God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 30."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 30 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 30 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass dream mobile.

She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.

He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. Click. The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

"Blues," she says, and click, a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed.

"Country," she says, and click, a Garth Brooks tune comes on.

"Folk," and click, Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.

"New Age," and click, Enya snaps on.

She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.

Click.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness... This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of the memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Please be productive and avoid silicon coatings.

If you have to write a "letter of recommendation" for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:

-For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

-For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

-For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

-For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

-For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

-For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

-For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

3. I am in shape. Round's a shape...

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you---but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

9. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

10. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

11. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

12. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

13. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

14. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because they're such beautiful animals. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

15. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you, too."

16. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

17. The main problem with old age is that you don't grow out of it.

18. The lawyer's creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

1. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

2. How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

3. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

4. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

5. What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

6. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

14. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

16. Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

17. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

18. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

19. What is a zebra?
Twenty-five sizes larger than an "A" bra.

20. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off.

21. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

22. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:
-Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
-Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
-And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

Solve the puzzles by saying them aloud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer. The answers are at the bottom---make sure not to cheat!

Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place)---Answer: Los Angeles

1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)
2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)
3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)
4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)
5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)
6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (product)
7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)
8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)
9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (old TV show)
10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)
11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)
12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)
13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)
14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)
15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)

Answers:
1. Jacques Cousteau
2. Santa Claus
3. Michael Jordan
4. Moby Dick
5. Thomas Jefferson
6. Chiquita Banana
7. The Titanic
8. I love you
9. The Brady Bunch
10. Christopher Columbus
11. Doctor Seuss
12. The Milky Way Galaxy
13. Agent 007
14. The Sound of Music
15. Bugs Bunny

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat, double decaf-cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

8. One hand on 12 oz., double-shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

Hey, you all, are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner Cracker.

3. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

4. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

5. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

6. Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

7. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

8. Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

9. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

10. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

11. 3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

12. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

......You didn't get one either, huh?

Sign seen in the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully; we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Also goes for burglars.)

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

These are things people actually said in court, word-for-word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Case #1

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Case #2

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Case #3

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Case #4

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Case #5

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Case #6

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Case #7

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Case #8

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Case #9

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Case #10

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Case #11

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Case #12

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Case #13

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Case #14

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Case #15

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Case #16

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Case #17

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Case #18

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Case #19

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Case #20

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Case #21

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Case #22

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Case #23

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Case #24

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

2000 B.C.---Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D.---That root is bad. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D.---That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D.---That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D.---That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D.---That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.