Q: Do cows menstruate?

                    A: After an intricate year-long study, our results are still
                    inconclusive. Our hunch is, however (and this is off the
                    record), that cows are some of the biggest producers of
                    menstrual fluid on the planet, surpassing even wombats in
                    the amount of blood they leak collectively per month.
 
                    Q: Why have I never seen a cow menstruate?

                    A: Cows are very discrete about menstruation (this has not aided
                    in our study). Most likely, if you ask a cow about its period, it will
                    say nothing at all, avoiding the subject with a bunch of "moo-ing".
                    It is not a rare occurance for a cow to sit all day behind a bush
                    when menstruating. They are also very clever at hiding all evidence
                    of menstruation, carefully hording their supply of pads in trees and
                    tall grass.

                    Q: Do cows prefer tampons or pads?

                    A: As with any animal, this is up to the individual cow. We've
                    found that pads are more popular with younger cows, who have
                    just begun to menstruate, while the older seasoned cows tend to
                    stick with tampons. Sadly, some cows are unable to use tampons.
                    Their large vaginas pose a problem with the slipperly little devils,
                    which often fall out, a huge embarrassment to any cow.

                    Q: Do cows expirience vaginal dryness during menopause?
 
                    A: Ummm...who cares? It's a COW. Sheesh...freaks.

                    Q: How can I tell if my cow is on the rag?
 
                    A: With a magnifying glass, inspect the cow's genitals. If the
                    cow appears to be female, and there is a reddish liquid leaking
                    from its genitalia, your cow is most likely menstruating. If you are
                    not comfortable examining your cow's sex organs, a good trick is
                    to give the paperboy ten bucks to do it for you. 

                    Q: Help! My cow is bloated! What should I do?
                    
                    A: Poke small holes sporadically in the cow with a sterile fork. Do
                    not be alarmed if fluids leak from these holes, this is to be
                    expected.