laying it all on the line
Mood:  sad
lets see whats new.... yea i am sad.... this is turning into a blog of nothing but bitching..... but hey where else am i going to fucken rant... got no good friends i can talk to.... i do but they are 5200 kms away..... so yea... whats new...... been thinking alot lately about my past.... past relationships more so...... come to find out i was in how u say LOVE 4 times..... bev jessica amber and shawna..... now i took a deeper look at these then... bev well 2 year.... but she was older.. found out screwing around on me.... but i never had the feeling of the relationship going further..... so she is out..... now jessica... that was something like 3 months.. but in those 3 months wow.... alot happens... fell fast.... shit... i was suprised... from ONT though... that should explain alot..... but she didn't want to live in a trailer... well that was my future plans... story pending... or just fucken ask.... pretty stupid really... now... AMBER... that was WOW..... i feel in love with her from a dam picture... what can i say.... then we met.... fuck.... what the hell happened there.... it was awsome for oh lets say 18 months... then the last 6 months or so went to fuck.... dont know what the fuck happens but i have no regrets what so ever in that... hell we lived together with her daughter and all.... i actually loved ALL that shit.... but wrong timing i guess.... and now shawna.... what the hell can i say there... i was so dam persistent with her.. meeting her getting to know her... then poof we were together.... temp lived with her for a bit with her 2 kids.. everything was going awsome. i could see some future with us... then it went to shit fast..... almost as fucken fast as we met and got close.... guess that was my own stupidity....come to find out she was bored with me and had to find the happiness else where ..... a so called friend of mine... NICE eh......where am i going with all this ... well anyone who might come across this horse shit babbling on i call a blog.... well..... i have come to the conclusion that my life is set in the path it is going to go... i worked hard for my training in what i do.. my career is taking off like a wild fire in california.... and well my love life going anywhere just like always... find someone things go great.. i treat them like a million bucks then poof they either cheat on me.... me of shit i dont do.... or just find some stupid excuse why they dont want to be with me.. but its looking like the cheating part rules so what is my remedy of all of this..... jump in 2 feet first and come out punching..... if someone is left standing guess they might be the one..... i am fucken 30 years old... no kids.. dont smoke... good job... like wtf..... what is it so difficult to find someone that wants to enjoy being with me... but noooooo its all about who they can fuck... how much they can get outa the next guy i mean money.... and all about the drama.... see me.... i give a rats fucken ass about that shit..... i just NEED.. yea u read it right.. need someone to sit by my side.. listen to my hopes dreams.. .. history everything about me.. cause as of right now i have so much to offer.. i am ready to settle down been ready for years now... prob when i had met amber.... i new... the whole bar scene for me... running around meeting women taking them home.. not for me... gawd... just nice to have someone call up and say hey.... i love you.... and hear the silence on the other end cause they know you mean it and a faint whisper back.. love you to.... really that is all i need.... yup need.... i have my family... and they getting any younger.... dads 65 mom is 60 and i dont know how much longer ill have them around..... all i can do is pray they can be there if at all it does happen the day i can stand at the end of the isle while the women i love comes walking down to me.... i have made some big steps in my life and i know my folks are proud of me.... made a move to better my self mentally and finacially and now all i need is to find someone that can better my self for LIFE.... how come we look back on our parent and grand parents and say oh they were together for 25 and up years .. awww... but now fuck people cant stay together for more than 6 fucken months.... like wtf..... always looking for something better..... me no.. i can adapt to the one i love in more way than i know.... i love being the family man.. i love having kids around.... watching them grow up..... and what not but fuck..... dam near to atain... i know not that approachable of a guy.. i dont smile much i know.. i try my hardest.. maybe i can get some surgery for that haha.... all i say is give me 3 nights of your time u will find out more about me than u will the average in 6 months....i am not looking for a super model.... i am not looking for a sugar .. give a rats ass if we lived in a dam tent ... i just want to be happy... happy with the one i am with.. knowing i can talk to her when ever i feel i need to and want her to know the same in return.... i want to be able to say hey..... and they just look at me and say ... i love you to with out having to say it... i am a deep and person.... given a little bit of time people can see that... i herd every fucken line in the book when i was with someone... i will fight to keep you... i will never let u go.... i want to die beside you..... all fucken lies..... i want someone that can look me in the eye..... not say a word..... and then know everything will be ok.... and the future looks great...... well i think that is enough ranting and bitching for this day..... time to try and get a move on.. get some ambition and do something with my life...
good bye my pasts
Ry