Whatever was in that tiny pill I took yesterday, it worked wonders. I was in a drug induced sleep the entire time and the next time I woke up, it was early morning the next day. After showering, Mandy offered to apply my ointment again but I told her I could do it by myself. She didn't argue much and by the time I was in the kitchen, a bowl of chicken soup was waiting for me. It has all this ginseng and stuff that's supposed to make you better, she said and smiled.
Do you have any idea how much that hurt? To see this girl I loved smiling at me and showing that she cared when I knew all the time that she was acting? I wonder if it had all been an act when she had held on to my leg and cried on my lap and told me how much she was afraid for me. That blissful moment we shared in silence staring at the dark...while I was breathing in the companionable silence, was she plotting her next move? Was she planning the chicken broth, the speech of I love you and acting out the role of understanding girlfriend?
I felt cheated.
Perhaps mom was right after all. She seems to know everything.
She left early for the meeting, seemed like 'I Wannabe Bad' was beginning to get frequent air play. Honestly, I liked that song. I mean, it was different in the sense that while other girls were singing of how they were in love with a guy she was singing about being bad. I had never thought she would take her song so literally though. Well, she definitely felt good for being bad at my expense.
You know what song fits me most right now? As long as you love me, ironically, the verse I sang fitted well with me. Yes, I was blind and I was crazy.
AJ came by at one, true to his promise. We ended up playing one on one basketball, on the Playstation. It reminded me so much of the early years, when things weren't as complicated as they were back then.
Back in the early days, our only concern was trying to break through the US market and hopefully get the dough we had worked so hard for. It was strenuous and totally exhausting but as far as the five of us were concerned, it was nothing short of five brothers having the time of their lives. Now it's about meeting demand, making profits, having deadlines and making sure that all the important sponsors were happy with us.
Having relationships now came with a heavy price, I began mistrusting people about anything and everything. Girls now came with ulterior motives and there was no such thing as a personal life when we were pushed to the limelight all the time. I still can't believe there are people out there who are curious enough to know what my favourite colour underwear is.
"That's it, I' m quitting." AJ is very emotional when he loses. My poor, poor console. "You don't have to slam my console!"
"Like you have never done that to MY console before!" AJ hissed. I did the only thing I could then, I rolled my eyes. Yup, very mature of me but I wasn't in a position where I would want to care.
AJ's response was to express his regrets for not taking up my offer to play basketball for real on my court. He thought he'd kick my ass since I wasn't in the condition to be jumping around. My response to that was he could keep on wishing.
On a normal day, we'd be at each other's throats but I had the inkling that he was being nice for the fact that I wasn't being myself. I don't quite know how to react to such gestures, I don't like being treated differently like I just lost a leg but I know he had good intentions.
We ended up going to the kitchen to get ourselves a drink, which was fine with me since it was time for me to take another shot of those pills I'd like to call miracle wonders. "How much of those must you take a day?" AJ asked as he watched me pop one in my mouth. I wish I could have one anytime the pain comes.
"Just once and only when I'm in pain." I replied. "And they give only five of these, sucks big time."
"So you're in pain right now?" Aw damn it! Can't cover that one up now can we?
" Sorta." He pushed his drink away then and pulled out the shades that I had desperately tried to pry from him earlier. I kept telling him that my house has a roof and there was no need to shade himself from the sun.
I think wearing shades was his way of putting some sort of a barricade between himself and the world. I think he felt safe knowing that he wasn't exposed totally, that there was still something about him that remained private and only his to know. But when AJ decided to take that barrier away and look at you right in the eyes, it was his way of showing that he wanted to be taken seriously, that he had something of great worth to say and that you better listen. AJ never wears his shades in meetings except when he thought the meeting was unnecessary. I guess everyone has their own way of handling stuff. Kevin needs no barrier to protect what he doesn't want people to see, just that confidence he exudes and that stare, people know they have to set their boundaries around him and not to step on them. Brian keeps to himself, setting a distance between himself and whatever it is that he's trying to keep away from. Howie doesn't need to put any barriers up because he's a very open and giving person, he doesn't really feel insecure about what people would see in him. Me? I smile. Sometimes it doesn't work though but that's life.
So, back to AJ. He was about to give me one of those 'look, we have to talk about this' looks. "When are you planning on having that surgery Nick?" Whoever plans for something like that?
Jeez.
And AJ has nice curly lashes, I feel like pulling them out. Some guys have all the luck. "I'm going back for another check up next week."
Suddenly my throat felt dry. I need water! Water! AJ nodded and I thanked my lucky stars [whatever that means] as he dropped his gaze from my eyes and down to his hands lying on the table in front of him.
"You really gave me a fright that night." And so we're back to 'that night'. I was hoping AJ would have forgetten about that. He was afraid but I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that I had collapsed on him like that.
"I'm sorry...but I' m okay, don't sweat it."
"Don't sweat? Dude, you almost died! If I had waited five more minutes to call the paramedics, you would not have even been here right now man."
I rubbed the back of my neck, a sign that I was uncomfortable. I'm not used to consoling or comforting others, normally, it's the other way around.
"I know ...but I don't want you to keep thinking about that night, I'm still here bro, think about today."
"You really need to lie down Nick, you don't look so well." "I'm fine J, can you stop babying me?"
"I will if you stop holding your stomach like it's gonna explode anytime soon." That was when I realized I was massaging my abdomen. Talk about being discreet. I was in pain. I think I know how this pain works finally. Whenever I feel bad about something or I'm nervous, it would get worse.
Like right now.
Being in a tense conversation doesn't sit well with me at all. The phone rang suddenly and it felt like Christmas came early for me. I excused myself and happily answered the call. If I knew it was BJ, I would have happily stayed in my conversation with AJ.
-
"Are you angry with me?" BJ sounded so guilty that I felt like just laughing out loud. BJ has got to be one of the most strong headed girls I've ever come across, she just happens to be my sister. She takes her arguments seriously, never backing down if she knows it is worth fighting for, she stands up for her beliefs and would fight back if provoked.
Some felt that she was just right out boisterous, thinking that she owns the world just because her brother happens to be Nick Carter the Backstreet Boy. While friends would say that she possess girl power [blame the spice girls for this]. BJ was never lost, even as a child, when I would turn on my older brother mode to everyone, she would be going 'don't think you can bully me just because you're the oldest'. Therefore, to find her stricken with guilt that wasn't even hers in the first place, felt almost weird.
"Why would I wanna be mad at you?"
"I called you yesterday and I got to talk with Mandy." I know that tone in her voice, she was pausing for some reason.
"And?"
She sighed. "And I told her I sent you a text message about mom and I never got a reply from you so I thought you were mad at me...and she said something like no wonder you're suddenly sick. So I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean to make you worry yourself sick. You can't still be mad at me, you' re Nick, you're always nice."
And did I mention BJ knows how to get on your good side? A little praise here and a little compliment there and the magic is done. "No, I'm not mad at you. I was sick but not from your message. I meant to call but I fell asleep."
"Okay good, I feel much better now. Listen ...mom is here right now, wanna talk to her?" Poor BJ, she must really be lost over there.
I wonder if the other kids even know what was going on in the family, I doubt Angel knew cause she's still young and having the time of her life. Leslie I could never guess. She's like in the middle of everything, that's why I love her more than I love myself. There were times when we were all together and Aaron would be doing something with Angel [we call it the twins connection] and I would be hanging out with BJ because we're closer in age and Leslie would be in the middle, drifting from one conversation to another. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be in her position. I hope she never felt left out. And that was also the reason why I always felt obligated to look out for her more than the others. I always had to know where she was going, who she was hanging out with or if she already started the whole dating thing. She's too young in my opinion but her beauty was already so apparent that I couldn't help but feel the urge to kick the ass of any guys who as much as threw a glance her way.
"Sure thing, I'll talk to her."
Here goes nothing.
It felt like forever just to have BJ pass the phone over to mom, when I heard her heavy breathing followed by the call of my name 'Nicky?' I found myself figuring out if that sounded like surprise or weary?
"Hey mom, it's me. How are you?"
"I'm good, just busy helping Aaron out. How about you? Are you having your break right now?"
"Yeah. I have a slight fever right now, but I was just wondering, when I feel better, can I come down for a visit?"
"You're sick?" Sometimes, what she didn't show with actions, she showed with words. Like right then, when I had asked her if I could go over for a visit, me being sick stuck with her. It's those little things that serves as a reminder for as much as my mom had turned into one of those mom managers and stage moms, she is still a mother who cares and loves her children.
"Just a little mom, from the touring, I'm having my rest now."
"Good to hear that. Is Mandy taking care of you?" She made her sound like my babysitter.
"Yeah. But she's going off for a few weeks to promote her album so I'll be here by myself." I was beginning to wonder if she was trying to avoid my question. Was she really serious about the whole not going to let me step into that house again?
"Oh? You're not going too? Help her out?" Yup, she's avoiding the question.
"No. She wants to work it out by herself and I don't think I want to anyway. I'm really looking forward to this break, it's not going to be long, we'll be back in the studio in two weeks. How's Aaron and Angel?"
"They're good. He's in the middle of recording, he was hoping to see you in the studio. We saw a picture of you and Mandy in the studio recording her song and he was hoping he could work something up with you too."
Interpret that, it would mean - You can drop anything and help your girlfriend with her album and now that your brother needs you, you feign sickness.
"I will ring him up later, maybe I can work something out with his schedule and drop by sometime. So um, will you still be home next week? I can swing by then."
"It's okay Nick, we'll be so busy I don't think you'll even see us here. We're flying down to Florida in a few weeks, Aaron's recording there, we will see you then?"
I was rather hurt by that actually. I don't know what was wrong with me, I was getting too emotional I swear if I hadn't known any better, I'd thought I was pregnant or PMSing.
"Oh, okay then. And um, mom, I wish you' d reconsider this whole mortgage thing. I really want to pay it, it's the least I can do. I'm really sorry things turned out this way."
Mom sighed, as if she was distracted from something more important to do.
I felt like a hassle then, like I was really wasting people's time. Before, mom and I could talk for hours and she would practically be drilling me for more details about the tour, it was like talking to my sisters and hearing them gossiping. She was always fun to talk to, sometimes I forgot that I was talking to my mother and would tell her about the gorgeous girls who *almost* stripped in front of me because she wanted my signature on her boobs. She would laugh hysterically and say Nickolas, did you have a good view? And left me blushing. This conversation right here, it was uncomfortable and forced.
"We'll talk about that another time okay Nick? I have so many things in my mind right now, I don't want to be bothered with this"
"Yeah sure, another time perhaps. Bye."
"Goodbye Nick."
-
I didn't have to say much, just the look on my face and AJ understood that the conversation didn't go smoothly. It was hard to make the guys understand the current situation my mom and I were in. Brian and Kevin had this 'respect your elders' motto permanently attached to them, Howie loves his mother like any filial son would and AJ and his mom are practically buddies. Throw your family away for a girl? What kind of a son is that? And it doesn't help that they shared the same views as my mom about Mandy.
Sometimes I wonder if I am making the right decision. If I was really blinded by this girl I happened to love so much. Not that I would put my family after her, but it seemed to be going in that direction. I didn't even know when that happened. Everyone has arguments but they work it out, so why can't my family and Mandy? I mean, she's my girlfriend, of course I want some alone time with her especially when we're always apart during my tours. But everyone else looked at it and started saying oh look, Nicky ran off her girlfriend and left his family behind. How does a relationship grow if I couldn't be there to make it work? I was in love with this girl and I wanted to make it happen between us, can't anyone else see that?
But see, not even twenty four hours ago, what Mandy did just proved that I was wrong all those times. Why would she give any ideas to BJ? Okay, so she wanted me to have my rest, she could have at least told me that my sister called right? Right?
"I think I'll just rest for awhile, I don't feel so good." I told AJ and he nodded so fast I thought his head would snap and roll to the floor.
In an instant he was next to me, unsure if he should help me up to my room. It was really funny, like I was supposed to be this old man who can't even walk.
"I'm going to take a nap in the games room, you wanna hang around there?" I was hoping he would.
"Yeah, I have nothing else to do anyway."
"Okay. I'm sorry I'm no fun today, I'll make up for it." I really felt guilty. Here he was trying to make things better for me and wasting his day away when he could have gone to the movies or hang out with his girlfriend whom I bet is way funner [I know, it's not a word, how come?] than me.
"You better! Maybe next time, we can play real ball." Was that an invitation to get his ass kicked by me? Who would turn down an invitation like that?
"Sure J, grow some inches for now k?" AJ looked at me with that mused look of his. He didn't put on his shades, opting to leave them behind in the kitchen; if I wasn't in so much pain, I would have had the time of my life grilling him for that.
"You know that sentence could come out sounding dirty, don't you?" Only if I'm using his brain. But I didn't tell him that because I didn't feel like joking around. So I shrugged and continued walking. "
I don't understand why you're still so weak. I'm gonna have to call Howie and have him send over more of that chicken broth."
"Chicken broth?" AJ paused in his tracks, such a drama queen he was. I stopped too cause seriously, I appreciated the little rest from walking; even if it looked weird for the both of us to be stopping in the middle of the hall.
"We need to do something with that brain of yours Nick...the chicken broth Howie's mom has been cooking for you every morning? The one D sent over every morning? Oh wait, you're still asleep at 8, I don't think your brain works that early in the morning."
No wonder it's been edible all these times.
I threw him a smile, my facade. We continued walking and AJ wouldn't have guessed that anything was wrong if it hadn't been for my sudden breakdown. I wasn't expecting it myself but I have had enough. Signs were everywhere, showing the truth and I never did read any of them. Everyone was telling me that I shouldn't be with Mandy but did I listen?
"She didn't tell me J...I'm so stupid!" I didn't have to explain further, AJ understood what I meant. He sat next to me on the bed and didn't say a word, something that I appreciated actually. AJ always trusted me to do the right thing, he didn't offer suggestions and expect me to carry them out regardless of what I truly felt.
"I thought she made that chicken broth, God, I'm so gullible sometimes."
"It's not your fault Nick, she's your girlfriend, of course you trust her."
"Why can't she be the girl I thought she was huh? I feel so stupid! Everything she did just proved everyone else right! You know what that makes me? Stupid! Damn it J, I love her, I really do, I thought I'm happy but-"
I had to stop, I was going out of control. I never, ever, poured my feelings out like that before, especially to AJ.
"You're not stupid bro. There's nothing wrong with loving her, it's her fault man, not yours. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have you."
That must have been the best compliment he had ever given me. I wonder if he even realised how open he was about his own feelings and opinions.
My cell phone rang then and it was a relief, unless if it was Mandy on the line, I'd feel better. The ID showed Brian. I passed the cell over to AJ, I couldn't answer it."You don' t wanna talk to Frick?"
"He's gonna know I'm not okay if he heard my voice. Just tell me I'm asleep and I'm okay k?"
I sat there, listening to their conversation. Brian actually thought he speed dialed the wrong number and got AJ instead of me. AJ played along and said goodbye, only to have my cell phone rang again in a second. Brian thought there was something wrong with his speed dial and hung up after telling him that he would punch the right number one by one instead. When he got AJ again he realized he was being played, AJ had to hold the phone away from his ears. AJ could lie to save his life and when they hung up a few minutes later, Brian was left with the impression that everything was fine and dandy.
"Thanks."
"You know it's gonna cost ya." I smirked, typical AJ answer.
"Yeah, I know." He left me alone after that, busying himself with some games while I took my nap. I couldn't get any sleep though, somehow miracle wonder refused to work for me this time around. I fake slept, listening to AJ's quiet movement, his soft grunts when he got frustrated by a game. More than once I felt tempted to taunt him at how sorry he looked being beaten by the computer again and again. About an hour later, I heard him switching off the game set and was pulling at the curtain slightly and then a loud sigh came from him. I just kept my silence, still faking sleep.
Minutes later, I heard keys being tossed and a soft humming of a random song I couldn't quite identify. Mandy was home. I heard AJ clearing his throat, making his presence known to her. Soon, she had found her way to the game room.
"He wasn't feeling good and took a nap."
"I can see that...are you leaving?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, the door's not locked."
"Oh, did Nick like the chicken broth, I forgot to ask him?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, when he's feeling much better, you might want to tell him to give Mrs. Dorough a call, you know, say thanks and all."
"We know our common courtesy AJ, just because you hate me, doesn't mean I'm lacking it you know."
" I wasn't implying anything girl, chill." The conversation ended and I heard AJ leave the house, the roaring of his car matched his frustration.
Mandy approached the bed, already, I was feeling the warmth that she radiated when we got close. Her palm feeling my forehead, checking my temperature. To me, her warmth was a constant reminder of how good it felt like to be with her, to know how good it felt to be with someone. But that day, for the first time, I wanted to get away from it.
I was sleeping with the enemy, literally.
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