A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.
He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.
A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
When Nature Calls
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room.
Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Got Stuck Huh?
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
How does the LAPD play poker?
Four clubs beat a king.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
30 Days Or $30
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
The Irishman And The Cop
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yes, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "Oh, gosh me golly, they stole me girlfriend, too!!"
Write Your Own Joke
The old sheriff was driving along when there was an announcement on his radio that he was needed urgently at the scene of a major accident. When he got there, he found a local farmer filling in a large trench with his tractor.
"What y'all doin', son?" He asked. "Well, sheriff," he replied, "I came across this accident, and I thought I would do the right thing." Said the farmer.
"And what might that be?" asked the sheriff.
"Well this busload of "_______" just got plowed into tiny pieces by the passing train, and they were all killed instantly. I was just giving them a decent burial." Replied the farmer, while chewing on a piece of straw. "Whoa, son," said the surprised sheriff, "That was fast! Y'all sure every one of 'em "_______" was dead?"
"Well," said the farmer, "two or three of 'em kept sayin' they weren't, but you know how them "_______" lie all the time."
A Drunks Dog
A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar,"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The drunk responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen buddy! You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate."
"Oh, go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."
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COP QUOTE :
So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"