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One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog.
Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one," replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green.
All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.
So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort.
So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.
The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink.
He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is," he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad," said the good witch.
I went to get my vehicle emission test done today, and when it was finally my turn I asked the guy what time they closed. He said, "We're open late into the night. In the trade we're known as 'nocturnal emissions'."
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. ........Just thought you'd like to know.
Q: Norman Bates had a brother. This brother's wife's sister became pregnant and Norman eventually became the uncle of twin girls. He realized then that he should be able to move objects using only the power of his mind. Why?
A: He now had Psycho Kin Nieces
Bar
http://d21c.com/terri1/toons10/bar.gif
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......
"HEBREWS"
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
17. A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms."
18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
20. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises" replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
Finally one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
Nina and Rosey got summer jobs as cashiers in a grocery store. Nina is ringing up an order on her line and comes to a small dairy carton that isn't scanning and has no price on it. She yells out to Rosey, "How much is half-and-half?"
Without a moment's hesitation Rosey replied, "One."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink invented by a Gynecologist patron of ours. It is a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?"
"We call it a Pabst Smir."
Q:Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A:Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Q:What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A:Crisp Cringle!
A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into the water and was amazed to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their noses and tossing it from one fish to the other.
"Gosh," exclaimed the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen "Carp to carp walleting!"
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