How to survive a scary movie!
When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.
If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it's just the cat, leave the room immediatey if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
If you're running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas late at night, don't go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.
Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.
Along with the guy that is always making jokes
When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It'll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.
Never babysit. There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.
If you ARE stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom's nightgown collection. You'll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.
If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll just pop through and kill you.
Same goes for leaning against the window.
If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.
If the killer has stalked you over the phone lines, don't take a job as a phone counselor.
Never let someone hypnotize you at a party.
Stay away from sewers.
If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check. Just run.
If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.
Never go to camp or become a counselor. You'll be dead by the end of summer.
Never say "I'll be right back." You won't be back. End of story.
Don't ever do something just because someone dares you to.
If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON'T fall asleep, DON'T go out there, DON'T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
A small town's little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even have the barbecue with out you!", run like hell.
Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
Never go back for anything you lost.
Avoid people with pointy teeth.
Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
Avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan.
If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your kid has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.
If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.
Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.
Remember: Just say "NO" to human blood.
Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.
Never, under any circumstance, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.
Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been funny.
If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night and try to roll him off of a dock, make sure that he is dead!
Never EVER play with any Ouijia board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.
Never run into a deserted graveyard at night.
If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming is not going to help you hide any better.
If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it's not them.
Don't be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.
If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let's say a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find out what it is.
When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.
Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it's loaded.
If you have to stay out in the woods or at camp you're pretty much screwed. But at least you'll have a fighting chance in the cabin. Never EVER take the tent.
Never try to unmask the killer.
Never hide in a closet.
If you find the mangled body of a friend, camping partner, janitor, or whom ever, don't stay and investigate. Run like hell.
Don't spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.
Don't make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.
Never transport the killer in an ambulance from one place to another. Even if they've been in a coma for 10 years, they'll wake up.
Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.
Never say "Who's there?"
If your hand has been possesed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down.
If you have a feeling you'll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.
After babysitting, don't walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.
If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much screwed.
Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.
When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.
If you are babysitting, don't let the kids play with the Chucky doll.
If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around dolls with the eyes scratched out, back away slowly, then run like hell.
If you go to your school library and there are a lot of books having to do with vampires and demons...move away ASAP.
If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:
A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.
B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.
C. The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you
think you are safe...he will kill you.
If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is.
When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don't just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN!!
If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down, don't get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer after you kick him a couple times.
If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you're pretty much screwed.
If the killer/monster is dead, don't dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life.
If you disobey the previous rule, don't try cutting off his head or anything cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.
If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don't just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.
If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.
Origins of Halloween
Halloween Poems 2
My Haunted Guestbook
The Haunted Cottage
The Old Woman And Brad
The Toll House
Recipe - Skull Cake
Recipe - Mulled Wine
Recipe - Pumpkin Soup
The strange case of Miss Tippett