Mood:  don't ask

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, otherwise known as the art of self shafting. As if getting shafted is not good enough, there is a further step called self shafting. I guess as I get older, I lose my sense of form (as I would call it) when it comes to communicating with a girl. Desperation? Admittedly, maybe... Lack of energy? Possibly... Resigned to paying my dues to God? Ah yes, most definitely. I suppose I am just human aren't I? God probably debilitated me in my abilities once he had fulfilled his end of the bargain. Jeez, payment's a bitch but I'll pay up (man of honour, that's why God agreed to the bargain. he wouldn't have agreed to most of you sods out there..). But then again, me being myself, am stalling and like I mentioned, still being human. I suppose one of God's most consistent tests is the test of faith - putting one's aspirations at peril or temptation (hey God's capable of that too - he taught the devil that trait). And, good Lord, I'm faltering here. But I guess the silver linings in this are these: 1) I was never denied the chance and taste of glory landing or going out with some of the best women and 2) I'm screwing up not because I never had it, but because I have been stripped of my prowess. Think of 2) as a sort of passage prepping me for the payment of my dues. The long road to cleansing and giving back is going to be a rough one but I guess I'll get used to it..

The series of double whammies (screw up on second chances) has been phenomenal in the last couple of years. Put the three possibilities mentioned above and there you go, the main reason for screwing up. I only think after I say or write. Sometimes, it just never occurs to me to say the right thing. The world is made in such a way that it is never about the best intentions but the phrasing of those intentions. The good news is that I'm reaching a point where I don't care. Now it is at a point where I almost don't care. Almost. Hence the problem. The bloopers are hilarious but they somewhat still hurt knowing I used to be able to do better.

Doesn't help that I'm quite broke too at the moment and I'm going to leave for a better place. It'll be a quiet goodbye. Not quite the stylish ending that I was looking forward to (one last visit to the museum, to SMU, to some estates and finally the grave of my best friend) before sriding off into the lovely sunset to elysium. I will have my elysium. Just not tomorrow. Not yet but hopefully. But lovely or not, the sun has set for my abilities and all that's left is for it to set on the time I have left. 

Mood:  crushed out

So I'm out of the running for presenter of the year. Hah! To put it bluntly I was asked to leave for apt reasons as well as dubious ones. Made me think of my own capabilities in this field. Honestly, I'm not really good at what I do. Or am I at this level because I am at my last legs in this current world and that I don't seem to care too much anymore? The last career hurrah still has to be done. So I've got to buck my career trend and do well at this one for it is the only avenue left.

But that's not why I'm posting this post...

So, the whole grand one last romance, all the odds stacked in my favour and go out guns blazing with minimal heartbreak and 100% cool nostalgia sipping some golden goodness with a silky Cuban facing the Pacific Ocean and a sunset - all in the balance now it seems. This one last romance has just caught be off guard because the ball is in her court - right from the get go. And me, stupid enough, went on to say game on, because I thought I could control the flow. As time passed, the glaring fact that was present right from the start became clearer even to my blinded eyes. The fact that I was not in control, that I am doomed to be shafted (royally might I add) sat staring in my face. I was faced with the ultimate Catch 22. Leave it and be screwed emotionally, hold on and get screwed emotionally. Gee... option three guys? Nope, none, zilch.

How did I get myself into such a predicament? Simple. Pure ego. The ego that has told me that women will always see me as a tier one. That if they lose me, it will somewhat hurt them greatly because they let a good looking good thing pass by. God was screaming in my head and heart that something was not right though it was supposed to be bliss. The warning signs were all there - waking up to a wonderful morning after a romantic night and yet still unable to shake off the sense of foreboding lingering around my heart, the uneasy thoughts that swirled in my head throughout the day. God was telling me, reminding me, that I knew how this was going to end. Reminding me of my own end that I foresaw. He was saying save yourself from the greater heartache and live with the lesser great heartache that you are doomed to have. Dream on about the beautiful house by the Pacific Ocean with the beautiful drink and cigar reminising the lovely moments of your earlier life that has passed for the remaining portion of my life - my beautiful loneliness, if you want to ever see a way of describing it.

Why do I always cling on to false hope? Why do I cling on to someone that says "If we are still together then, we will ..."? Why do I hold on to someone that only is living selfishly for the moment with me as a rebound (not her fault and although she claims she's not sure, I'm sure she knows)? Once her recovery is complete, so will be her time with me. God has made that clear to avoid that but yet foolishly I still hope on. But then, I have always been stupid haven't I? Rightfully or wrongly, I've always been stupid for all the women that have come and gone in life. That's my destiny I guess...

So, the epiphany just struck me earlier today, that I am a tier 2.5 or 2 at best. Perhaps my final punishment on this earth for treating my earlier relationships badly before I am to embark on my final journey quietly. They say that qualities sustain the relationship and not the looks, but I beg to differ. If it is the qualities that make the person like the partner more physically, then what happens when another turns up with more perfect values and the ideal looking type? Then it's an immediate loss for me. It's a losing battle that I am supposed to cut my losses and move on. But I still can't. I want to make her love me. Be crazy about me. But that's just now possible. So the only way left is to create an incredible crescendo and then leave. That way she could possibly realise how much I actually mean to her... But you know what? The reality of it is that she wouldn't care after awhile. Friends and all will tell her "see I told you so". So the best course of action? Just disappear suddenly one day and cut off all contact. Grieve like the person does not exist anymore and then say goodbye to this place as soon as possible. Say the silent goodbye and silent sorry - both the most heartfelt but never accepted, and then, go into the night.

Soon... Everything will come to an end and my role will be complete and then, my heart will be closed for good. 

Mood:  incredulous

You know the number of times I've gotten shafted recently has been off the charts. I mean hell, the total number just managed to exceed the combined total for the last decade in just the span of a year. And I keep asking myself the damned questions: how bad can it be? can't get worse than this can it? Good lord I mean how much of a douchebag of a mofo can I be. Oh jeez, I bet that's gonna turn into the next golden question.

So on to better things (or so I think). The list of how to patch up my god damned hurt self. Well, its got to be the goodbyes. I think to myself, if there's one thing that I've got still in me, it's got to be the dramatic factor. That's the only killer ammo left in me. All else has been shot to hell, don't ask why (oh wait, you should know why). Goodbyes without a chance for response from the other party. One that jabs them at the side and they'll continue to bleed at it for quite awhile. I've done this once before to a lovely girl whom I once had feelings for but only did it at a time when my feelings for her had dissipated. So it was done to maximum effect - she still felt the effects years later and it was only through my good graces that I closed that wound up for her. Now ain't that swell - years people, years... So how do I replicate that effect when I've just got shafted or in the midst of being shafted. That means my fragile feelings are still in play and that tends to put a damper on the intended form. You see this one sided goodbye thing needs the most important factor - form. A nonchalant hard hitting arrow right to the side. And when in doubt, can end disatrously. The years have taught me many things and now at the grand old age of ahem... I have nearly mastered the art. So that's what I'm going to do. Rack up a list (well it ain't that big anyway) of these people and then fire away. Imagine poignant and causing massive internal trauma.

Ok in the next post, how I'm coping with workplace douchebags who think I'm a douchebag when they are asswipes and asshats. 

Mood:  down

Moving on from the previous heartache, I managed to find myself a new one. I just had to open my big fat mouth and ask: can't I find someone that's similar to the previous interest without the impossible constants. Guess what, God is great. He gave me one and managed to show me how incapable I am (1) and how impossible it is for me from a non personal variable standpoint (2). I mean seriously, how much douche I have in me wasn't apparent until I had to ask how much..

So lovely young girl, not attached, smart, cheery and sweet as hell. Oh and with a friendly disposition too - willing to listen and all. How good can it get right? Well, even better. She takes to me, does have some liking (or so I think) for me. We go out for lunch, have a massively interactive and wonderful conversation (which I probably fucked up here and there hence the ensuing heartache). Honestly, it could have still gone my way until my vehicle broke down and I could not send her back. While the calling of the emergency vehicle and the mild fracas on my part happened, it was all jovial (so it seemed). It was then she decided to take a bus on her own off and that was when the rot started.

A few texts far and between seemed fine and then suddenly radio silence. A simple "I don't want to be disturbed now" would have sufficed as the 'leave me alone, thanks for the wonderful lunch but due to your aspirations I've heard, I don't think you'd be good for me hence gd luck but really.. wonderful lunch'. Oh but no. It had to be a curt talk to you later that I was left to figure out.

So here's the deal: I don't know what to think or what to do now. I just want this feeling out of my system so that I can move on but it's nagging me. It's the feeling of 'you know you had it in your hands but then you managed to screw it up not once, but many times in that window of chance'. And the kicker is, I keep doing this thing over and over again. I guess that I have really lost my edge in this game. Perhaps its God giving me sterner reminders that my days in this game are over. But how I wish he'd take that weakness of mine to feel so deeply and then I'd strive better in His cause.

Unfortunately, God is not going to do that until I breathe my last. So I'm not going to look to the stars and ask why but instead avoid these things at all costs. But first things first, I have to get over this really down and depressive period. It'll take time but I hope it's not to late before it further eats away at me. 

Mood:  blue

It's always got to be blue ain't it. No reprieve, no mercy, only sacrifice.

So I've managed to wiggle my way outta this crap-end job and made my way back into a better world. Though the prospects do seem a lot better, time will only tell if my life will get better. But here lies the problem - the equation to my life that God had set for me. I'm a staunch believer in God despite my endless worldly shennenigans. That's because I have God in my heart in whatever I do, both for good or worse. So each equation has a unique deal attached to it, sort of a price if I had to describe it. Quite simply, this means that per good event that happens, a certain price or something has to be given back in lieu of the benefit that the good reaps on one.

In my case, the price has always been love - something that I have learned to accept as the years passed by. It stings just the same but its like a suffering that I've come to expect.

Thus a new job and being part of a new fraternity for the price of the best smile I have seen in my life. Not a bad deal you might think. Personally, I'm rather cut up about it. So I pause and think: If I trade my newly acquired positions for that best smile, would I be happy?

Yes. Quite positively, yes.

Back to reality, its not really a choice I was given anyway, was it? It's just something God decided for me - what is best for me. Why? That's because I don't seem to know what is, well, best for me. So God, in all his graciousness, steps in to decide on my behalf. I suppose this is my reward for believing and understanding him in a far more profound way than most people. It is for my own good against my desires (which will not do me any good to follow). So the next question would be: why can't I follow my desires and have good come out of it?

Men have always been born limited. The limits of a single human varies from one individual to the next. To each human, there are varying degrees of fulfilment that can be achieved. Maximum fulfilment can be singular or multiple depending on capabilities and other variables. However desired fulfilment need not necessarily correspond with capable fulfilment abilities. This is where the issue lies. In other words, we tend to want the things we cannot have. To put it more clearly, we cannot achieve those desires not because we can't but because our limitations and corresponding external variables do not allow it. This complex set up is not and can not be fully understood by most, unfortunately.

So this is where God steps in and helps. It tends to hurt because when desires are not met, despair usually follows to varying degrees but understanding of this concept allows the individual to come to terms with the allowed level of fulfilment in life.

In my case, it has become painfully obvious as to what I can and cannot achieve. It is neither a tragedy or otherwise. It is just a fact. God set it up and left my will to figure it out. But his grace allowed me to fail and him pick me up and guide me to my purported end. All that is left now is to come to terms with this. I am not nearly there. It still hurts as hell I tell you but I'm trying.

So even if I can't give anything but love, who cares correct? She's not going to care. No one will, really. I should not but I still do. Until I can get over this, I'll still be seeing your smile and still be wishing that I could trade my gain for that smile, in vain. 

Mood:  blue

You guys ever heard the song 'You Don't Know Me'? Well its this 1955 classic written by Eddie Arnold and Cindy Walker. Ray Charles made it famous and hundreds of artists have sang it. But how many people have lived its lyrics? Millions I presume. But does one hurt more than the other? Possible, yet impossible. The hurt experience always differs one way or the other but the magnitude at that very moment upon realisation of how hopeless the situation is - now that part I believe that all those who have experienced it will blink hard at that realisation and the slow, sick, painful feeling will hit. And boy does it hurt.

People said that you should have tried. Without trying you would never know. But what if I can already see the end without having to try? Then what? It hurts more than anything else I tell you. I have gone through this once or twice in my life. Like the girl, so much. Seeing her everyday has the song Fascination being sung by the great Nat King Cole playing in my head. They say you can never judge a book by its cover but somehow for this one I know. I just know. Its like one of those lost fantasies from years ago of that really beautiful older girl I knew but never got a chance to talk to. But people, unlike the lyrics of Fascination where 'fascination turns to love', mine would more aptly be 'fascination turning to despair'.

The way she looks at you - I just can't tell her interest because it is almost fleeting yet intense gaze. Its just impossible to get rid of that image from my head. And the smile, which is half inviting half smirking combined with that deep gaze just makes me keep thinking about her. I tell myself I want to stop. I honestly want to stop but I just cannot. Its whispering me on like a siren's melody. You might be thinking why not? I'll tell you why not..

That is because such a girl is not mine to take. No, I can never take her even if I desired because her heart will not waver from where it already is. Its like trying to lay siege to an impregnable fortress without siege weapons. The devotion to the other is deeply etched in her heart, I can see. I can tell. There is no victory in this one for trying will only bring about akwardness, hate and avoidance on her part. I have tethered on attempting (such is my nature because my heart can't help it - it's foolish as usual) but have so far managed to pull myself back.

It started off with a foolish glance, a handshake in the lift, the unexpected email from her and then my foolish yearning just amplified to levels of stupidity never seen before. You know, I never learn my lesson and I think I never bloody will. My heart truly rules my mind. It cannot rest with patience for it is impatient to find and experience the passion.

I can tell that her initial interest has waned. I have fallen into that trap where I am sucked in by initial curiousity mistaking it for real interest but now my novelty has worn out in her eyes. Only tiresomeness remains. The right thing to do is back off and don't do anymore but this stupid heart still insists! How to now? Thankfully, there is thing in my head somewhere that says I should end this Fascination.

Anyway by today I can tell that she has ceased any inkling of interest and future contact will be purely cordial. So just now, I decided to see her walk off one last time and disappear into the background. Tomorrow, my heart will still ache and for a long time it will but the mind will be switched off from any more hope that comes along with it. 

Onto a new day...

I now leave with the song that says it all about my situation. It happened once, it will happen again. 

You Don't Know Me:

You give your hand to me
And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me

I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Well you don't know me

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so

Cause you don't know me 

No you'll never know,

The one who loves you so,

No, you don't know me.

Well M, you will never know me. I wish you love. 

Mood:  crushed out

For the last 9 months, it has been a rollercoaster ride for me for my career which was careening down to oblivion. The only thing holding everything together was her. Ironically, it was a relationship that was careening down the same path - I knew it but yet denied it because of the beauty it brought to my life like none other. Such pain that only such beauty can bring.

The woman whom I have loved the most in life, has finally left me over something small but accumulated. Ironically again, it is something that I have improved myself in terms of character - be nice, forthcoming, do eveything straightforward and good - which has been good to me and our relationship. But one slip up and all the bad memories flowed back to her like a rush. It overwhelmed her and now she is no more. Her heart has shut itself from me. Even if it reopens, it never opens the same again. I have made so many stupid mistakes in life but it  looks like the more I love, the more painful the effects of these mistakes.

My love has been true for her. I have only myself to blame but as much as I want to say no regrets, it is full of regret. The hurt can never fully heal for me. The beautiful memories for me will only serve as hurt. The more beautiful, the greater the pain. This is because of my deal with God - that I asked to experience what I truly want in love but I will have to pay the ultimate price in return which is the sacrifice of that love to return everything to God. To live everyday hurting without my love and giving back and singing God's good name for the rest of my life. I only pray that heaven has a place for my parents after my sacrifice and maybe a small corner for me near the doorstep of heaven for this. What a penalty. What a price. All I will do is to do God's bidding for my time left in this life and pray that the end will come soonest.

Most lost loves, you move on from, some lost loves you never forget but only one lost love you will always love.

Mood:  sad

Remember the lyrics to the song This Foolish Heart? Well, let's put it this way, I did it again. Rushing into something excitedly, knowing the dangers that lay ahead, saying what I wanted to say too fast and too soon. And then it all ends too fast... so fast and too soon.

She was wonderful. Beautiful. Sweet. Had the most wonderful smile. Sexy and charming. How I wished that just for once my happy arms could hold her while having her heart next to mine. Sigh... Such is my fate yeah? Finishing 2nd or worse or like this time, false started. Its a sickening feeling, almost nauseating that just doesn't go away.

What was I to her? Slightly more than a friend who was getting there but screwed it up with some stupid words (as usual). Will she miss me? Nope because her anger and switch off switch was activated (her defence mechanism) so I was automatically relegated to oblivion. Now here's the best part: Did I ask her what exactly went wrong? No. Why? Because I was afraid that by her saying it out, she would really shut the door (in my deluded mind she had not totally shut it but we all know she already did). So in the end who was the loser? Me. Only me.

The irony is this. The song this Foolish Heart is for her but doing good on learning about this Foolish Heart. For her it was once. For me, this is the last. Thank you and goodbye.

Mood:  crushed out

9/10 to 8/10 to 6/10 and sometimes a 5. I have no one else but myself to blame. I knew I could never match up to the standard of her past love and had wanted to say goodbye many times before - it is such hell living in second place you know.. Somehow, my deepest feelings always held steadfast and ironically hastened my downfall. When the bell finally tolls on my time with her, my depression will take a plunge like never before, probably hastening my departure from this reality.

Somehow, I could never relay to her what I really want her to know but yet wait - maybe she knew! But I guess my feelings were viewed as selfish and childish. Ah, I guess I never will know, will I? Ever since the last few months with her unhappiness towards me, quickly and subconsciously dissolved her feelings for me. Right now, I can see that she is only convincing herself to go away. And I know that even if I save it, things will never be the same again.

Love never returns, it only goes away..

Mood:  crushed out

So, here we are again. Same place, same time, same old sad story. But before we begin, I'd like to say that most of us here know what love is. At least from the different angles of it. Some willingly change their angles, while others stick steadfastly to their enduring definitions of it. But at the end of the day, it is that great warm fuzzy feeling that flutters in your heart when your mind defines it. Then, what you end up doing for your loved one would be endless. In a stream of endless gifts, meetings and acts of love. Ah, yes... acts of love. Herein lies the problem. Since love is defined differently, then perceptions of acts of love will differ and even a clear understanding on the other's part does not guarantee acceptance or reciprocity.

 Thus, here I am again. Getting screwed over for something stupid I meant to do but yet would not do if the person did not want it but yet construed it as a part of my character that is not acceptable but then again is not my character. Haha! Really bad English statement but that really sums up my feellings and the situation. How bad can it get. Oh, just very bad. I met up with a long lost love who has been through much as I have. Everything wonderful except the screw ups that I make are determined as signs of incompatibility. But you see, that kind of perception is something that you cannot change in another person. Sigh..

 How I love her so, she knows but never the full extent. She will never understand some of the acts of love that I have given and done because she perceives those acts as a lesser degree to her definition. But by my simple mind, those are the greatest and I know not how else to show it. And you know what the best part is? In doing such acts, I commit the gravest of mistakes to her definition. I know why I always remain an 8/10 or 9/10 (max)... It hurts but I guess that's still better than nothing at all. After the recent incident of the ultimate gesture, I should think it has plunged further. More likely the end I see. Stay positive, don't be negative are only seen to me as mere frivolous consolations. I have seen reality and I perceive it clearer than most people. One of my greatest strengths and also an achilles heel.

But I'm one of the knights of the old order. In the face of imminent death, one last glorious moment (stupid, pointless and unneccesary to most people these days), one last act of chilvary shall I do. In this case, one last act of love. It will be meaningless and pointless and serve only to hasten her declining opinion of me but it is the only way I know for the imminent end is at hand. I will embrace it and go out in glory. Then after that, only the fields of solitude and desolate plains await to live out the few remaining moments of my wretched existence. But at least, for those final moments, it will be in peace...