March March March
Hee..
Guess wat, i had a wonderful msg tis morning from sis. She said that papa Yu now allows us to drive to sch! hehe.. thanx to xiao shenshen n xiao shushu.
Not sure how they manage to talk papa Yu over BUT in any case, tis is GREAT news!!!

Yah... as usual, i overslept n din go for ME tut. Damn.. its time i get serious into going for ME tut. Next wk shall be e wk!! =P
I feel alright now... at least not as emotional. Try to think less of it... Think its working too. But when im alone, it gets into me again BUT not that much lah.. Juz wanna have him around...

Sis came over to pick me up fr sch together w aunt n uncle... So exciting!
Went dinner at long beach. All seafood!!! quite sianz of it leh.. coz i dun really eat seafood!! but e dessert is nice (too full to appreciate it though). hee...

Got back extra "old woman's pie" fr home to give james. Not sure if he would come over later anot. Waiting for his call now..
Hope he turns up, will be disappointed if he doesnt actually.. BUT then again.....
yah!!!! REALITY EXISTS!!!

I will try to live back my normal, cheery life once again... Give me abit of time..

=P

TiMe 2 rEtUrN 2 ReALiTy...
Wake up!!! wake up!!!!!
im awake now n i still feel sadz when i think of it.
James is my 1st passenger!! Drove march to suntec on sunday
Went out for dinner at fiesta using e voucher thing. Talked alot n he said he got his air tix already... Was really disappointed. *Jealous*..
NO.. it shld be envious instead.. Envious that she has james' heart n he so loves her...

Went Nus for a drink again..
After driving back home, she called him fr aust. Could hear that he was really happy. Sat at e playround n i started to tear... din wanna disturb their conversation so waited till he called me.
He finally told me who SHE is... JY. WAT?!?! its her?? yah.. i was surprised! Shocked even... Sigh...
Talked alot abt he n her.. him n me. She n bf..

ITs a 2 person game n me n JY's bf are e reserves.
Told him i felt like a backup (which i really do) but he forbid me to feel that way coz he says he really dun think that way. He says he like me more than alittle. BUT still.. he's heart is going out to her... He's flying over... he told me to pick him up fr e airport when he returns.. BUt eventually he dun want me to coz he dun want me to feel sadz in case they get attached.
*cried*

So much we talked abt, e idae/impression i got was that he loves her more over me. Despite how much he feels she's not worth it n she's playing a game, he still so willingly wanna be responsible n want her as gf. He doesnt want me to wait too coz he says its painful
*cried*

He told me not to let others bully me.
He said that if anyone bullys me, look for him (but he's e biggest bullier as of now. Bully my feelings i have for him)
He told me not to anyhow look for a bf juz for coy.
Realised that im alwaz been bullied by ppl.. harmless or intend
-malay guy (intend)
-sec sch frens (harmless but sometimes hurting)
-daniel (dunno)
-uni frnes (harmless but sometimes hurting as well)
-weiyuan
-Jerk (needless to say rite)
-yee ann (intend)
-sena (harmless but i do get scared)

Made him stay for e nite w me... Kissed, hugged. Felt so happy then, din zzz coz i dun want morning to come.
Wanna hug him so closely
wanna feel his face n kiss him
wanna see how handsome he looks when he zzz..
wanna juz hear his breathing
wanna see how he "flicks" occasionally.

Morning came anyhow n he told me i muz forget him n stuff. It hurts..
he said i will still be his special fren, i will still be someone he cares for, someone he will ask out for dinner etc...
*cried*

he says that i dun really love him. Its juz that he's avaliable n stuff.. He says that our timing is wrong.
Blame on timing
Blame on e Bangkok trip
Blame that i wasnt active enuff..
Blame watever doesnt matter anymore..
I lost
*cried*

Im not sadz that i lost to JY.. im upset because he does like me abit too. BUT....
Watever...

Guess its time to return to reality..
REALITY is : We will alwaz reamin as special frens n thats all...
*cried*

i wanna go home!

Crazy tots
Went for movie w james yesterdae.
Watched HomeRun.. A really nice show (surprise huh coz its a local production). Starting to show respect to Jack Neo though e story doesnt come fr him. Watever...

James accompany me to NTUC to buy stuff and he said something abt being upset last yr due r/s again.
I asked who n he said "My OG one lor.. My freshie...."
I juz froze for a moment n brush it off.. So james really had feelings for me before. Could have guessed actually.
Went to his house to get e present he got for me in Thailand n looked at his photos! ITs amazing how his face remains e same throughout e yrs!Thats wat ppl call "baby face" huh.. =P

Aniwae, after that, we went NUS area to eat dinner n chat alot abt his r/s, mine, car, etc... He kept talking abt e gal n how he misses her n stuff. IT feels sour inside.
His phone ring (think its her) coz he sound so concern n stuff.. LAter on e pretext of gg to e toilet, he left for quite a while. *SOUR*

Strange but i start to have feelings for him. This is NOT GOOD coz
1. He likes another gal
2. He doesnt like me anymore
3. He's James Tan (not that he's bad, He's really GREAT but its weird)
Reasons ample? sufficient? reasonable??
TOTALLY!!

Sending me back hall, i really wanted a hug fr him. REALLY... But e words juz doesnt come out.
So he left. Then i msg him asking if he liked me before. He say feelings were there for awhile but he din think he was ready so forgo it.. and said that i will alwaz be his special fren..
*cried*

I think im crazy!! This is so totally weird n wrong!
Do i like him coz i want company as well or???
Watever it is, it doesnt matter anymore coz we will alwaz remain as frens. Aniawe, tears flowed that nite.

Morning came n i felt better... called him in e afternoon n chat for v long... THink he went out w her again tonight.. *sour*

SIGH... All will pass..
Let it go gal..

=(
Sigh..
Seem so bothered by relationship.
James n his prob
Char n Dunman
Sean n Mitchelle
Me n myself...

Matters of e heart are really hard to solve n needless to say, harder to xplain.. Is that such a thing as right n wrong when it comes to this??
Hmmm... some ppl say "no". BUt i think to a certain extent "yes".
Like in James' case, i strongly believe James n e gal is wrong. James is e 3rd party n i hate ppl to destroy a r/s. They might argue that James is juz a triggering factor since probz already existed b/w she n her bf.. BUT STILL!!!!!!!!!
You gotta get off a bus before u get onto another one isnt it???!!!?!?!?!!?
CANT U UNDERSTAND SUCH SIMPLE THING????
Im not saying that james shld not persue his happiness. By all means do so, but ETHICS!! MORAL!!
How can anyone forget that?! Has love really blind u??
Love is really a very strange thing. What makes someone love e other party? what keeps e love gg strong? Wat causes a r/s to fade??

In e case of Sean, he still like mitchelle n still talk to her. ITs like my case, but wat i really know is that its gonna take a much longer time for sean tis way. "OU DUAN SI LIAN".... its hard i know. He still longs to talk to mitchelle n who am i to scold or wake him up? As a fren, i can only hint him.. ONly him, himself can make him realise it.

Char's case, dunno whats wrong w them also. Quarrel for dunno wat reason. Love each other but char still feel so pesstimistic abt everyting..future etc. cold, rude, ignore dunman at times n even initiate breakup on several occasions. Not sure wat actually case her to do so. She told me that she still loves him.. then why?!?!? Why do things that will really hurt e person u love??


Ql still think there's something bw me n james but they are wrong. ITs not me that he likes. Maybe in e past BUT not now. and e worse part is that im starting to trip... fall for my fav senior.
watever it is, Im juz his spare type when he's alone n when there's nobody to accompany him.
Im everybody's spare tyre..
1. James
2. Ray
3. Sean
4. BEn Wu
5. Gerard
6. Dunman
7. Hoikay
8. Yee Ann
9. Weiyuan

Sianz ah... so many male frens that look for me when they have no gf only...
Im not complaining abt them but its juz that sianz to know that u are only someone they will find when they have nobody else to talk/turn to..

NDP 090803
Wow!! Had such a fun dae yesterdae (sat). James had 2 tix to NDP n he invited me to go. Wasn't excatly excited about going coz NDP never seem fun to me when i watched it on tv but still i went..
Told him finally abt e "jerk's" story. Am surprise i still feel sadz n even almost teared when i told him. This isnt e way it's suppose to be!
WATEVER...
He seems to be affected by his own relationship too BUT in this case, he's e baddie. I dun encourage or even approve of his doings because i know e gal's bf is e real victim n e gal is really mean making all 3 parties suffer.
Watever, not my prob too BUT i juz feel so much for e bf..
Spent e afternoon talking abt it...

Finally reach e stadium n it was only 3.30p.m... less than half e stadium was filled n i felt like an idiot being there so early. Good thing e sky was cloudy but there was abit of sun still.. James n me spent our time gossiping, taking photos n playing silly games.
The NDP finally started and it was really fantastic. Could feel e atmosphere there and feel so much for e country. (power of majority) hehe...
The fireworks was lovely but its a pity coz its behind us and our view was blocked by e big screen!! =( nevertheless, its still beautiful.
There were like 55,000 audience so we decided to walk to suntec.
Blisters developed! *painful*
Was so damn sticky n hot, din even eat dinner n went back home. It was really fun. I wouldnt mind gg NDP again... Its all so worth it.

Heard her-james voice when james drove me home.
Hmmm....
Hope he can cheer up soon..
Seems like matters of e heart can be really taxing. And soo many ppl ard me are having tis prob.
Char broke up w dunman on national dae too. He told me but char hasnt yet.. Would call her one of these daes...

what the hell is wrong with me?
swimming, lonely,
drowning in fears,
random thoughts,
turn to tears.
longing, hiding,
fearing worst,
hating self,
trying to be happy
while love-i thirst.


it's frustrating when i'm trying to keep everything from falling apart around me, but i feel as if i'm causing the destruction.
i'm still trying (in vain) to find a way so it won't hurt so much in the end, but i know i'm focusing on that possibility too much.
why am i doing this to myself?
i can't fall in love.
i have to stay strong if i want to survive.
1) it does no good when i only have...oh yeah, less than a month-before he leaves again, and this time pretty much for good.
2) no one can ever love me. so why bother doing this to myself?
...
okay, my composure is back now. i should just stop now, huh? i'm all unhappy and junk, it's 4 am, i can't keep my eyes open, and i'm getting upset over things that aren't reality. (a.k.a. all my hopes, dreams, and fears)

so okay, i'm done.
no crying! no thinking of any of this.
whatever happens, happens.
the worst it can do is kill me.

does that make any sense? i don't think it does...
but that's okay, i guess.
i don't have to make sense.
i feel...empty. like i'm missing something. and i know what i want to happen in life, but i'm not sure how to make it happen. and everytime it comes close, it doesn't feel right.
so i guess it's a catch-22
*big sigh*
so yeah, once again, ignore me.

and i wish i could go back to just not caring, and not letting things affect me.
life was easier that way.

Ji Detian
Damn sianz...
Travel all e way back home fr hall todae juz to catch e last episode of "lie huo xiong xin" and guess wat?!?!?! the ending was so disappointing!!
Disappointing not because e ending was a flop BUT e ending made me cry my eyes out!!!
Damn.. havent seen any drama serial that made me cry like this one does..
The ending goes:
Ji Detian propose to yinyi BUT.. there's a fire and unfortunately JiDetian lost his life in it. Yinyi had tears in her eyes yet remain hopeful as she sees the fireman walk out one by one. Finally Ji was wheeled out-dead!
Yinyi went home to YaoYao. She din know what happen BUT in e mid of e nite, she went to Ji's bed n sat there looking in e sky w tears in her eyes. Her uncle came in n hug her. Yaoyao knew abt it.. They sat there and hug&cry.

Hmmmm.. really tot provoking. If someone i really love were to lose his/her life in any case, i think im unable to remain as calm. Probably make a big fuss, prob sob real loud.
Wat e hell!! Feeling so blue recently..
This is not good..
As Ji alwaz say "regardless happy or sadz, days pass by as usual"

Life goes on...

1ST of Aug
Its 4 mths since we broke up!!!
Time really flies these 4 mths.. Been thinking abt it. If we were still together.. we would be having a double celebration tis mth. (his bdae n our 11mth anni). BUT.........
We would be celebrating our 1 yr anni next mth!!!!!!

Been thinking if im over him..
I know how to differentiate between totally over someone or still hanging there..
e.g... When i think of my other ex n e times we spent together, i dun feel sadz or watever BUT when i think of our past, i would feel really sadz... Even felt like crying often too..
Thats how i know im still stuck there.
BUt i dun really think of our past ITS juz that his bdae is nearing.. SO...

His bdae is juz 21 daes away..
Should i meet him? NO!!!!!!!
U will get all sadz!

Should i msg him a bdae msg???
i dunno!!!!!!!!! maybe i wont.

DaMN!!!
Forgot my password n spent like SOOO long trying to retrive it!!
In sch now waiting for my lesson to start. DAmn sianz. dun feel like gg for "POLITICAL" lec. Dun think i will listen aniwae.. BUT will still go.

Yesterdae dreamt of "JERK" when i was taking my afternoon, in e dream, he's still a jerk. SO WEIRD! Havent really tot of him for some time BUT dunno why dreamt of him.. Was really affected by it when i told Sean, even cried when i think abt it..

Sean Teo
Sean juz broke up w mitchelle...
He says she had a crush w someone else she knows for only afew daes.. She gave up a 2.5 yr relationship for afew daes feelings..
Why does ppl do such things?? WHY???
Dont ppl treasure their relationship anymore now? ITs disheartening to know that because i feel its juz so not right...

Sean's feeling real down n he's been calling me to chat these few nights. Though he dont really display his emotions n feelings to me BUT i know that he is really affected. Been through worse situations than him before BUT its of a shorter time frame.
HE went drinking last nite n got pretty drunk. Im sadz for him coz i know what he is going through. Sean's not bad looking n real tall too.. he definately has no prob getting another gal BUT i guess this is juz too much for him to take. I feel sorry for sean...
Hope he get over it real soon..