have nothing to hide. However, any attempts to inspect or attack my suite will result in heavy casualties; you will burn eternally in a sea of fire, and your sons will come home in plastic bags."

When asked what the "sea of fire" could be referring to, suitemate Matt Kudla responded, "Yeah, that's no joke. Duke's has this new Crazy Taco place, and let's just say that brings the hardships of sharing a bathroom to hitherto unknown levels."

Nate Miller has a long history of disregarding contracts he has entered into. Whether it be his first grade reversal of demilitarization of the Alexander Henderson playground, or the discovery in fourth grade that he was in fact in possession of 10 grams of Uranium-238, Nate knows all about dishonesty.

"Screw this, I'm going to see Heather. You capitalist American dogs can burn in the wake of the almighty Miller Army."

"Well at least spray some Lysol before you go," replied Kudla. Indeed.