Mood:  crushed out

So I'm out of the running for presenter of the year. Hah! To put it bluntly I was asked to leave for apt reasons as well as dubious ones. Made me think of my own capabilities in this field. Honestly, I'm not really good at what I do. Or am I at this level because I am at my last legs in this current world and that I don't seem to care too much anymore? The last career hurrah still has to be done. So I've got to buck my career trend and do well at this one for it is the only avenue left.

But that's not why I'm posting this post...

So, the whole grand one last romance, all the odds stacked in my favour and go out guns blazing with minimal heartbreak and 100% cool nostalgia sipping some golden goodness with a silky Cuban facing the Pacific Ocean and a sunset - all in the balance now it seems. This one last romance has just caught be off guard because the ball is in her court - right from the get go. And me, stupid enough, went on to say game on, because I thought I could control the flow. As time passed, the glaring fact that was present right from the start became clearer even to my blinded eyes. The fact that I was not in control, that I am doomed to be shafted (royally might I add) sat staring in my face. I was faced with the ultimate Catch 22. Leave it and be screwed emotionally, hold on and get screwed emotionally. Gee... option three guys? Nope, none, zilch.

How did I get myself into such a predicament? Simple. Pure ego. The ego that has told me that women will always see me as a tier one. That if they lose me, it will somewhat hurt them greatly because they let a good looking good thing pass by. God was screaming in my head and heart that something was not right though it was supposed to be bliss. The warning signs were all there - waking up to a wonderful morning after a romantic night and yet still unable to shake off the sense of foreboding lingering around my heart, the uneasy thoughts that swirled in my head throughout the day. God was telling me, reminding me, that I knew how this was going to end. Reminding me of my own end that I foresaw. He was saying save yourself from the greater heartache and live with the lesser great heartache that you are doomed to have. Dream on about the beautiful house by the Pacific Ocean with the beautiful drink and cigar reminising the lovely moments of your earlier life that has passed for the remaining portion of my life - my beautiful loneliness, if you want to ever see a way of describing it.

Why do I always cling on to false hope? Why do I cling on to someone that says "If we are still together then, we will ..."? Why do I hold on to someone that only is living selfishly for the moment with me as a rebound (not her fault and although she claims she's not sure, I'm sure she knows)? Once her recovery is complete, so will be her time with me. God has made that clear to avoid that but yet foolishly I still hope on. But then, I have always been stupid haven't I? Rightfully or wrongly, I've always been stupid for all the women that have come and gone in life. That's my destiny I guess...

So, the epiphany just struck me earlier today, that I am a tier 2.5 or 2 at best. Perhaps my final punishment on this earth for treating my earlier relationships badly before I am to embark on my final journey quietly. They say that qualities sustain the relationship and not the looks, but I beg to differ. If it is the qualities that make the person like the partner more physically, then what happens when another turns up with more perfect values and the ideal looking type? Then it's an immediate loss for me. It's a losing battle that I am supposed to cut my losses and move on. But I still can't. I want to make her love me. Be crazy about me. But that's just now possible. So the only way left is to create an incredible crescendo and then leave. That way she could possibly realise how much I actually mean to her... But you know what? The reality of it is that she wouldn't care after awhile. Friends and all will tell her "see I told you so". So the best course of action? Just disappear suddenly one day and cut off all contact. Grieve like the person does not exist anymore and then say goodbye to this place as soon as possible. Say the silent goodbye and silent sorry - both the most heartfelt but never accepted, and then, go into the night.

Soon... Everything will come to an end and my role will be complete and then, my heart will be closed for good.