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New Clichés
Amusing Muses
It's Time to Turn Your Computer Off when...
State Mottos
Chickens On The Road...A Hystorical Perspective
Another Blond Joke
Just the Wind?
Telephone Decision Tree
Don't Lie to Your Mother
Great Little Truths About Life
Southern Computer Glossary
Bank Loan
Womanly Truisms
How to Shower Like a Woman


New Clichés

  • Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • The older you get, the better you realize you were.
  • I doubt, therefore I might be.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  • Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
  • Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.


    Amusing Muses

  • Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
  • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  • If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
  • If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
  • If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?



    You'll need the following:

    1 C water
    1 C sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 C dried fruit
    1 tsp. baking soda
    1 tsp. salt
    1 C brown sugar
    Lemon juice
    1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

    1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
    2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
    3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
    4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
    6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another cup.
    7. Turn off the mixer.
    8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
    9. Mix on the turner.
    10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
    11. Sample the whiskey to check for toxicity.
    12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
    13. Check the whiskey.
    14. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
    15. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
    16. Grease the oven.
    17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
    18. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
    19. Throw the bowl out the window.
    20. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

    Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?


    It's time to turn your computer off when... wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first. name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom. turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you pulled the plug on a loved-one. spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment. decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems. start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is). find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again. don't know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask. move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. tell the cab driver to take you to start tilting your head sideways to smile.


    State Mottos

    Alabama: At least we're not Mississippi.

    Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos can't be wrong!

    Arizona: But it's a dry heat.

    Arkansas: Litterasy ain't everything.

    California: As seen on TV.

    Colorado: If you don't ski, don't bother.

    Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only dirtier and with less character.

    Delaware: We really do like the chemicals in our water.

    Florida: Ask us about our grandkids.

    Georgia: We put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism.

    Hawaii: Haka tiki mou sha'ami leeki toru. (Death to mainland scum, but leave your money.)

    Idaho: More than just potatoes...well okay, we're not, but the potatoes sure are real good!

    Illinois: Please don't pronounce the "s"!

    Indiana: Two billion years tidal wave free.

    Iowa: We do amazing things with corn.

    Kansas: First of the rectangle states.

    Kentucky: Five million people; fifteen last names.

    Louisiana: We're not all drunk Cajun wackos, but that's our tourism campaign.

    Maine: We're really cold, but we have cheap lobster.

    Maryland: A thinking-man's Delaware.

    Massachusetts: Our taxes are lower than Sweden's! (for most tax brackets)

    Michigan: First line of defense from the Canadians.

    Minnesota: 10,000 lakes and 10,000,000 mosquitoes.

    Mississippi: Come feel better about your own state.

    Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief tax dollars at work.

    Montana: Land of the big sky, the unabomber, right-wing crazies, and very little else.

    Nebraska: Ask about our state motto contest.

    Nevada: Whores and poker!

    New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone!

    New Jersey: Ya wanna #@!*%$ motto? I got yer #@!*%$ motto right here!

    New Mexico: Lizards make excellent pets.

    New York: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney...

    North Carolina: Tobacco is a vegetable.

    North Dakota: We really are one of the 50 states!

    Ohio: We wish we were in Michigan.

    Oklahoma: Like the play, only no singing.

    Oregon: Spotted's what's for dinner.

    Pennsylvania: Cook with coal.

    Rhode Island: We're not really an island.

    South Carolina: ?????

    South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota.

    Tennessee: The educashun state.

    Texas: Sí, hablo inglés. (Yes, I speak English.)

    Utah: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.

    Vermont: Yep.

    Virginia: Who says government stiffs and slackjaw yokels don't mix?

    Washington: Help! We're overrun by nerds and slackers!

    West Virginia: One big happy family---really!

    Wisconsin: Eat cheese or die.

    Wyoming: Wynot?

    Chickens On The Road…A Hystorical Perspective
    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Plato: "For the greater good."

    Aristotle: "It is the nature of chickens to cross roads."

    Hippocrates: "Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas."

    Buddha: "Asking this question denies your own chicken nature."

    Machiavelli: "The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was."

    Darwin: "Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads."

    Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The chicken did not cross the transcended it."

    Karl Marx: "It was a historical inevitability."

    Freud: "The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity."

    Einstein: "Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference."

    Ernest Hemingway: "To die. In the rain."

    Timothy Leary: "Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take."

    Saddam Hussein: "This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it."

    Jerry Seinfeld: "Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place, anyway?'"

    Bill Gates: "I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Of course, you also have to purchase Microsoft Road."

    Captain James T. Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken has gone before."

    Fox Mulder: "You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?"

    Anderson Consulting: "Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Anderson Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Anderson helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital, and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Anderson Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tactic and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conductive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Anderson Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful."

    Kindergarten Teacher: "To get to the other side."

    Homer Simpson: "Mmmmmmmmmm...chicken..."

    Another Blond Joke

    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. The horse gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The equine gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her fragile grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. The blonde's head is continually battered against the ground.

    She is moments away from unconsciousness when the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

    Just the Wind?

    Two men are sitting, drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when one turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds are so intense, they carry you around the building and back onto the roof." The bartender shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the counter. 2nd Man: "What are you--a nut? There's no way in hell that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, walks to the balcony, jumps over and starts to plummet toward the ground. As he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back up onto the rooftop bar. He calmly walks back over to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but it must have been a one-time fluke." 1st Man: "No, a bunch of us were doing it yesterday. Look, I'll prove it again." And again he jumps over and hurls toward the street, and again at the 10th floor the wind gently carries him around the building and up onto the roof. Once again he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well, what the hell; it works, so I'll try it." He jumps off the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors, and hits the sidewalk with a splat. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

    Telephone Decision Tree

    If you aren't already a wacko, you soon will be...

    The following is a transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

    "Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

    Don't Lie to Your Mother

    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

    Dear Mother,

    I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

    Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.


    Great Little Truths about Life

    Great Little Truths about Life That Children Have Learned

    1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
    5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
    8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
    9. School lunches stick to the wall.
    10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

    Great Little Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

    1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
    2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
    3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
    4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
    5 . Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
    6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
    7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
    8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
    9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

    Southern Computer Glossary

    1. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
    2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
    3. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
    4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
    5. MEGAHERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin' the farwood.
    6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry to much farwood.
    7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
    8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
    9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
    10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
    11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
    12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
    13. CHIP: Munchies fer the T.V.
    14. MICROCHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie-bag.
    15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
    16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
    17. LAPTOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
    18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
    19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
    20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
    21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
    22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
    23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all!"

    Bank Loan

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK; he knows the bank manager.

    Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000---and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

    The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    Womanly Truisms

    ~Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

    ~Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

    ~Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

    ~One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

    ~I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

    ~The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

    ~Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

    ~Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

    ~Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

    ~Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

    ~If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

    ~You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

    ~I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

    ~Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

    ~It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

    ~Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

    ~The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

    ~Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

    ~Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

    How to Shower Like a Woman

    1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees.
    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.
    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
    4. Turn on the hot water only.
    5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
    6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey enhance conditioner with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
    11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
    12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
    13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
    14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
    15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
    16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
    17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of scalding water.
    18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.