Come fire of Heaven!
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Northern Lights -403 Forbiddena
Topic: wondering where I stand
alternately titled:
-forward movement-


****
DISCLAIMER!

this is a LONG and SERIOUS journal entry from Daiko's DA journal- something that would be normally posted in a similar format to one of a few other blogs, but I consider this so important that these words will remain here and be cross-posted in as many other areas as I can reach in the near future. I am aware that this is a break from my usual style of posting, but it's self reflection and taking stock of who I am- me being myself, sometimes you'll see things like this [from me].

You are -absolutely free- to completely ignore this and do what it is that you would like with regards to whatever it is that you have planned- I'm just getting a few things out of my heart and into the air... since it is HARD to read things like this from others (due to the fact that there is quite a fair ammount of Heavy content regarding someone that you may not know well personally) I understand that it'd be a burden to even expect others to read this completely with attention for detail- I'm not asking for help or for comments... I'm just trying to discern the state of my soul and how to go about fixing what's broken in me and do that well!

yes, I even think it would be best if there are NO comments on this journal entry at all so please leave this [entry] as it is... (unless you do wish to comment- if you want to, then I won't prevent you from taking that action)

-this is in keeping with the goals that I set for myself during Lent- and while that season is long over, the task of doing these things is definately not so I am continuing on in that line of thought albeit with quite some differences this time around...

****

-Work in Progress!-
posted at such an atypical time for me since the subjects importance MERITS it- I can't procrastinate on something like this nor do I wish to hence, this is posted early Pentecost Sunday morning '06 -I may add more to this or edit later so be aware that the content of this journal entry is declared "Subject to Change"


I don't want my worries and my fears to dominate me any longer... others have said before that if one wants to really be virtuous, that they should practice and act out that virtue until it becomes a permanent part of their character. I want bravery and courage- that ability to go forward even when times are hard, or the outcome seems bleak- I want to just move past that and grow instead... -sigh-

I've been blessed to see the people in my life grow and change- to mature and improve in such a short time... I've allowed myself to hold back, actually... I have just stagnated and not moved on much from who I used to be- I know that I have changed, and that comparing oneself to others isn't always the best way to look at things, but my friends have illuminated the shortcomings in my life and it's up to me to fix them and to accept help in fixing them.

I've seen this one guy who when I look at him seems so brave and forward (too much so at times, but that's quite a forgiveable sin in my eyes...) he doesn't have the same hesitation that I have in my heart and that intrigues me and scares me- that fear isn't really that appropriate, and I want it gone from me... I can see this virtue in someone else and I want to cultivate it so that Bravery will be a real and solid portion of who I am, and maybe in taking a cue from my friend I can find a way to be rid of this fear in me- the paralysis that I have since I don't want to make mistakes, that paralysis that keeps me from moving forward and making changes in my life -sigh-

I... don't consider myself very capable of anything, and while humility is a good virtue to have, I know in my heart that in declining all the compliments I recieve from others with regards to the skill that I display that I am not acting in the real spirit of humility but in self-depreciation instead- this isn't right! -when I see someone else put themself down, I hate it... and yet with regards to myself, I allow and even enjoy and condone this behavior- so hypocritical... it's definately time for me to put a stop to that. So... if someone compliments my art, instead of replying with a cry of, "I can't draw" or some other similar and hurtful ephithet I'll accept the compliment, but I'll be honest and say that I am not yet at the skill level that I wish to be... and yet, I don't want to be boastful either, but being thankful... saying, "Thank you" when someone honestly says something kind to me... that is the right thing to do...

-there's so much that I want to say, and at the same time there has been so much internal pressure for me to keep quiet about my thoughts, experiences, and desires but if I keep these and other things to myself, I'm not really being honest- it's like saying, "I'm okay!" when I'm really not -on the other side of the coin though (or maybe not) there are somethings that I DO indeed need to restrain within myself (like random comments- I should be patient enough to wait 'til the right time to voice them if they're necessary) especially since... I don't want to add a needless burden to others- I don't want to cause extra suffering if it's not needed- I don't want to impose or to crush others with the weight of my own ego (ego in this sense not only referring to "arrogance" but with regards to "self") I mean that I don't want to annoy other people by being too much for their senses- a proper and refined lady would take care to be kind and gentle with others- I know that I am not yet there, but I long to be... I want to be that way, a good person with self-control and sensitivity to others- I don't want to keep pressing myself HARD on other people and earning their resentment or disdain- and not even just for the fact that I don't want others to hate me... I don't like seeing that sort of selfishness in others, so I want to root it out of myself entirely.

I want to do these things and more- a part of me asks, "how can I do this? I've been doing things in a certain way for so long... can I really permanently change for the better?" and my answer to myself is, "YES" because I have been changing and growing (albeit slowly...) and with God all things are possible [so there's no need to let all my fears get the best of me]. I want to grow and change- exchange this pathetic self for a truly good person who is able to do what they need to do with quickness and excellence (as well as with efficiency...) -there are people who have chosen to love me, to care about me... wonderful people who I really don't deserve to have the company of... I want to give them a good friend, I want to give them someone who can really return their love- someone who will actually listen! and be steady and there for them... I have always wanted someone like that to always be there for me, if I ask this for myself then I should be able to become what I'm longing for to make my thoughts reality

I don't want to waste my time crying over the fact that I'm not getting anywhere and that I don't deserve anything- I may not be able to control how I feel some of the time, but I can change how I react to my emotions- I can choose to do the right thing regardless of my sentiments or the situations that I find myself in- the will to be good and to do good I can cultivate it in myself... it may be true that I am pathetic, and that I deserve nothing but even if those things are facts that doesn't mean that I must always be this way... there's hope always- for me, and for everyone else (it's just that it's so much easier for me to see and realize the hope that there is for others and think that my situation is so bleak...)

I might not know how to deal with things, and I'm afraid of what will be in the days to come, but I don't need to die or to run away (figuratively or literally with regards to many senses and in different ways) because of this... I need to go forward. I want to go forward and with this resolve in my heart, I will take action (and do my best to execute the right ones and not waste too much time in foolishness)


in short:
I want to do more and do it well- I want to be braver and move forward in my life even if it will cost me, even if there is pain and strife and sadness to go through- the people who have befriended me are wonderful and I want to be a true beautiful and good person who can love them back without hurting them needlessly- my desire to be a great lady is still alive, and I will myself to go forward.


how will this impact my art?:
Well... I will be experimenting more and possibly, submitting more (here on DA and in my LiveJournal as well*) with less care in regards to my artwork being icily perfect -I don't wish to spam my watchers, but I do want to be more active as an artist and grow so that may mean a temporary increase in my submit rate over quality... please don't mind it and I will see about scrapping the really unsavory experiments so bear with me

Also! that means that I am definately not giving up on doing Commissions and want to do A LOT OF REALLY GOOD ONES despite how it may cost me- I want to be a better artist since that is tied up so tightly with who I am as a person... spiritually, emotionally, mentally- I may not have this as my calling or even as a steady career, but this art burns me [having an artist's soul] so I have to do something with it... it almost hurts me having this and not doing anything with it even though I'm not a fully-fledged professional (I'm a chick!** :))

I want to make more art- to get things I want to express OUT of me! and to add some beauty to this world somehow...


*maybe even on PGN also, but it's not as easy and familiar for me to put up works on my account over on PortalGraphics.Net...

**"Chick" as in female as well as a hatchling - a fledgling is a young bird that is almost ready to fly off on their own and is mature in comparison to a new hatchling -by what I said, I mean that I am not a mature out and out professional with several years experience doing many things withing the field of Art- I'm someone who is familiar with quite a few things that some pros in the field may know since I am deeply interested in art and finished out two years of Commercial Art in technical school- in short, I'm definately not :devartgerm: but I can understand and do a few things that someone like him is capable of~


about this entry:
Yes, this was really VAGUE and I made quite a few allusions to things that I don't feel fully comfortable speaking openly about- but that was all done purposely since this is something that I've posted on the internet and sometimes one's over open-ness can bring about one's downfall online- it's also something that I do often (if that wasn't obvious already^^; ) when I'm writing things about others since I don't want to disrespect their privacy.

-sigh- it is hard for me to know what to say and to say it rightly...

and yet... I WANT TO SAY AND DO SO MUCH MORE!

this flame in my heart burns like an Advent Candle
I think that it's about time that it becomes enhanced with Fire from Heaven like the flames that the Apostles recieved at The Pentecost

yes...


-Daiko~
(pray for me)
(Please be well.)

The days are running into each other
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Advent Children film trailers
Topic: wondering where I stand
and it seems that I can't seem to catch up with it all- and that's my own fault since I am letting the time slip through my hands foolishly

even now, I feel a bit guilty being at the library at 2 o' clock because of the fear that I have left something important undone at my house (which to my current knowledge, I haven't) and yet this trepidation is here, hanging in the air around me- I don't like it. -sigh- (Actually, it's been a few more hours into the day, and somehow... I feel better, I'm not exactly sure why, but I think that the fact that I watched some Advent Children trailers had something to do with it; as well as the fact that I got to stay at the library and let myself get something done...)

anyways, here's where I've been today:
[Google search: FF7] (I should have done this a long time ago- that's how I felt when I did this earlier...)
[Advent Children.net]
Read More...

[Google search: FF7 Director's Cut]
no! -why is it that I can't seem to find any good information on the director's cut of FF7? why?

devious visitations of mine:
Read More...

-happy sigh- anyways, I'm glad that I finally attained my driving directions (print version) to CNA testing facility in Carrolwood T^T;; it took me forever to do it!


****
Now that I think about it, I am happiest when I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing and am in the middle of completing it- getting into that state (or near it even) can be hard for me since I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist...
but then, even if I'm not sure of myself or of what it is that I should be doing, I should do my best and make the most of the moment

"Do what you can, when you can"

I told my friend the other day- so I should live up to this statement.

...okay then.

heh, heh, why is it that I ramble so much here?
I've said something that I didn't exactly plan on saying, but then I tend to do that quite a bit really- I wonder...

****
whoa! I was just at the official Square site for AC, and there was this weird thing going on with two themes from the game were playing at the same time- one gentle tune with a flute, and the danger music o.o!!!

-Daiko~
(pray for me)

I guess that I'm not capable of going forward and backwards at the same time, huh?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: should be the contented silence that accompanies sleep*
Topic: wondering where I stand

*but it isn't- at least not for me, as I have decided to take this time to stay up and pull off an "all nighter" so that I can get some of my affairs in order

...

right.
-as it is now something like 2:25p here on my side of the globe (I live in the Eastern time zone) my plan really isn't holding that much water *irritated with self* (unless going through messages on deviantART would be considered a good and productive use of my time... I got rid of 200+ messages! ... -.-;; -sigh-)

I see and understand that I am not living up to my own standards, and that is irritating me (along with some other things- I don't like saying that though) no, I think that I worded that too harshly- let me explain: I mean, I wish I had done more with my time- I had been a bit lax for the past two days... I remember I had said to myself that I would use this Tuesday as time to get some house work done (laundry) but I didn't do what I had wanted to do (washing my clothes)

and...
I've let myself be too moved by things
-rrr- my Lenten resolution was to have a firm will and not to let myself be so emotionally moved by others- not to be angry because of silly things, I so want to be more... mature? er, disciplined?

I know that it's something like the two virtues I said, but I don't know if I have it really pinned down yet (and how can I achive a goal if I don't even know what it is fully? I don't get me... *sad*)

but hey,
if you are reading this and you are concerned that I could be depressed- don't be.

I know that I have let myself down
I know that I don't like doing this
but I also know that there is still hope for me
because I'm alive and I have the chance to do better everyday- and that cheers my heart every morning

now, if you'd pray that I won't miss out on opportunities and that I will master my time and give glory to God by my life lived properly and well ordered- I say that that would be best for me :heart:

and I would be most grateful
for I so need help. -sigh-

****
-I didn't intend to make this such a long entry, but the way it is with journals or diaries is that they tend to be rather episodic- at least, that's what I have seen myself... I don't seem to have the dedication to write something everyday in either here or in my physical journal/diary/sketchbook/whatever recording thing so here I am now, wanting to backtrack

I wonder if my wanting to hold on to the past and record it on my own terms has restricted me from really enjoying the present time and from looking forward to the future- it could be that I have had that effect on myself, yet I don't know exactly why it is that I seem to be so restrained

I say "restrained" in the sense that I have the ability to do things, but I end up not doing them- to make it more clear... I am in what I like to call an "art freeze" this is not the same as "writer/artist block" because I am still able to make use of my skills, but I just lack the drive to do so

-what am I thinking?
I am not that kind of person who is so dependent on a muse, or the kind of person who "waits for inspiration to hit"- what am I doing?

I tell myself and others that I don't have to wait to "feel like doing something just so something can get done" but is this the same? -I really don't have to wait for things to "feel right" there are actions I can take even if my heart is not "ready" or what not

I would like to understand this phenomenon more though -sigh-

so I'll keep writing.
Read More...

let us pray for the improvement of our fellow man shall we? I so want to do more of that, I like thinking about other people, learning about them, helping them- it's why I want to be a nurse so badly.

I hope that I am going in the right direction
please God, guide me on to the right path
I just want to do the right thing
even though I am ... so awkward at times (I don't even know what to say here, hence the elipsis)

yet, I don't mind this though (especially since I know that this time will pass me by so so fast)

I'm glad that there's people out there watching me- and I didn't do anything to deserve that- is it okay for me to be happy about that? I wonder at times, but I am happy and grateful anyway (besides, God wouldn't be angry at me for appreciating other people- I don't want to be self-centered about that sort of thing though.)

-knowing me, I could go on all night, but I have some sleep to do (as well as some room cleaning)

I'll be glad to continue this tomorrow if I can
(and to start writing down some of my backlog of events in my "me and God" journal)- joy~

...good night and "good-bye"**
(**that is in fact, a corrupted form of this phrase: God be with you) -hee hee~!- ^_^


-Daiko~
(ah, you know... fill in something here?)
(has enough wishes to fill up a ranch- that is, if "wishes were horses" and all that)

let me back into the swing of things...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: (I'm trying so hard not to scream- what a fun game!)
Topic: wondering where I stand

(hmm, I think I'm a bit irritated actually...)

or at least let me come to some semblance of peace- both internally and externally.

...because it seems that I have none, no peace I mean and that is partially my fault because I've been too anxious as of late- of course, it doesn't help when one lives around naturally high-strung, suspicious people does it? -sigh-

It feels as if I am not allowed to have time to myself to do things, and if I try to do so, that I shouldn't be since I should be busy, or at least out of someone else's way- I don't like that at all.

I'm not too happy with the fact that I am saying things in such a round-about way either (maybe, I'll make my new year's resolution something like, "bluntness"? I don't know- I think maybe it should be "more honest and open with regards to myself" -that sounds a lot more like it really)

-sigh-

What do you guys think of whining? complaining?
Personally, I don't like either, whether it's hearing myself do so (see my lack of rantage here?) or hearing someone else do so

I guess it's because I don't understand at times why certain people do what they do (at times, it looks like pure foolishness, but that's what I see...)

I mean, things aren't perfect but there are those who seem to refuse to adapt, and they are so highly irritable (I can understand that- but why burden others with such a thing unnecessarily? I don't get it- yuck.)

;_; sorry me, I just can't seem to do it
I can't seem to say what I want to
and I'm so limited with time and freedom (especially if I just want to get some stuff done on the computer)

but I could just be imagining things
how I wish that I was!

****
(yeah, I know ramblings of mine don't make much sense, do they? -anyways, I'll be leaving soon and I've got a room and a physical journal to take care of, but I wish to get more done online soon... ;_;)

I had wanted to post a split-review (subjective/objective) on the trilogy His Dark Materials by Pullman, but it looks like I won't be cranking that out now (funny, I was about to do that first thing when I went online about an hour ago, but I went over to DA and kinda got stuck ^_^;; )

eesh, I'm gone now.

-Daiko~
(pray for me)

I must remember that winter gives way to spring
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Winter in my Soul [not a song, but it is my inner state]
Topic: wondering where I stand

things have been hard for me lately, and I felt at times that I had more than I could handle, but God thought otherwise...

I'm struggling to type
to articulate my feelings
(almost as usual)
but I am enjoying the process this time
(though I can't get it all down on paper or typed out here in the blog)

It's not even winter yet- at least, not officially (though it does feel that way in many other places) but the winter solstice will be taking place on the 21st of this month -if I'm not mistaken that is. So, it is still autumn, and it is so HOT here in Florida, but I've been so cold lately- I don't think that this makes complete sense, but I have been scared as of late so that must be a part of the reason why I've been so chilly...

it's been something like winter in my soul,
a time where hearing from God is hard for me to do and to experience- not because I have told Him to go away or anything, but because I've allowed myself to drift from Him and to be preoccupied with such petty things, and serious worries- I hate it, I hate it, I hate it

I want to remember...
and I want to improve
I want to improve so badly
and I want things to be good
but I can't let those things make me worry
I can't let myself, and my good intentions be turned away to evil purposes (and I do mean "evil", I wasn't overstating my case).

I want the Spring
and I want my hope to flourish

I need to remember that I need help always
from God and from good companions
I need to remember my limits
and that it is painful for me to try to do too much

I would like even more help
and I am learning to be more specific in what I ask for so that I can recieve it well

I want to have my brother by my side
for him to be able to continue college and to do well this semester-

-sigh-

I'll just say that for now.

-Daiko~
(pray for me...)
(do you care to commission or support Daiko?)

"today, today, today..."*
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Begging You to be my Escape [RelientK]
Topic: wondering where I stand
Today looks nice somewhat
I was able to recieve a lovely gift from my good friend Cassandra (and that brought some cheer to my downtrodden heart, so I am quite grateful...) also, I gave my friends the gift of chocolate so that was nice as well...

(unfinished stuff here.
Read More...)

****
Why is it that Advent and Lent are so similar to me? It seems that at these times of the year that I go through quite a bit of suffering- I am wondering... if this is the way that things should be- actually, I'm not sure of it at all

All I know is that I will do what I can with the very little that I have, and that God will help me (He is so trustworthy)

Read More...

****
more stuff from today:
I've been attending classes on Sumi-e painting as of late, and I always pass a small office bulding that is dedicated to the commercial art business (or so it appears) unfortunately for me, I don't seem to be able to stop-by the place and get all the contact info- so all I see as I'm on my way to where my classes are held is the sign on the building and I can't even catch their domain name properly! -it's been quite irritating, and all I can say is that it is something like "megadistic.com" ;_;

in my atempt to find their website today, I ran across this: Megadigit.com and Megadigital.com

the latter is little more than a place for the company contact info rather than a real interactive informational website, but the former looks most excellent (I can't understand Spanish though, so I would have to avail myself of an online translator if I wanted to read what the artist had to say)

-sigh-

ah, I almost forgot to mention that when I went to Megadigit.com I found this link in a pop-up ad ... ;_; I so wish that this was a true good job opportunity for me, heaven knows that I really could use something like this *cries*

(-.-;; I'll see about fixing this entry up more later- for now, I'm going to see about doing some job applications or whatnot.)

-Daiko~
(pray for me?)
(care to support this poor student?
take a look: commission, support)

Okay, I'm ready now
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Begging you to be my Escape [Relient K]
Topic: wondering where I stand

to post that is.
I wasn't writing lately because I found myself unable to say much since I've been going through quite a bit mentally and emotionally, but I found some precious solace in talking to two trusted, and wonderful friends (Ashley and Cassandra)

-sigh-
I know, I didn't say much of anything with regards to Thanksgiving, and I'm not sure if I have much to say for that holiday really- I did have a good time, and eat good food and get out for a bit, but it was rather quiet this year- hence, my reticience to put words down on this subject.

hmm...
with regards to blogging, I'm not exactly sure of where I want to go (and that applies to the other areas of my life as well) I know that I created this blog with the intention of talking about God (and to Him) along with covering how I am in my spiritual life, but I find it hard at times to write on that- also, I know that there are others things in my life too that don't neatly fit into the initial plan I had for this blog. I am wondering if I should have more than one blog that I update regularily... I could call it "Artist in Training" and use it to put up my ramblings on art and links and such, but I'm not sure if I want to do that- add more tasks to my life since I've got enough as it is (and this blog would get so much sparser too -I don't think that that would be so good).

I would like suggestions please.

(and oh, the end of this college semester is coming up for me and my younger brother- I am doing okay, but I know that he and I could both really use A LOT of serious prayer so that we can finish this term well and get on to a good next sem... so, HELP!!)

today's browsings and stuff
Read More...

-Daiko~
(did what she could today
but she still is a bit tired and empty
pray for her
and her family.)

trepidation in my heart...
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: FEAR!! (in my own heart- for others)
Topic: wondering where I stand
I really really hate it.
-I do understand that fear is a natural reaction and emotion with regards to things, but I hate how unreasonable it can be, and how pervasive it is.

I also dislike how stupid people can be at times with regard to obedience- I know that it is hard to do things that someone else wants you to do at times, but it can be helpful and make life much more easier to go through- why cause unnecessary stress for yourself? I really don't understand...

from the above you may get the impression that appeasement appeals to me, but it does not. What I am against is the audacity that some individuals have in not fufilling reasonable requests.

-yes, this makes me very angry!
If your father calls for you, you should go to him- and if you disobey him, then he has the right to be upset- what need do we children have to unnecessarily upset our parents?! -they have enough stresses already...

this sort of thing happens to often around me, and it irritates and frightens me... very, very much.

...

Lord, save me from my fear
-it is the faith-killer
and I don't need my beliefs to die,
I don't want that at all.

****
Okay, it seems that though I posted this much earlier this morning (Eastern time) I still haven't been able to view this entry in my blog all day and it has been set to a public viewing- I don't understand this, but I wonder... is it this way because someone doesn't wish to hear this from me? I don't really know, but I do know that I'm feeling a bit better now than when I first wrote this...

-I still need help though. -sigh-


-Daiko~
(pray for me please!)

Jaded? (somewhat) [Olympics & Art]
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Olympics on tv in the background.
Topic: wondering where I stand
yes, I feel this way somewhat with regard to the two things I mentioned above in the title

I posted about my "jaded-ness" in art over in the CAA's forums a bit earlier this night.

-of course, I'm probably wrong in regards to the way that I am evaluating things- actually, I'm rambling...

****
Anyway, what I originally wished to post about in my blog for this entry is this: I'm getting tired of the Olympics.

...

I know that these are beautiful events, and that they are great to watch- but I'm the kind of person who can identify when things are set up in a formula-like way, and after a while when I see these things, I don't like them as much as I did intially.

-I'm beginning to see during the broadcasts of the Olympic games (as I watch in America):
excited commentators who were former athletes
judges making many weird decisions with regards to rules and scoring
dramatic/melodramatic use of music throughout the footage of the athletes' performances

and...
overplaying of the National Anthem

-Don't get me wrong, I DO appreicate everyone's efforts with regards to this, and I am fully aware of how beautiful and wonderful the Olympics really are- but I'm tired.

...
meh, I don't think that I stated this too well tonight- I'll return to this subject in the future (if I can).

-Daiko~
(wow, I see all these wonderful new features that the Angelfire blogs have recieved- yay for new upgrades!! :heart: )