My Journal

JULY 2006

7-24
Past
I think somewhere in our grand delusions we truly believe that our past won't come to haunt us. That we successfully ran from any major after effects of where we came from. That maybe, just maybe, we are a product of the here and now only. Or that we have risen above where we came from and that is all that needs to be said.

I'm no stranger to this delusion. I am the girl who came to my counselor saying, "my life is perfect, I'm just fucked up." We can laugh about that now. I tried to run from my past on many different occasions. Sometimes it was easy because I have a very bad memory of anything before the age of about 13. One time I asked my counselor how she eventually figured out the various pieces to me (i.e. abuse). She told me it was because of my actions. My actions, thoughts about myself and all of that stuff pointed to a child who was abused. Like my defense mechanisms- they were very strong, very tall and very thick. It took her a long time to penetrate even a little bit. To her, that signaled something very strong- things I was hiding or things I was protecting myself from. Of course she was very right. Just like the notion that good parenting does not produce a child who self-injures. There is no getting around things like that.

For many years I fought my past, who I was and who I was becoming. I had to fight everything. First to accept what took place, it's place in my life now and who I could and would become. That is a hell of a process. But it brought me to this place in my life where things are okay. Finally.

Then, I decide to dredge up the past one more time.

This coming weekend I will be taking the road trip of my life- to find my family. The one I lost so long ago. But this road trip- it's only the beginning, only the start of the story. What is becoming increasingly evident to me is that what I am about to do will change everything. Before two weeks ago, I had my mom, step dad, two younger brothers, my step-grandparents, my grandfather (mom's) and step grandmother, and my Dad. Now, I know I have an older brother (but that's another story) and also family on my Dad's side. I know if I ever need them, they are there. We are all okay with the way things are. But, there were things missing in my eyes- biological family, a sense of family, my own flesh and blood. I had a longing for those part of my genetic tree. As much as I know my step family loves me, for me, there is a deep longing for a sense of family- where I came from. So the past, I drudge up.

For a while, I was only thinking of myself and how the lost family members would impact my life. But now I know, my existence in their life will change theirs too. I keep thinking in my head that next week I am going to go to my mother and say, "Mom, I went to go see Tricia." That would be her mother who she has not spoken to in over fifteen years. Seeing my family is no longer just going to impact me, but many others too. I try to play in my head how that conversation will go, but I can't. This is unheard of. So suddenly, the thought of my grandmother is now in my mom's life. Then if I go on and tell her about her three siblings. I've just changed my entire family. Even if I do not get good reception, contact will have been made, lives will be changed.

I don't think I'm quite prepared for the aftershocks. Like what would happen if Kara's oldest son is still living at home. He sexually abused me during my middle school years. Am I strong enough to face him? I want to say yes, but I never thought it to be a possibility and sometimes I think I still don't believe it's a possibility. Am I prepared with rejection? It has been at least four days or so since I left a message on Kara's answering machine. I am thinking maybe I had the wrong number and/or the wrong address. I'm trying to verify now. I'm trying not to over-think it. Maybe they are on vacation- it is the summer. Or something. Who knows.

This all sounded great when I started this odyssey. But there are real implications to finding my family. Some I know are going to be great and some I know aren't. I may not get all the answers I seek and I may not get the contact I want. But, at least I can say I tried and with all of my heart. That's what is important I think. I seem to always be the epitome of what my mother hates...but I do love myself...so I must love these people she compares me too. They are family. I don't know how my mom gets along without at least a small longing for them. Then again, she found a man with the right family and turns a blind eye to what my grandfather did...that's how she gets along. I hope though, some nights she can't sleep because of everything that happened. Or how she is a part of a woman, a mother, and she doesn't even know.

My mom put me through the ringer and sometimes still does. She has admitted at times that her love is conditional. But despite even being told that if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't have had me...I still love her, I still choose to have her remain in my life and I still choose to love her unconditionally. So, how in the world...did she ever close the door to her mother. I've heard accounts of things that happened...and if I was my mom, it would be my grandfather I would have nothing to do with. Maybe it's because he has the money. I don't know. Maybe she truly is narcissistic and her father can serve in a way that her mother can't. But given the choice...I will always choose love over money. A sense of family over alienation.

I come from a long line of imperfection and I've seen all of my family choose to either embrace their imperfections and lead a life of family and love and friendship or fight against imperfection, always struggling to be perfect but never achieving that unreachable goal and thus their life is less about family and more about bettering themselves constantly. I was under the microscope of perfection for most of my life and I paid dearly for it. In the last fear years I have embraced my imperfections and have strived to live a good life. And maybe that is where my mom and I now split.

My past has a place in my life these days. I know what happened, I understand the effects it has had on me and my future. And I made my peace with all of it. But now I have turned and stared the past in the face- not just my own, but my family's. I just want to know- to investigate- to listen- to learn and finally to love. I'll see where it goes from there. My past is a roadmap and this weekend I will travel there and I know along the way I'll have some of my heart broken and some of my heart mended. That's all I can ask for.


7-20
What do you do when it is your and your creative brain standing between a child and hospitalization where he will actually get worse? What do you do when you are the only one standing for the child and the child alone? How do you release the pressure of knowing several families are placing their trust in you and you alone to break their child out of the stagnation that has been their life for the last few years. What do you do when you are the beacon of hope they have been praying for?

I know I feel the pressure, especially with a latest emergency with one of my kids. I'm doing the best I can- eating well, taking walks, sleeping, drinking water etc. 

It's really hard for me right now because I cannot be alone. Now I remember why I won't ever have a permanent roommate. It is very, very hard for me to be around someone who is not practicing mental/physical well being. I know she will get there, but clearly not there right now. That's hard on me because I have turned over a new life and my life is centered around being well. Especially when I'm stressed.

So I've taken to driving around the city for two hours or so every day. I'm inside my car and it's just me...or Linus too if I take him along. I take Linus for a walk for alone time every night now too. 

When I'm stressed and it has to do with the kids...I just want to spread things out and look at them and reflect and listen to music and pet my animals. Then ideas normally come to me by the shuffle of papers or looking at things in different ways. Right now I share my office and her room is the living room. 

I know I am well because I've been able to work around this and still be sane. Whether or not other people in my hours are healthy- I can choose to remain healthy. That choice makes a big difference. 

I know this wanting to be alone will pass...probably when the stress with the kids goes down some. I'm like the Detective Goren on Law and Order: CI...he goes about his investigations in weird ways and sees things differently and then he can solve the case. Or maybe like Monk on USA. I don't go the conventional route...which I guess can add to the stress. My boss and others around me put up with my lateness or bluntness because of the way I see the kids. With that carries a burden though and this I feel it all through me. Sigh.

It will all work out, that I know, I just needed to vent.

7-19-06
HOME
What is home? Some will say it's where your "family" is or maybe where you spent most of your childhood. Home is the place you are supposed to be able to come back to if you need love or to feel safe. The dictionary will tell you that it is the place:
1. Where one lives, or the physical structure where one lives,
2. A dwelling place with the family or social unit,
3. An environment offering security and happiness,
4. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin,
5. Where one was born or lived for a long time
6. A place where something was discovered, founded, developed or promoted,
7. A headquarters,
8. An institution where people are cared for.

Lots of different definitions for lots of different reasons. Home has always been somewhat elusive to me through the years. For most years, I didn't have a home, or at least I didn't consider any place home. First I was uprooted with a father in the military. My birthplace? A foreign country that I lived for three months. A place to come back to? I don't have any place from my early childhood to back to. Then the divorce and my family unit is split in two, so where is my home there? With the father I seldom saw or my mothers roof where I was abused, including sexual abuse?

Or the longest place I dwelled for five or so years. Is that home? My mother and step father and brothers all still live there. But there is the couch I was sexually abused on in the living room. There is the room I spent some dark nights torturing myself. There is the closet I practiced hanging myself in. There's the bathroom I almost committed suicide in. It's the place I lived out in undiagnosed depression and mania. It's the place I learned to put on a smile. It's the place I lost all the rest of my family. Is that a home? Is that what I call home?

No.

I've come to discover that my kind of home doesn't have to be a dwelling or a physical presence. It is a feeling to me. The city I live in is my home, no matter what apartment I live in or house. When I'm away from this city, I miss it. When I come back to the city, I feel a sense of relief. I have a nice apartment, but even that is not home. It's just a transition. Besides, someone else lives me with on the summers, and then it does not feel like home. I drove around for the better part of two hours- all around my town- because I needed solace. I drove around for peace. That's home.

These past couple weeks I've expanded my sense of home. I am finding my family. Some days I am not sure why I am doing it. The family is so broken, what can I possible find in them. But somewhere inside me, I know what I am finding: a sense of belonging, the possibility of being loved by another person, and just the pure knowledge of knowing where my family is and where they call home.

As neat as it would be if I was only comprised of just my mothers genes and fathers genes- their genes come from somewhere and that means that so do mine. Not only that, but the way they are. My parents were shaped by family and I never knew that family. Ultimately, I am also shaped by those that came before. I feel incomplete until I know that story. I don't just have a slew of step-family...but somewhere out there, I have a real family.

I know these days biological families seem over-rated or people talk about kids being okay with just step-families or adoptions or whatever. But for me and my life...knowing the biological families means the world to me. Knowing some of my family, like my father, has helped me understand that while I suck at math, I'm pretty good with computers. It explained why I had sarcasm as my mode of humor (mom's was opposite, sarcasm was my absent fathers). It explained why I looked the way I did and why I walked the way I walked. A sense of belonging overwhelmed me.

I've been in contact with my grandmother and suddenly it's clear why I hate the phone. Who knew it could be genetics :-)

I suppose one of the greatest questions on my mind...is the mental illness question. Bipolar and ADHD are both traced back to genes and heritary. From what I've heard, I know I had some interesting family members, but I have such a deep need to know if anyone else in my family has fought this fight.

It has been awfully lonely only having my mom and then all of my step-father's family during my "sick" years. They didn't fight this illness- not even close. And thus, understanding was hard. I know somewhere I have others fighting it, even if they don't know it. I long for that kind of belonging, strangely enough.

So home for me? It's complicated. Home is the city I live in. I know without a doubt when I need safety and comfort...it's in my city. I guess you could say I was discovered there. I was found. As a result, this city has become my home. And it is from the safety of this home that I am finally able to seek out my family. I am going to their home...to the whispering well.

7-18-06
SEARCHING
Last night I began an all out search for the addresses and phone numbers of my family. One aunt I was fairly certain of and the the other aunt and uncle were a little harder to find. But, I knew their ages and spouses and children so that helped narrow my search down. I better give everyone some alias' so I don't just use aunt and uncle.

"Kara" is my mom's younger sister and the one I was closest too before we lost contact. However, her oldest son is also the one that sexually abused me. "Rachel" is my mom's oldest sister and she had four children. Almost all dx with adhd I think and Kara's son too. "Chris" is my mom's only brother and the one I don't think I even met.

I find it interesting, that as far as I can tell- all of them have relatively little contact, despite being in the same city still. I am curious by nature and all I can say is, what in the hell happened to this family to break them all apart. My Dad also does not come from a great home, but the siblings are all intact and they all still talk to the mother and some still talk to the father. My Dad's side of the family (and his mothers side) all have a family reunion every two years. I went to the one two years ago. There was some abuse I know...yet that family is still relatively intact. My mom's is a whole different story.

I want to know that story. For whatever reason, I am not satisfied with the answers provided to me. Well, I know one answer is abuse. But that cannot be all of it because at one time they were closer. But it seems to have happened to every member of that family and then it affected them collectively. At least that is what I think.

Kiandra is always telling me to tell my stories. I think this is going to make one hell of a story. And for once- I am interested in not only telling this story, but finding out the story. For a long time I felt so alone because the only story I had was the one that was fed to me by my mother and others. I had no family- I knew that. But I knew I had a history- I had a family...once. A lot of emotions have run through me about all of this- from self blame and shame to lonliness.

Now I am well enough to search without the answers killing me. I don't expect a miracle with this family. As I stated in my letters to all of my family- I am just hoping for contact. To know that this person is on this Earth and my genes are in common with their genes. I suppose I have a hierchy. I really hope for stable contact with Kara- even though hers will carry the greatest amount of emotion. I am pretty sure I will have stable contact with my grandmother now which is great. For Rachel- I know she has history of problems and the four kids...so maybe contact for a time. Hopefully enough to construct a story. And then Chris...since I have never met him, I have the least amount of expectations. Maybe to know he is alive and what his life was like. Where he fits in this puzzle. Then maybe I'll know some of my cousins too. That'd be an added bonus.

No matter the outcome, I know I will be forever changed. This is a family I never knew. This is a history I never knew. I might not gain all of my family back, but it will be something and something is better than I ever got before.

I am searching and I hope soon I will have a story to tell. But most of all, I will have family.

7-17-06
I began a blog about finding my family. A long time ago, I lost almost all of my mom's family because of her- she helped sever each and every relationship. I seek to rectify that now. The link is: http://whisperingwell.blogspot.com  and I am writing them here as well.

BEGINNINGS
"And when I chose to live
There was no joy, it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
And so I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them."
- After All, Dar Williams

These lyrics coursed through me as I made the decision to live with no exceptions. For as long as I could remember I held death by my side, using it anytime living got hard. What I didn't understand was that living was going to be hard, but I could also make it a lot easier by being responsible first in my life instead of second. I also didn't understand that death was hard. To make that final choice and know that you will never again make a single choice. There was no going back saying, "oops, wait I was just kidding, let me try life again." There was just emptiness. The very thing I was running away from. One dark night, I gave in to all of that and for a time I had died. Then one morning I woke up and could never again live as I once did.

Weeks passed and though I was living, death consumed my thoughts. Life was hard as a result of my attempt. I damaged a lot of things interally and externally. I realized I was having trouble dealing with the after shock of death: guilt and shame. I wouldn't make the choice to just live- I was too scared.

Then I hit rock bottom. And one day at work doing therapy with a kid, I realized that I would live with no exception. The next few weeks were amazing as I rediscovered how to live again. Or maybe, I was discovering how to live for the first time. Death didn't take up so much of my time and I've learned to enjoy my days without the overhang of death and destruction. Things happen and I deal with them. I'm not thrown in a tailspin every time something bad happens. I deal with them because I have to and that gives me comfort. Choosing life didn't mean I would all of the sudden be better. I still have bipolar disorder and adhd, I still have the memories of abuse from my past. The difference now is that those are just parts of me, but do not define who I am and what I am going to do or what I am capable of. I am shaping my life now and the way I want it to look. I am filling myself up with life for the first time.

Now that I have reached a stability of sorts, I have time for other adventures. I had my fill of adventures in the hospitals and in college, but now I find myself embarking on a new journey.

As a child, I had my mom and my dad and my brother. For the most part that was family as moved around the world. This was also an abusive family with both physical and emotional abuse. When my parents divorced, I was able to see my cousins and extended family for a while. I had an aunt with two sons, one of which sexually abused me. I had another aunt with three girls and a son. I had an uncle that I have never seen or met or heard anyone talk about. I had a grandmother on my mom's side, but my mom took away my choice to see her. I was forbidden to talk to, talk about or see my grandmother. I had a grandfather and when I was young I thought him to be cold and cruel. He married several times. On my Dad's side, there was my Nana and Grandad- who were divorced. I thought Nana was cool and Grandad a little mean. I had an aunt who later had to girls and then another aunt who has I think six kids. That's a hell of a lot of family.

And one day, they were all gone. My mom successfully kept me away from my father and brother for about seven years. With that went all of his family. My mom...I don't know what happened...but she dropped all of her own family except for my grandfather. Why? Who knows, I thought he was the mean one. My family was gone.

In came a new family. My mom remarried and had two awesome little boys. I love them with all of my heart and then some. And, my step fathers family was to become my family. As much as I love them and thank them for filling in as grandparents for the better part of ten years, they can never replace all of the family I had before. It wasn't like they were erased from my brain- I remembered them. And I have always missed them.

I am now twenty three years old, strong and independent and I am ready to go down my own whispering well. I know my family has a story to tell. Maybe it's not that they don't want to tell their story, but that no one was willing to listen.

My family is a history of abuse. It is fascinating that I am descending from so many generations of abusers. I am left wondering why no one stopped the cycle of abuse until me. What is so different now? Am I so different from my family? Why did my mom leave her entire family so late in life? Why was I forbidden to go down this whispering well? What am I going to find?

These are some of the questions I want answered. I want to know my family, for good or for bad. At least I will know and at least it will now become my choice. I have spent the better part of the last two weeks finding my family. I am contact with my grandmother now and I am gearing up for a visit in a few weeks. With that visit I hope to find even more of my family and begin the listening...begin finding the answers.

7-4-06
Quietly, I've begun to live my life. I didn't really tell my parents or most of the people I know. They don't need to know. They only need to know that I am living and living well. I can say with certainty that my whole world has opened up. I caught myself at the end of last week just enjoying myself. Not the world around me or what is happening, but just with myself. I have some stressors, like my upcoming court date, but I know they all have a solution and none are too bad. I am making life worth living, which I wasn't doing before. I trust myself...which as pretty much never happened.

My sleep is a little messed up, but instead of doing something drastic, I am holding on until I can see my doctor (no insurance right now). And I'm trying to control environmental factors before anything major. But I like Kianda's reasoning- my body chemistry is changing. I am eating pretty well, was sleeping really well...and my life is different. I don't have the constant crisis or the constant need for adrenaline. I've never lived without those things...and so it seems right that things are changing. But will investigate with a doctors care and not my own.

The best thing that has happened has been family developments. Ever since I was a child my mother has forbidden me to talk about, talk to or see HER mother, my grandmother. Over the years I have heard weird stories- like she went to a mental hospital (okay, not weird now considering I did, but then it was) and how awful she was to my mom etc. But I don't remember her being mean to me. At any rate, that was the way things were. I never was given a choice about it. Years later, I am my own person and an adult. My mom has also compared me to her mother several times. Once in reference to being crazy and once in reference to the many animals I keep...as she has a lot too, or did. 

One day, I wanted my choice back. To see her or not. With my father's help, I played detective and found her and sent her a letter. I have made contact. My aunt (my mom's half sister) still lives there and sent me an email saying my grandmother was very happy to hear from me. I think she is calling me tomorrow.

Joy soared through my heart. Joy I only know I can experience because of my recent changes. I love this new development. Something I never thought I would do...just wasn't on my radar screen because it was so forbidden as a child. But now I want the opportunity to have my own impressions, which I think will be good. I want the choice I was never allowed to have. And perhaps gain a family I never knew. I love my step-father's parents and family very much...but even trying a 100%, they aren't my biological family. Somehow that is just different. Doesn't mean I love them any less....but it's just different. Kind of like when I saw my dad for the first time in six or seven years and saw that I looked like him, acted like him and had the same interests...I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging that I had never felt before. I like that. And while I now know my fathers side...my mom's side is a complete mystery, yet half my genes come from there. I want to understand my mom too and where she came from. My family has a tragic history of abuse and I'm curious about it...and I also know my family has some good history too, and I want to see and understand that.

I guess I'm rediscovering my life and what defines it. Sounds good to me. I remember this last weekend...normally I don't go with my parents and brother to my grandparents on the water- it's a two hour drive there and then two hours back, and even after 12 years, it can be awkward- I still call my step-grandparents by their last name (Mr and Mrs. ___), and then it's a while with my mom. But this time I decided that I missed my brothers and fishing and boating and haven't seen my grandparents in a while...so I went and did just that. I fished a lot and spent time with my brothers and the rest of the family and it was fun. There were no underlying undertones. Nothing negative there at all. It was just fun.

Today, I went grocery shopping...and it's weird...Julia's family was right there when we came in. It was a great reunion because it has been at least an entire month since I have seen the whole family. And I was planning on writing the mom an email tonight and calling them. Now we (Laura and I) are going to their house to spend the fourth. It's funny, sometimes I think God doesn't want me to screw up things. Julia's family was right there the moment I walked in, then needed similar items so we were in the same isle...then no one was behind them in line, so we got in behind them (though other ones were longer) and then I had parked right behind them. So multiple opportunities to make sure I saw them. I was so happy to see them all, it was wonderful. I can't wait to see them tomorrow. Yet more fun!!

I am writing a lot about happy...but that doesn't mean the bad stuff isn't still there...it's just different. I take my meds faithfully every single day...like I would eat a meal. It is no longer hard to stay on my medication. Same with all the daily living. I complained for a long time that I wanted daily living to be easy...or just be mundane and remember to do it. Now it is. I just do it...there is no question or lists or anything. It is just something I do every day. My past...I'm good now...I'm on a different route- rediscovering my past. Making costly mistakes...I'll always make mistakes like anyone else...the difference is now I am responsible in the beginning and not not responsible last. That is major. And making a major impact on my life. 

That is where I am...living life...focusing on the living part. Getting hobbies and everything. My whole outlook just got tweaked a bit and I'm search and discovering and doing. It's great. I can fill the hole leaving death behind left. And fill it well. And rapidly. I must have been on the cusp of a change for a while, because I've made these all quickly. Maybe I just needed to leave death behind. Or maybe it was hitting rock bottom. Kiandra lost hope in me in one session...and knowing that made everything die in me- that was my rock bottom. I was already so close to a change. Once that happened...everything changed. I guess it wasn't just breaking me down...but my counselors faith in me too. That had been rock steady for so many years, through so much shit. That happened and I took stock in everything. And then I lived no matter what. 

And this is where I am. I like it. I think I'll keep going this way.