A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
Three men were trying out for the FBI.
The testing agent approached the three men with a gun. He pointed to a door and said, "We have all your wives in that room over there. For you to make it into the FBI, you must each take this gun and shoot your wife."
The first man took the gun, walked boldly into the room, and shut the door. The others listened for gunshots, but heard nothing. A while later, the man came out of the room, crying, "I can't shoot my wife. I love her!"
The second man took the gun, walked boldly into the room, and shut the door behind him. The others again listened for gunshots, but again heard only silence. The man came out, bawling, and said, "I can't shoot my wife! She cooks so well, and I love her so much!"
The third man said, "Gimme the danged gun." He snatched the weapon, and marched in the room. It took no time at all to hear: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
That was followed by all sorts of banging noise, screams, and then finally cold silence.
The man emerged from the room, sweating profusely, and barked, "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! So I had to beat her to death with a chair."
Why was the picture sent to jail?
It was framed.
Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized crime unit were overlooking a bloody mob hit scene. The victim had six gun shot wounds to the back of the head. One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen."
The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness.
"Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.
"I certainly did."
"And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"
A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn.
The cop asked, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?"
"If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"
A man was made the police chief in a nudist colony. He liked the job, but putting on the badge was murder!
Cross your I's And Dot Your T's
The cross-eyed policeman was questioning three cross-eyed suspects.
He turned to the first cross-eyed suspect, and said, "What's your name?"
And the second cross-eyed suspect said, "I wasn't talking to you," and the third cross-eyed suspect said, "I didn't say anything."
Just Lying Around
A man fell out of a tenth-story window. He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him.
A cop walks over and says, "What happened?"
The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."
Wrong Way Blonde
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where your going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.
According to the police, if you hold your purse by the strap and under your arm, nothing will ever happen to you....
Unless your name happens to be Bruce.
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"