Colin DuBois
The Official Language of Europe
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan to develop what would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "C" will be dropped in favor of the "K". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "PH" will be replaced with the "F". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "E" in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the fourth yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with "Z", and "W" with "V".
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "OU", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubls of difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Back by Popular Demand... More Dumb Blonde Jokes

Q:What do you call an eternity?
A:Four Blondes at a four way stop.

Q:Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A:Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.

Q:What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A:You always hear about them but you never see them.

Q:What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A:"Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds."

Q:Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A:Because it said concentrate.

Q:Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A:They think their picture is being taken.

Q:Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A:They cannot find the eleven on the phone!

Q:What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A:Run like crazy, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q:How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A:There is whiteout all over the monitor.

Q:How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
A:Tell her the drinks are on the house.

Q:Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A:It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said "Oh, look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"

A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".
A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22".

Q:How do you drown a Blonde?
A:Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q:Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A:You have to hollow out the head.

Q:How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A:Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q:Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A:Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q:Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A:They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q:Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
A:They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

This one isnt me who is talking if you havent guessed already...
I have a "true" blond story for you. This really did happen... I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorthory.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. "Bimbette" (I really called her this for the rest of the time they were together and right to her face). Anyway, Bimbette said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it was not a real place. She laughed and said "it is too, it's where Batman lives".
I then laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain that, "he does not exist, why do you think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said "that is because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."

This cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two blokes were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."

Bill, Jim, & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

VOLUNTEER FIRE DEPARTMENT
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a nearby rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outrage."
"A power... A power outrage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer."

Is There ever an end to these dumb blonde Jokes....I hope not.

Three women escape from prison....one is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They run for miles until they come upon an old barn; they decide to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks.
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it......and she went "Bow-wow" so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.
Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went "Meow."
The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blonde said "Potatoes."

A very attractive Brunette visits the doctor and tells him "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Well", says the doctor, "explain your symptoms to me."
I hurt all over. When I touch my nose (she touches her nose) it hurts... when I touch my elbow (she touches her elbow) it hurts... when I touch my knee (she touches her knee) it hurts! What's wrong with me?"
"Hmmm" says the doctor. "Are you by any chance a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes I am."
"Well there you are... you have a broken finger."

A True Happy Ending!!!
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so!"

A rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy. After they have been flying together in silence for a while, the rabbi leans over and says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Chinese for what you did at Pearl Harbor."
The Korean looks shocked and replies, "What the hell are you talking about?!?!? It was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbor, not the Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!"
The rabbi says, " Korean, Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"
A little while later, the Korean man says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Jews for sinking the Titanic."
The rabbi looks confused and mad and says, "What are you talking about? The Jews didn't have anything to do with that! An iceberg sank the Titanic!"
The Korean guy replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, what's the difference?"

...Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER:
=====================================================
Dear Louanne Ellie Mae:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother...
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

The three bears come home from a walk and see Goldylocks eating their Porridge..but before they can do anyhing a panda rushes through the door, eats all three bowls of porridge, shoots Goldylocks and runs out the door.
The baby panda then askes his mother. "what was that mother?"
to which she replies,"that was a panda, go and look it up in a dictionary."
The baby bear looks up the word panda in the dictionary and finds this...
A native animal of China that eats shoots and leaves.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said....
"So why is the groom wearing black?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer -said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try to set a good example. Nothing worked. David yelled at the bird, and the bird only got worse. He even shook the bird, but the bird only got more angry and rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David stuck the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments, he heard the bird swawking and screaming and carrying on, and then---suddenly it was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot meekly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I have offended you with my language and behavior, and I ask for your forgiveness".
David was astounded at the bird's rapid change in attitude and was about to ask him what inspired such a drastic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly...from the sky...a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you...God?"
The voice replied, "NO, STUPID, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in 1st class and requested that she move because she only had an economy class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to cause a scene by arguing with a customer, the attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went and asked very politely if she would mind moving out of 1st class to the economy section of the plane.
The blonde repeated,"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and told the pilot the problem.
"Listen, I'm married to a blonde," said the pilot, "I know how to handle this."
He went and whispered something into the blonde's ear and she immediately jumped up from her seat and blazed a trail into economy class, muttering "Why didn't anyone say so before?"
The amazed attendant and co-pilot asked what on earth the pilot had said to make her move from her seat.
He answered,"I told her the 1st class section wasn't going to New York."

More Jokes...

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