45 Fun Elevator Activities
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of theelevator.
6. Shave.
7.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upsidedown.
9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
12. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at thebottom.
13. Do Tai Chi exercises.
14. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
16. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
17. Meow, occasionally.
18. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
19. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go!" then sigh and say "Oops!"
20. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
21. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
22.Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
23. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
24. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
25. Leave a box between the doors.
26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.
28. Start a sing-along.
29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
30. Play the harmonica.
31. Shadow box.
32. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
33. Lean against the button panel.
34. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
36. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space"
37. Bring a chair along.
38. Blow spit bubbles.
39. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
40. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
42. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
43. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
44. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
45. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything tutors, flash cards, special learning centers. In a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. She called him to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it. To her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiousity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!"
"Well, then," she asked, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Divine Golf
By Mary Ann W.
One day, Jesus and Moses are out on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.
So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."
So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"
No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!"

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
* Close your eyes and press escape three times.
* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
* Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
* Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
* Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
* This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."

A redneck comes into a lumber yard and approuches the clerk at the desk.
"Can I help you?" askes the clerk.
"Yes I would like some 2 times 4s" states the redneck.
The clerk asks him, "Don't you mean 2 x 4"s?"
The guy says, "I don't know, hang on and I'll find out," and he runs outside and talks to his buddies, comes back and says, "Yes, you're right, 2X4's."
"How many do you need?" asks the clerk?
"Oh, wait a minute," the guy says, and he runs outside and talks to his buddies, comes back and says, "About 200 should do it."
"How long do you want them ?" asks the clerk.
The redneck says, "I don't know, hang on and I'll find out," and he runs outside and talks to his buddies, comes back and says, "A long time, we're building a house!!!"

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