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The Police In Humor
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THE ALL NEW COP JOKES
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A WHO DONE IT?
A workman was killed at a construction site.
The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.
The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason gets stoned regularly and his alibi is as solid as a rock.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
So who did it?
The window glazier. But he claims he was framed.
LEGAL DRINKING AGE
The Tennessee Police Department has issued notices to all liquor stores that they have raised the minimum drinking age in that state to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
@$$holes Of The Asphalt
One bright and sunny afternoon this guy was on a drive down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red @$$hole of the asphalt. You got something to eat?"
With a smile on his face, he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow @$$hole of the asphalt. You got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing, our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "So, let me guess, you're the blue @$$hole of the asphalt, and just what in the world do you want?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
Have You Been Drinking?
A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?"
The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?"
"No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."
A priest gets pulled over for speeding.
The police officer sees an empty wine bottle in his car and smells alcohol on his breath. "Father, have you been drinking?" asks the officer.
"Only water, my son." replies the priest.
"Why then do I smell wine?" questions the officer.
The priest, looking at the wine bottle, replies, "Oh my Lord, He's gone and done it again!"
While driving home from work one day, I was eating an apple. It wasn't until I tossed the core out the window that the police car came up behind me. The officer pulled me over, and as I was getting out my license, I joked that I was helping to clean up the roadside. The core would become a home for ants, which would pick up tiny bits of litter.
I was amazed he was nodding in agreement until he said, "So let's see your building permit."
MISSING PERSON REPORT
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am." the officer asked.
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children." the woman replied.
"Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children."
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.
One day a certain lady was driving on the highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!" So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies. She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've made love to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, an officer was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," he replied and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," he told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot towards the officer, "would you please tie my shoe?"
contributed by: ROBIN2507@xxxxxx
A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force.
"If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked.
Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"
THE GAME WARDEN
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one the fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
Cop Jokes Just For Kids
What did the peanut say when it entered the police station?
I've been a-salted!
. . . .
Why are policeman so strong?
Because they hold up the traffic!
. . . .
Why did the policeman arrest the kittycat?
Because of the kitty litter!
. . . .
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
. . . .
A man went to a policeman.
"I just had my watch pinched from under my nose!" yelled the man.
"That's a stange place to wear it!" chortled the policeman!
. . . .
TEACHER: What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnny?
JOHNNY: I want to follow in my father's footsteps and be a police man!
TEACHER: I didn't know your father was a policeman!
JOHNNY: He isn't! He's a burgular!
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