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Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the
previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore,
put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether
anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few
minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must
have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your
client didn’t."
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman ...don't you ever stop?"
Law and Disorder
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
No," the woman replies. .."Divorce Attorney."
===========
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Mont., lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.
The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you.
"Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
lllllllllllllllllllll
David Mars
Network Manager
ONE's Technologies
(248) 584-5054
Subject: Unauthorized Activity
***************************
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm
County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
*******************
This is the actual response sent back........
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is
the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the
beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Sincerely,
Stephen L.Tvedte
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. = = "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th.
I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent- don't miss the last one.
______________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've
forgotten?
______________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
___________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
__________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law
somewhere.
PUPPYS
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century...
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed
claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guar! anteed that it would insure them a gainst fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA
There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a
good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny,
he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes,
and I'm already screwing someone!"
Bad Timing
If you have to appear in court, it's best to leave your drug paraphernalia at home.
Unfortunately a Carlsbad, New Mexico, teen forgot this rule of thumb when he appeared in court for a traffic citation and accidentally dropped a marijuana joint in the courtroom.
Robin Loftin, 18, was in court Tuesday on charges of driving with a suspended license and failure to renew his vehicle registration.
After Judge Walter Parr entered the room, Loftin removed his hat and the marijuana fell from his hat onto the floor. The teen was charged with contempt of court and sentenced to two days in jail for taking the illegal substance into a magistrate courtroom. Hang on to your hat, dude.
In Mass. It is against the law.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
http://nypost.com/news/regionalnews/57485.htm
MORON BREAKS INTO SING SING May 9, 2003 -- Usually, people are trying to get out.The Sing Sing prison was locked down Wednesday afternoon after a man wearing a state Correction Department uniform tried to get in, the department said yesterday.
"He said he was new on the job and would go out to his car and get the appropriate paperwork," said department spokesman Mike Houston.
FLORIDA Law
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In Pensacola, a women can be fined (only after death), for
being electrocuted in a bathtub because of using self-beautification utensils.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
In Daytona Beach, the molestation of trash cans is banned.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
In Sarasota, if you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
In Sarasota, you may not catch crabs.
http://c.moreover.com/click/here.pl?e82330010&e=6462
Wallet found at crime scene
SCRANTON, Pa. (AP) - A man accused of trying to steal hundreds of dollars of coins from a church left police a tip as he fled.
James Drag was arrested when he went to the police station to claim the wallet left behind at the scene, authorities said. Drag, 37, was charged with burglary, criminal trespass, theft by unlawful taking and receiving stolen property.
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