"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God...!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky and said, "You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

- "Hello?"
- "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
- "Yes."
- "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $1,500."
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
- "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
- "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
- "What?"
- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, eachfront property..."
- "How much are they asking?"
- "Only $450,000--a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
- "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
- "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
- "Bye...I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like "splat!"

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"!

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full.

Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life?, why am I here?, and how much Healthy Choice ice-cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks like a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times... Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?"
"Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh, " Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam protested.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other Inquiries.

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1.
For Jesus, press 2.
For the Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her Social Security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait on the line.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

Please pray again on Monday after 9:30am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Have a nice day.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply-religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high-school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock. And, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual-ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced "The Schitt/Happens Nuptials." The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Re-using Old Graves
How to Avoid Huge Ships
The Book of Marmalade: It's Anecdotes, History and Role in the World Today
Group 4 Prison Escort Service - A Survey of Customer Satisfaction
The Baby Jesus Touch and Feel Book
The Joy of Chickens
Amputee Management: A Handbook
Highlights in the History of Concrete
Big and Very Big Hole Drilling
How to Shit in the Woods: an Enviromentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art
Versailles - The View from Sweden
Virtual Reality - Exploring the Bra
Simply Bursting - A Guide to Bladder Control
Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated-decoy."

When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is bad. On Earth, 95% are bad and 5% are good."

Well, He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point-of-view." So, God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned, she went to God and told Him, "Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% are bad and 5% are good."

God said that this was not good. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them; to give them a little something to keep them going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

..............You didn't get one either, did you?

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, green fields, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers ofpeace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Washington, DC."

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOTuse, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it.)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(Wow!!! )

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy...) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?)