a saint in training: my life on Earth

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

my foolishness continues beyond April 1st...
Mood:

crushed out
Now Playing: Setsumi's theme from Narcissu...
Topic: seasonal

-there's a lot of meaning behind the title that I chose, but I lack the time to dig further into that now (since it is almost midnight and I need the sleep so I can rise early! >_<; ) but from what I wrote yesterday, some of that meaning should be rather obvious...

Anyway, I see now that I keep falling into pride- or rather something in that family of sin since I keep finding myself ever-so-amazed and struck hard by the mistakes that I make- it hurts me so much that I let myself get into trouble (or think that I am) since I let opportunities for wonderful things pass me by. I find myself sinking into depressed states over these things (which is sad because people usually despair of not being able to see God's mercy, whereas I see it and even ask for it but am deeply saddened when it comes since I feel like I do not deserve it- which I logically know to be foolishness, but what kind?)

in these final days of Lent, I am still off-track (it is true that I am getting somewhere with one of the things I resolved to do since I will soon be employed, but somehow this doesn't bring me much happiness- I don't get it? actually, I do comprehend why this is so but it is hard for me to put that thought into a tangible format) even now I am straying! (or at least it seems that way to me) since I can't even stay focused in saying one thing- I keep stringing my thoughts together?

-what is really undoing me now is my lack of action on things that I've known that God wants me to do... it is quite plausible that I am suffering now since He's pushing me off in the right direction and I am stubbornly refusing to go forward since I'm hesitating with my fears. The other thing that is unraveling my peace is the fact that I've left so many tasks undone for awhile now- true, my messy room isn't deadly and will not commit any murders, but it is so frustrating that things are still in such poor order and disarrayed about my living space! ;_; -sigh-

_{and that's not even mentioning the situation that I've gotten myself into with my "misplaced passions" which are indeed real, but seem to go about un-noticed by many parties- no, go unnoticed by the people who I want to pick up on my subtle hintings and signals and are noticed and announced inappropriately by others -SIGH!- T-T; ...}

I -WANT- to go talk with my Spiritual Director! I've been putting off on doing so and remained aloof from him with my problems for far TOO LONG now!!

^{-whew.

I am so glad that I got that all off my chest (and before Midnight too~ <3) ...yay.}