Newspaper Ads-- As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers .
o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
o For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.
o 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
o Great Dames for sale.
o Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
o Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
o 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
o Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
o Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
o If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
o Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
o The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
o Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
o Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
o Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
o Stock up and save. Limit: one.
o Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
o We build bodies that last a lifetime.
o Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
o This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
o For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
o For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
o Man, honest. Will take anything.
o Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
o Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
o Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
o Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
o Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
o Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
o Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
o Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
o 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
o Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
o Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
o Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
o See ladies blouses. 50% off!
o Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
o Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
o Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume generalhousekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
o Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
o Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
o Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
o And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,unrivaled inconvenience.
o We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
o Guitar for Sale: No strings attached.

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

President Clinton and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Clinton told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Clinton was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Clinton asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was President Clinton's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?"
To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you."
Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."
The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up Deloris!"
The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30."
His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."
And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen Deloris, I told you to SHUT UP!"
The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?" To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."

Cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

Let's face it: English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault-the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up".
The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up".
The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up".
When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He laughed and replied I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod.

Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's going to stall.The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that will take care of the problem."
The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could be something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem."
The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It could be that we've too many windows open. Let's close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Hilary Clinton all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on his throne. God asks Al: "What do you believe?"
Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."
God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"
Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Hilary, what do you believe?"
Mrs. Clinton says: "I believe you're in my seat."

In the Beginning...
God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action lawsuit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began His earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light," and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that He would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, and would have the light off about half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light "DAY" and the darkness "NIGHT." Officials replied that they were not interested is semantics.
God said, "Let the earth produce vegetation and plants bearing seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was okay until God said He wanted to complete the project in SIX days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statements. After that there would be a series of public hearings. Then there would be 10 to 12 months before...
AT THIS POINT GOD CREATED HELL!!!!!

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!" There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward.
Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL."

A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything. Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy answers the phone in whispering voice ...
[barely audible] Hello!
(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) O.K., is your mommy home?
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?
[barely audible] "No."
(Operator) "Why not?"
[barely audible] "Because she's busy!"
(Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?"
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?"
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?"
[barely audible] "Because he's busy too!"
(Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Talking to the police."
(Operator) "Oh, so the police are there?"
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) "Can I speak to one of them?"
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) "Why not?"
[barely audible] "Because they are really busy."
(Operator) "Well, what's your mom busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Talking to the firemen."
(Operator) "Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?"
[barely audible] "No."
(Operator) "Well, goodness, why not?"
[barely audible] "Because they are really busy too!"
(Operator) "Well, what are all of these people busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Looking for me!"

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Think about this one carefully...
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife"

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.
"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

More Jokes...