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Drink this! Recent studies indicate that drinking one glass of orange juice every day can help fight against colon cancer and teen pregnancy. Lord knows we don't want that.
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| ___ Local News ___ Is He the Gay?
Evidently, the GAYS are multiplying! Now, you may think that I’m talking about homosexuals, because I am one... READ ON
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By Penis McBoobs
MIHOP Daily News Staff Writer
Friday, January 2, 2003
(Montclair, VA) The new year began on a dismal note for the people of Montclair, Virginia, as the community was rampaged by a small, purple, menace. What looked like nothing more than a novelty plush toy, held the Northern half of the community hostage for most of January 2nd. "I was too scared to leave my house in the morning," said Matt Kudla, much to the chagrin of those who hoped to spend sneak in some quality time with his hot sister. The creature bored holes in the sides of houses and ran amuck inside, and has bee blamed for at least five of the eight structure fires that occurred on the morning of the second. Local firefighters attempted to subdue the maleficent being by bombarding it with fire hoses, but this only seemed to anger it more. It ran through Waterway drive, causing a seven car accident (only minor injuries) and levelled countless trees.
However, many say that the most tragic event of the day was the eating of Nate Miller. Nate had been at the gym when the attacks began, and was therefore unaware of the chaos of his neighborhood. Unsuspecting, he ran home, where the purple thing jumped from the roof unto his back. Witnesses described what ensued as an "epic" struggle, which eventually climaxed when the purple thing ate Nate, head first.
Authorities suspect that the purple thing had confused the late Miller with a kitten, which it was sent to kill because of an epidemic of masturbation that occured on New Year's Day. The purple thing usually resides as Matt Kudla's buddy icon, and foul play has not been ruled out.
© 2003 MIHOP Daily News
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