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By Dick Sargood
MIHOP Daily News Staff Writer
Sunday, February 2, 2003

(Harrisonburg, VA) Evidently, the GAYS are multiplying! Now, you may think that I’m talking about homosexuals, because I am one. But you are mistaken my friends. I’m not talking about fags (I can say that because I am a homosexual), I’m talking about a new non-profit organization, whose main goal is to confuse the hell out of people. Well, it worked for me, folks!

The GAYS, which stands for Gregarious Animals Yelling Stop, is a group of middle-aged, mainly minority fat men, which was founded in 1994 in Southwestern VA. I got the chance to speak with the president and founder of GAYS, an Asian-looking man named Geoff Hulsey. “I’m here to make people confused. That is my sole purpose in life. Since I was born, people have said that I look Asian. But I’m not! Therefore, since I was baffling people with regards to my ethnicity, why not have some fun having people ponder my sexuality.”

I immediately asked him, “Where did you come up with the acronym for your group?” Hulsey replied, “It was concocted by actual gay member of the GAYS, Donald Brownlee.”

Seeking out Brownlee, I was saddened to find that he was unavailable for questioning. I proceeded to ask Dan Cullen (who would look fabulous in drag) about Donald Brownlee. In my best female Asian voice, “Is he the GAY?” Cullen comically responded, “Well gee, Dick, I’m not sure if he’s THE gay…that’s a lot of pressure to put on one guy…having to do the parade all by himself.”

Oh, that Dan Cullen!

Meanwhile, all across America, the GAYS are multiplying. (Sigh) If they only weren’t trying to confuse people, then I might have a date. But, don’t be fooled by the rocks that I’ve got. I’m still; I’m still Dicky from the block!!

Editor's Note: Geoff Hulsey, leader of GAYS, also holds many positions in the MIHOP including Chairman of MIHOPUAC, Co-Chair of MIHOP shirt design and the Vice President of the JMU chapter of MIHOP. Donald Brownlee, concocter of GAYS, serves and the President of the UVA chapter of MIHOP and as the initial club founder and constitution writer. Both MIHOP UVA and MIHOP JMU reaffirm their policy to neither support nor discriminate against the opinions, preferences or actions of GAYS. No GAYS were harmed in the writing of this editorial.