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OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
THEOLOGY- KID STYLE
1. Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
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2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
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3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
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4. Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton -because I hate her. Denise
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6. God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
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7. Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
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8. Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
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9. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
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10. Dear God, Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then, I'm going to get even with my brother. Darla
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11. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
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12. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
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13. Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nan
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14. Dear God, It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? Arnold
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15. Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
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16. Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
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17. Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted. Jane
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18. Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy
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19. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
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20. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
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21. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
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22. Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways before I cross the street. Dean
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23. Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha
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24. Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
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25. Dear God, Is Reverend Porter a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
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26. Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation? Jane
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27. Dear God, In school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he steal your idea? Sincerely, Donna
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28. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
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29. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff
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30. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
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31. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Carol
A 4th grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said. "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
Bubba's teacher asked him the difference between his age and his Brother's age.
"Well, mamma told me last year that mah brother is 1 year older than me he answered.
"So, accordin to mah calculation, this year we must both be the same age!"
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love
When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself,
"He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on.
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