Heres two jokes for blondes who hate dumb blonde jokes...
*Whats brown, black and blue and very bloody and lays in a ditch... a brunette that told too many dumb blonde jokes.
*Do you know why there are so many dumb blonde jokes in the world...Its because the others have alot of time on their hands saturday night while we steal their dates and are having fun

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

84 Ways to Tell if You're Hooked on the Net:
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to PM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd PM you.
9. You don't understand the humour in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
12. You walk into a room and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their age/sex.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should always be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?", you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
24. You know more about your on-line friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy, you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (on-line all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
29. You go into labour and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyber-boyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
32. You understand the humour in all of these jokes because you have committed them yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got on-line.
35. You sign on and immediately get 10 PM's from people who have you on their buddy list.
36. You have a map on the wall with LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are that you have met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you think "uh oh, cyber sex perv".
40. You go through "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one... If so, you've been hanging out in "strange" places).
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into chat welcome screen.
46. You wait 6 hours on-line for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
47. You don't know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more periods, while writing letters by hand.
49. Your relationship on-line has gone farther than any real one you have had.
50. You get up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room and 23 people greet you with {hugs} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL".
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to chat too and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
61. You dream in "text".
62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room and you're really bored.
64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote control.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for chat junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute and need to do something else and say "BRB" or "BBL".
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
70. You go into withdrawal during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech. Support room and ended up "giving" tech. support to other users.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
76. You know what a "snert" is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while there you "just wanted to see who was online".
78. You meet people from chat in public and you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they'd be on-line so you don't have to meet them in person.
81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
83. You have met over 100 chatters.
84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile, you ask for an age/sex/location check.

YOU MIGHT BE A HIGH-TECH REDNECK...
1. If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
2. If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
3. If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
4. If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson, the original point and click interface"
5. If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
6. If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT"
7. If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
8. If your wife said "You pick right now whether you want that computer or me," and you still don't miss her
9. If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
10. If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
11. If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
12. If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all"

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up in Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away. This way he knew that he would not accidentally meet anyone he knew from the parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, " You're not going to let him get away with this are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said," No, I guess not!"
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, " Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. And for year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a geenie. The geenie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"
So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone.
The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I miss my boyfriend, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The geenie says to her " my dear what is the matter,"
"I wish my friends were here"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelations 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."
_________________________________________________________
Rev. 3:20- "Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Gen. 3:10- "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

THE EXECUTION
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ...Aim!!
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ...Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."
The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"
The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver feltso awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the same road came along, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the manwhat was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can ontothe animal.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fiftyyards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this hovel?"
St. Peter says... "well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

NOAH IN MODERN TIMES
And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the vil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of everykind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark done, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So i had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has"

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, then what does a humanitarian eat?

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